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August 29, 2007



Dear, Obese A-hole working behind the counter, I know you're trained to say it, but don't care. No, I don't want to make it a large diet soda for only 35 cents more. If I did, there would be an easy way for you to know that. I would have said, "give me a Large Diet Soda."

Rory L. Aronsky

If you suspect you're a moron, stay away from the movie theater. It's not your haven for all your acts. And no, I'm not moving from the middle of the row before the floor rows that has a wall or poles that I can rest my feet on. I'm in the middle to be in the middle. You should have gotten here earlier.

Mr. Hollywood

I have a good idea: just wait a few weeks, the DVD comes out and you watch it in the comfort of your own home. Or better yet ... PPV on DirecTV to your TIVO and if the movie is good (which few are), you can watch it again and again...for only a couple of bucks!


Please shower first... B.O. can really ruin a good movie!

la guy

Yeah, well I wouldn't have paid for the box of Milk Duds with my credit card if it didn't cost 20 bucks for the freakin' box!In reality I'm one of those pathetic people who watch the (permanently on leave) Ebert & Roeper, think to myself, "Oh that looks good" and then next thing I know it's on HBO where I record it on TIVO and don't watch it for a another 6 months until I'm running out of space and delete it. (The 40 Year-Old Virgin is about to suffer that fate.)Thanks for making me laugh.

D. McEwan

Mine is "You're not in your living room. Shut the hell up!"Also, stop running such lousy movies!Of course, it's not just movies. At the opera, the man next to me kept making all sorts of noises every 30 minutes. It was, first, flipping over the casette he was illegally recording the opera onto, and then next, changing the casette. I had a word with the usher at intermission, and his recorder wasn't a problem during act two, since it, and he, were 86ed.I've taken to going only to matinees (Cheaper too) and never seeing a film until it's second week. With any luck, I'll be alone in the audience.


While I agree with most everything here, mostly it comes down to mtuual respect and thoughtfullness. Don't stand in line, ahead of me, get to the head of the line and try adn figure out which film to see.But honestly, the reason we go to movies (at least me) is the big screen, but also the sharing of the experience with many people. Telling someone they aren't in their living room is a good line, but remember they AREN'T in YOUR living room either! They are in a public place, and a certain amount of leeway must be given.You will never experience everyone filing in in silence, buying only "you-approved" snacks, not wearing hats, nor draping coats, etc. Ain't gonna happen, and if that is YOUR goal, you are just going to get more and more dissapointed.Personally, I settle for being able to hear the lines, not be distracted, not getting the seat kicked too much. I do speak up when someone is too loud, etc. But I have raised my expectations to reasonably be able to get near the ideal.

Tom Quigley

Elvis had the right idea... Rent a theatre for a 3:00 am private showing of whatever movie he wanted to see with his friends and posse, so he didn't have to put up with all that crap... Of course on the other hand, probably most of his friends and posse were having sex while the move was playing... Wonder how much noise that generated?.... Well, at least he didn't have to deal wih cell phones going off... Only with lovers going off...

Eric Berlin

You people really still go to movie theaters?


I actually broke up with someone because I discovered he was a movie talker. I spoke to him about it and he claimed that the other patrons were "amused by his hilarious comments." Are you kidding me?! I barely knew how to respond to such idiocy.


People don't know how to behave themselves in public anymore. There needs to be a chain of theatres just for people who have completed a class in basic etiquette and personal hygiene.The movie going experience would also be better if the movies started on time, and if the previews never included Rob Schneider.


Back at the dawn of time, which was somewhere in the late 1950's, we behaved ourselves in movie theaters not because people were politer then, or in some way morally superior to theater goers of today, but for the simple reason that if we misbehaved, we got booted out. So here's a suggestion for the movie theater owners: how about hiring a damn usher, and giving them the power to actually kick out disruptive bozos? This doesn't solve the problem of sitting behind the Neanderthal who's chewing popcorn with his mouth open, but it's a start.

Jason Bourne

Please Pee BEFORE the movie. If your bladder can't hold out for 2 hours then please stay home or atleast have the sense to sit on the isle.Rule for buying a drink at the movies. DO NOT start to drink until at least 15 mins into the movie. This ensures that bathroom emergencies will not occur during the film


I haven't been to a movie theater in years, and those are the reasons why. My home theater is much MUCH better.


Dear, 38 year old hot blonde woman sitting next to me. Don't sigh loudly when our arms touch on the armrest. Don't act all annoyed and threaten to call the manager when I touch you on your knee... AND STOP yelling for security every time some nice guy wants to follow you in the parking lot! Going to the movies these days sucks!


Wow. I never knew you were such an old fuddy-duddy, Ken. Perhaps you're the one who should stay home if you won't even be nice enough to move down a seat to help someone else.


Last week, I went to see STARDUST with my friend at an early showing. The theater was more than half empty. This woman came into the dark theater, sat down in the row in front of us, one seat to my left & immediately opened her cell phone. Since I didn't appreciate the bright glare, I asked her to either close the phone or move it out of my line of vision. Her answer:"The movie hasn't started yet". If people are that much in need of contact with others, why don't they try getting their friends to accompany them?


What about when you enter the theater and there are three of you & no seats together because people are saving seats next to them so no one sits near them!Me and my children use to have to sit on the floor in the back of the theater!


Noise makers. Like the person who waits for the start of the feature film to unwrap his candy. Sits through a bunch of commercials and trailers; nothing. Sits through the opening credits; nothing. Dialogue begins - rustle, rustle as the Twizzlers get unwrapped.Or The Shaker: Gives the popcorn or beverage cup a shake during the silence that follows a shock in the movie.


I am over 6 feet tall and shant be directed to the back of the theatre. Bring a phonebook, shorty.


I thought it was just me that became obsessed about noise in the theater (too the detriment of my enjoying the movie). Yes, I'm the guy that turns and makes comments to obnoxious movie goers that mistake the auditorium for their living room.It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I don't think I can read this blog anymore because it's reinforcing my already anti-social behaviour at the movies...


If I live to be 100, I will never understand people who take or make calls (or texts) during a movie. You've paid money (or sneaked in) to escape reality, or the heat, or whatever. You know you're in a room full of folks who may actually want to see and hear what's happening on that giant rectangle of light in front of you. And yet you can't bear two full hours "out of the loop." If you're a doctor, get a pager set to vibrate. All others -- sit and watch the damn movie. It is, after all, the only reason to be in a darkened theatre while a movie is playing. Well, that and making out - which should be confined to the back row.


Going the 2nd week after opening to a matinee is a great idea.I've resisted the urge to put gum in the hair of a talker.Opening up your cellphone sucks...if you are just trying to figure out what time it is, buy a watch.Or, stand up and ask if anyone has the time.


I agree with gordon about moving over to make room for others. Unless you're sitting in the perfect spot where you get to put your feet up against a bar, or on the aisle, there's really no distincion between the seat you're in and the one next to it. This is the same sort of etiquette as drivers allowing signallers ahead to merge. They, too, could have left five minutes earlier, and thereby avoided inconveniencing you. Oh, wait, it's not always about you. Let them merge. Let them sit together. Love your fellow man.


Having read through all the comments, I thing vigilante justice is called for and totally appropriate...Eat something spicy and/or greasy andfart up a storm!Guarantee you, you will not have any problems with anyone around you.Happy and safe Labor Day weekend, one and all! Toot toot!

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    Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres.
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