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September 22, 2007

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Anonymous

Just a quick question about the setups: do the guys wake up alone, or can the submission make up its own context beyond what is provided?A_B

Ben K.

Earl wakes up in a field, and realizes he's a cow. He says, "When I decided to start building up good karma, I guess I didn't really think through the consequences."Larry wakes up in a tiny room in a dingy Motel 6. He turns on the light, looks around and says, "Damn, I knew that divorce was gonna cost me." He finds the phone and dials a number quickly. When someone picks up, he says, "Jerry, I have two words for you: Reunion special!"Liz wakes up in a large, comfy bed, then realizes her wrists are handcuffed to the bedposts. James Spader leans over her and says, "Man, our kids are going to win all kinds of Emmys!" She stares at the ceiling with a pained look on her face and says, "Blurgh!"Peter wakes up and realizes he's naked in someone else's bed. He looks over and there next to him is American Dad, also naked. Peter says, "Holy hell -- when I said I'd do a crossover show, I never agreed to this."

l.a. guy

Peter: Holy Shit! This is weirder than the time I dreamt a retarded chimp and Darth Vader got elected to run the country and got us into a disastrous war in Iraq.(Haven't seen any of the other shows. I guess only cartoons can hold my attention.)

Fred Wickham

30 ROCK.LIZ: (runs finger over sheets) 600 thread count? (concerned) God, I hope it's not a man.CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM.Larry wakes, bleary. Looks on floor and sees silky garment. Appears pleased as he sniffs it -- then becomes alarmed at its size and cut.LARRY: This is Mormon underwear. (looks at label) Fredericks of Salt Lake?MY NAME IS EARL.EARL: This don't look right. (He retrieves cell phone from pants pocket, takes his own picture in bed. Looks at picture.) This is my cousin Donnie's bed.FAMILY GUY:PETER awakes in a bed at the bottom of huge tank filled with manatees. PETER: These are not my writers. These are the writers South Park SAYS are my writers.(MANATEE delivers a ball to Peter's hand)PETER: They were right, you ARE my writers.Printed on the ball are the words, "They were right, you ARE my writers.

emily litella

PARIS (AP) - Famed french mime Marcel Marceau has died. He was 84. His last words were

A. Buck Short

emily litella said... PARIS (AP) - Famed french mime Marcel Marceau has died. He was 84. His last words wereAlbert Brooks said: HE ASKED TO BE BURIED IN A GLASS BOX. PALLBEARERS WALKING INTO THE WIND. Keep it goin' folks...

Joey Bahr

Family GuyPETER: (Reaching his arm over the shape next to him in bed.) Good Morning buttercup. How was last night for you?QUAGMIRE: Oh it was wonderful, giggitty giggitty.PETER: Giggitty? Lois never says that? Where the hell am I?QUAGMIRE: Boy this bird is bigger than I normally bag.Both men turn and face each other. They each let out a blood curdling SCREAM.INT. PETER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAYBRIAN: Yeah Peter, that's what you get for giving me nuticles and telling me they were my real balls.

Joel Thomas

EARL: Okay Beer, I gotta hand it to you, I have not seen a sequel so improve on its original since Godfath--No! Rambo, First Blood Part 2.LARRY: (Looks down at his own penis, sighs) Some things never change.LIZ: Oh, please, let him be the beer goggler.PETER: Ooh! Maybe I've switched bodies with Gérard Depardieu! Aw crap, my English is comprehensible.

Diana Gless

(third try - sorry Ken, problems posting!)Larry wakes up in a strange bed, turns over...and sees Wanda Sykes.WANDA: Hey Larry, you know what they say, once you go Black, you never go back.But don't try to get me now to become one of those Jewish Falashas or Sammy Davis Juniors or whatever, it aint gonna happen.

Michael Zand

No offense to anybody, but this is a shining example of how hard it is to write comedy.

Diana Gless

Family GuyPeter wakes up in a strange bed, turns over...and sees Larry Craig.PETER: Damn, I was going for George Michaels!

Michael Zand

Kudos to Angela though. She not only got the assignment but was true to the characters and genuinely funny.

David Charles

Peter wakes up in a strange bed and looks next to him...and sees Larry David and Earl.

Diana Gless

Larry wakes up in a strange bed.LARRY: I TOLD Lewis Manischewitz shooters were a bad idea!

Missouri Ralph

(Peter wakes up in a rustic looking cabin, on top of seven small beds pushed together. At the end of the bed are the seven dwarfs, hats in hand and making bedroom eyes at him.)PETER: Oh crap! I knew switching to lite beer was a bad idea...

Anonymous

In honor of Marcel Marceau, please observe this moment of noise.

A. Buck Short

MY NAME IS EARL EARL Whenever I wake up and something about the sleeping accommodations just don’t seem right, I think I must have had just a little too much of the grape the night before. Make that a lot too much. Then, if it turns out to be some kind of lodging establishment, I think of my cousin Vern’s third wife Epiphany -- the statuesque topless dancer who died in a terrible Murphy Bed accident on their wedding night. Having just been joined together in the closest thing to holy matrimony Bullhead City, Nevada has to offer, the newlyweds were spending their honeymoon night in a Laughlin, bed, and bed, and, bed, and bed, and breakfast. FLASHBACK to the couple in a seedy barracks-style room full of hookers and Johns making do with whatever sleeping accommodations for eight could be squeezed into a single room. EARL Vern was about to consummate their marriage for the third time that evening, when the Murphy bed they were consummating in folded up against the wall and decapitated his unfortunate bride. Vern, holding down the bottom position, is suddenly alarmed that the bouncing bed does not seem to be rebounding groundward as it had been for the previous two consumations. EARL People couldn’t help noticing that, when Vern remarried a year later, it was to a much shorter woman.Camera pulls back to reveal four posts and the heavily sagging mattress of the bunk bed above. Randy comes crashing through with the mattress between them. RANDY Earl, next time you make reservations at a place like Nutsy Leon’s Knotty Pine Motel Court, will you kinda keep it in the back of your mind to request a standard-issue king or queen? CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASMLarry bolts up and finds himself sharing the psychiatrist’s couch with Richard Lewis. RICHARD (explaining) Look, I’m feeling kind of weak for obvious reasons. So instead of waiting, I thought I’d come in on your time and find out what kind of schmuck starts a punchline contest in Beverly Hills on Yom Kippur?30 ROCKLiz awakens in Jack’s office, torso and knees elevated in the familiar “z” position of the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed that Jack had brought in for those recharging catnaps. LIZ I was out like a light, Jack. Maybe your problem is before sinking 45-hundred- dollars into a glorified Barcalounger, you might have remembered you sleep on your stomach.FAMILY GUYPeter awakens disoriented in a hospital bed, hooked up to an I-V and oxygen tube. PETER Where am I doc? What happened? DOCTOR Well, Mr. Griffin, I’m sorry to have to tell you that you drew the lucky straw as first patient in our Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. Seems you've been spending a little too much time fondling the fantastic four the toy factory has been bringing in from China, without washing your hands. That Silver Surfer's almost 100% silver lead. PETER Aw, crap, doc! DOCTOR But why just tell you about your life threatening illness, when we can sing it. A new barbershop quartet enters-THE OAK RIDGE BOYS,singing about the Pawtucket, RI Hasbro Toy line(roughly to the tune of AMERICAN MADE). Seems that every toy we sell these days Has got some Chinese lead. From our GI Joe To Mr. Zucchini Head. It’s in your Tinker Toys On your Tonka Trucks. But there’s one you know that just don’t suck. It’s made in the states, so you pay big bucks. ‘Cause My Little Pony is American Made. Hasn’t been touched by those Asian slaves. From his sexy long schlong to his saddle bags, My pony’s an American nag.Segue roughly into the tune of ELVIRA. OAK RIDGE BOYS You’ve got brain damage and some A.D.D. Losing your liver and your left kidney. You got some funny little seizures messin’ with your head, It's gotta be that Shanghai lead. So we’re singin’ Screw China, screw China. You’ve been toy poisoned, Screw China Giggity giggity, om poppa mow mow. Giggity giggity, om poppa mow mow. Throw Buzz Lightyear away.Because it's the holiest day of the Jewish year, for their final number, the long-bearded Oak Ridge Boy throws on a Hassidic fedora and Holstein patterned prayer shawl. The rest, skull caps. They sing their version of THE DREIDEL SONG. OAK RIDGE BOYS We’re selling Chinese dreidles, They make ‘em out of wood, Your baby sister ate one, Now she don’t feel so good. They low-ball price their dreidle By painting it with lead, And this is how free trade’ll Leave all our toddlers dead. So we’ll take their little dreidles, And shatter them like glass, Then ship them back and shove ‘em, Right up THAT Asian ass. Oh, dreidle, dreidle, dreidle We gotta make it stop, They’re poisoning my Pincus It's just a friggin’ top.SORRY, THAT'S MY WAD. HAVING ONLY SEEN FAMILY GUY TWICE, I HAD TO GIGGITY, GIGGITY,GOOGLE.

A. Buck Short

While I’ve got you, Ken, I thought you might see some series potential in today’s Dallas Morning News story about the religious transformation of former Packers/Cowboys offensive lineman Alan (now Shlomo) Veingrad. I am not making this up. Maybe a Weiss Shadow kind of sports drama? This is an actual story. I haven’t been aware of any conversion of this import and magnitude since Rams/Patriots running back Moshe Tatupu. (Tefillin in torah lifting photo courtesy of Balco?)http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/religion/stories/092307dnspo1aveingrad.3acaa69.html

Anonymous

Earl: Get Me a beer.Larry: Get me an asprin.Tina: Get me a man.Peter: Get me the 5th season of The Simpsons on DVD because I got nuthin.

Anonymous

EARL looks thoroughly impressed.EARL: Nice. Only a matter of time before these fold-out couches put regular couches out of business.

Mario Lopez

"Michael Zand said... No offense to anybody, but this is a shining example of how hard it is to write comedy."If writing comedy is so hard, how do you explain "Pacific Blue"?

Anonymous

Earl:Have I got indigestion, or has one of my kidney's been removed? Larry: You snooze, you lose, and sometimes neither.Liz:He, we, they were awesome.Peter:Next time, the troops get embedded with me!

Dhppy

My Name is Earl: Earl (v.o.): I could tell it wasn't my bed right away when Randy was missing and the sheets smelled like wildflowers. Truth is, when you wake up in a bed of real wildflowers, they smell a lot like beer and fertilizer.30 Rock: (Liz wakes up in a strange bed and contemplates the many possibilities from the office party the night before. )Liz: Dear God, let it be someone after my kidney.

Dhppy

I swear I didn't read any of the other posts before entering mine. Apparently Andy Ihnatko and I are on similar wavelengths. To quote SCTV "Scary... boys, and girls".

len Dreary

I only know Curb your Enthusiasm which I love.I haven't seen any of the others. Curb Your Enthusiam.Larry wakes up in a strange bed next to a strange chick.He takes a close look at her and notices her wig is askew. He takes a closer look and notices a hairy chest. He jumps out of bed and trips up on her (unattached) prosthetic leg complete with high heel shoe.As he examines the leg his cell phone rings. It is Cheryl.Looks out of window.Larry: Cheryl? I think i'm in New York.

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About

    Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres.
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