So far I have never been proven wrong. These are the kinds of pearls I will be bringing to KABC radio in Los Angeles when I co-host a sportstalk show this Sunday night. (And yes, they stream. Here's their website.)
But just for you, my cherished blog audience, I share my other irrefutable laws.
Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew. And the dimmest of the dim are working this weekend during the Thanksgiving rush.
There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.
There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.
If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.
If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.
The driver in front of you is an idiot.
There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.
If a restaurant patron has a walker or cane he will always be seated at the farthest table from the entrance.
In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.
The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.
When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.
The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.
When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage is doomed. It's okay to honeymoon there, just not have the ceremony. Trust me, you have a much better change of survival if you tie the knot in an Elvis chapel.
Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.
The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.
Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.
On my sportstalk show, the first caller will have a question about something I know absolutely nothing about.