By Ken Levine

Happy New Year!!!

Thanks to everyone for finding and reading my blog. Especially those of you in Croatia. My stuff usually doesn't play there. Also thanks for the comments and emails. Keep 'em coming. I've made a lot of new friends and even though my traffic is modest I'm still reaching more people than if I wrote a show for UPN. I look forward to providing more nonsense in the future.

May 2006 be for you what 2005 was for the Chicago White Sox, Mariah Carey, Batman, Apprentice Randall, Johnny Damon, Craig Ferguson, Keith Urban, Spamalot, Hilary Swank, the New England Patriots, Clint Eastwood, Jaimie Foxx, Maroon 5, Cate Blanchett, Felicity Huffman, Lost, Ray Charles, Roy Williams, Morgan Freeman, Everybody Loves Raymond, Jason Lee, Google, Carrie Underwood, Patricia Arguette, John Mayer, the USC Trojans, Kayne West, the 40 Year Old Virgin, Eli Manning, Alicia Keyes, Larry Brown, Survivor Danni Boatwright, Seal, Howard Stern, Naima Mora, Robert Blake, the San Antonio Spurs, Ann Womack, Peter & Lois Griffin, Roger Clemens, Ryan Seacrest, the X Men, the ipod, Paul McCartney, Kelly Monaco, the Wedding Crashers, Giacomo, Dan Wheldon, the basketball Tar Heels, Jack Bauer, and the guy who caught not one but two home run balls in that playoff game at Houston.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Ken

As we head towards the new year....

I bet NEW YEARS ROCKIN' EVE will get HUGE numbers. The curiosity factor on what Dick Clark looks like now has to be through the roof. If you see the American Bandstand set behind him you know he’s green screened.

I don't know, there's something freakish about this. But I guess that's one of the reasons PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is so popular.

Rain is predicted for January 2nd in Pasadena. For whatever reason it never rains on the Rose Parade. Might this be the year? If it does I hope Bob Eubank’s hair dye isn’t the kind that just washes out. Same with Stephanie Edwards’.

If you are from anywhere other than Los Angeles, a New Year's tradition is saying "who is Stephanie Edwards"?

I bet they wouldn’t hassle you at the unemployment office about not trying hard enough to seek work if your profession was parade commentator.

Does every float in the Rose Parade win an award? And all the awards are the same – “best use of animation”, “most creative use of animation”, "Best use of animation for a Texas float", etc.

Next month my gym will be packed. Everyone making their New Years resolutions. By February it will be just us regulars again.

And finally, as a special treat, a word from my daughter, Annie. You’ve met her in travelogues and the acerbic comments she’s posted. She’s my little Dorothy Parker without the suicide attempts. She has a request so I’ll turn over this over to her.

***

Dear Bloggers, Bloggettes and anyone else insane enough to read my father's ranting,

I'm a student at Northwestern and have a radio show on the campus station. It's supposedly been voted the top college station blah blah blah etc etc. (fill in credentials here). I co-host "Breakfast with Broadway" on Saturday Morning, that plays showtunes. (And I wonder why I have so many gay friends). So one week as a theme I was planning on doing the WORST songs in Broadway. i.e. "Turkey Lurkey," (Promises, Promises) "Shapoopy" (Music Man) and well... anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. If you have any incredibly bizarre suggestions, I would love to hear them. Thank you!

~Annie

P.S. You may NOT suggest a Stephen Sondheim song. Everything he has written is genius, and we will no longer be on speaking terms.

Spec Etiquette

I’ve had several people ask me what NOT to do when trying to get someone to read their spec. It’s a case by case basis of course but I’ll just share some of my own personal experiences or things I have witnessed.

I’ve had people give me spec scripts at high school reunions. Not a good idea unless it’s from the person you always had a crush on and they haven’t gained 300 pounds.

A well known comedy director was in temple during High Holiday services one year when a fellow congregant reached inside his tallis and pulled out a spec script. Not kosher.

When I was announcing for the Orioles I once got thrown out of Bobby Valentine’s office for asking tough questions. He was then the manager of the Texas Rangers. Fifteen minutes later I was summoned back, obviously to receive an apology. No. He had heard I was a writer and pitched me a movie. Try not to be an asshole first.

And then there was the time I was in a funeral home with my father making final arrangements for my grandmother who had just passed away. At one point the mortician asked what I did. When my father said I was a writer the ghoul launched into a twenty minute movie pitch. If my dad wasn’t there no one would believe that story. But it’s true. Pick your spots.

What you need to do is first introduce yourself and try to establish a relationship. How intimate is up to you. But here’s my favorite story. Years ago I and another writer, Larry, were asked to speak at a UCLA extension class. I was a story editor on MASH at the time and he was story editor of RHODA. As we stood in front of the class lecturing, a friend overhead one young woman saying to another: “I think I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather do a RHODA”.

Random thoughts

Is there anyone the Carver on NIP/TUCK missed? Series regulars, guest stars, extras, crew members who came too close. I hope they didn’t auction off any walk-on parts for charity. When the Carver was finally revealed to be the weird doctor I felt very let down. First of all, how obvious. And secondly, I was praying it would be Joan Rivers.

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is to James Bond what NIP/TUCK is to Quentin Tarentino.

Next year Sean’s daughter Annie enters the 5th grade and becomes the next Dr. Kivorkian while son Matt learns he’s really Hillary Clinton.

Bring on the SHIELD.

Why do writers have an inferiority complex? In KING KONG the heroric gifted playwright loses out to the ape.

I enjoy HOUSE even though I don’t understand half of what they’re saying. And that's without Hugh Laurie's British accent.

What hospital has glassed in patient rooms? That’s gotta be a treat using a bedpan while people walk by. The good news is you’ve got a private room. The bad news is it’s in Macy’s window.

FAMILY GUY now makes the SIMPSONS look like Willie Mays the last year he was playing for the Mets.

I can’t wait for 24.

I too have been getting coded messages from David Letterman. Whenever he says, “Paul Shaeffer, ladies and gentlemen” what he’s actually saying is “I stopped being really funny when Merrill Markoe left as my head writer”.

I love Christmas TV marathons. Gave me a chance to sip some egg nog and catch up on BEING BONADUCE. Danny is such a tortured self-destructive but bright guy I would love someday to sit down with him and ask with great compassion if Susan Dey really did fuck David Cassidy.

Big article this week in the LA TIMES Calendar section on why the movie industry is in shambles this year. Too bad that everyone it applies to or could benefit from it is out of town in either Hawaii or Aspen.

Howard Stern is a genius. He makes a $500,000,000 deal, abandons the fans that made him so popular, and they come out in the freezing rain to cheer him on his last day. And he did it without Karl Rove.

I hope Deborah Gibson wins the ICE SKATING WITH THE STARS show.

Al Sharpton now says he won’t do a sitcom. America has lost one of its great funnymen. But he is available for the next edition of ICE SKATING WITH THE STARS.

Free Lil’ Kim.

Hey, what about Danny Bonaduce as the Carver? Now that would have scared the shit out of me.

Attention waiters: WRITE IT DOWN!! You do not have to be “off book” on my order.

Unless you’re David Duchovny and you’re married to Tea Leoni, why would ANYBODY go to see FUN WITH DICK AND JANE? And even then, I bet if he just bought her some necklace from Zales he could talk his way out of it.

And finally, I’ve asked this before and I’m serious – how do they make dippindots?

Hawaii 2005

Home from Hawaii where even bad news is delivered by newscasters in Aloha shirts. It was a fabulous trip with the usual Levine family foibles.

NEVER take Hawaiian Airlines. In a world a lackadaisical don’t-give-a-shit airline employees Hawaiian is the gold standard. It’s bad enough our luggage didn’t arrive with the flight. Neither did the bags for half the passengers. And this was true of EVERY Hawaiian flight. Seems they sort of put on the bags they want and hold back others. Or put bags on earlier flights and just leave them in the terminal as sort of a fun scavenger hunt. Their motto should be: “Striving to be America West”.

We went back to the Grand Wailea on Maui – picture a combination of the Bellagio and Disney’s Blizzard Beach Water Slide Park.

We have a “Mountain view” room and by “Mountain” they mean the Four Seasons next door. I can now tell you which Endeavor agents sleep late.

Quickly unpacked, leaving a drawer empty for all the coffee packets, soap, conditioners, shampoos, and pens we planned to steal. No sewing kits this year. Those bastards!!

Went to sleep after a long travel day only to discover our room is only two floors right above the Tsunami night club. Is it just me or should they consider a name change? I’d change rooms but where else am I going to hear pidgin hip hop…as it was meant to be heard -- through the floor?

Annie’s was very excited about the GAP Winter Sale. Needless to say there wasn’t a single heavy coat, ski sweater, or scarf they were out of at the Wailea GAP.

Second day there I saw a schmuck wearing a CAA T-shirt. It flashed me back to years ago at the Kahala Hilton when I saw someone else wearing one of those. Remember as a kid you would put a comic book inside a real book so the teacher thought you were reading something worthwhile? In this case, sitting around the pool, this CAA tool was reading a book hidden inside a SCRIPT.

Went to make massage reservations at the spa. Was told they were having a “big promotion”. If you use this brand of massage oil they were hawking that smells like cinnamon and vanilla you get a whole $5.00 off their $155 massage. You’d be an IDIOT not to take advantage of that deal!

I don’t think the University of Nevada (Reno) will be asked back to the Hawaiian Bowl anytime soon. This annual football classic held Christmas Eve at Aloha Stadium (capacity: 50,000) and televised nationally on ESPN is a great source of pride to the islands. Three days before the game here’s how many tickets the University of Nevada (Reno) has purchased: 75.

We wanted to drive around the island but knew that LOST star Michelle Rodriquez was still on the road. 108 is not just the sum total of the “numbers”, it’s her average speed.

How do they make dippindots?

Annie received a fortune that said seek professional help.

One thing I miss: dogs. There is a long quarantine for pets coming over to Hawaii. Concern for the citizens. I say let Fluffy in and keep Michelle Rodriguez locked up for six months.

My neighbor from across the street is here. It’s the only time I’ve seen her in two years.

Went to Spago’s at the Four Season with writer friends Howard & Karen. We let the kids fend for themselves. A half hour into dinner I get a call from Annie. “Hey, Dad, turn around. Look to your left.” My first thought was “what the fuck are they doing at Spago? This is going to cost me a fortune!” My second thought was “where are they?” I told Annie I didn’t see them. She said, “more to your left. We’re waving.” I still couldn’t see them. Now I’m panicking. Jesus, am I going blind? This went on for two more minutes. Finally she said, “We’re at Longhi’s, have a nice dinner”, they laughed and hung up. I love my children but they’re evil.

Saw KING KONG at the Kihei Cineplex. A sign on the door said “shirts and footwear required”. Bad enough the movie was three hours, it started fifteen minutes late. The projectionist was busy manning the concession counter. The “Aloha Spirit” is a nice way of saying “We wish you would go home”.

Went to a new restaurant called “The Place”. It was a twenty-five minute drive (four for Michelle Rodriguez). The bartender and chef are from the Four Seasons’ Spago. So are the pizza recipes. And it’s right next to the Aquarium so you know the fresh fish is FRESH.

Cabana prices have gone up to $200 a day. The most expensive shade in Hawaii. And you can make reservations a year in advance. For only $100 you can reserve cloud cover.

My wife and daughter decided to skip the bike ride to the bottom of the volcano. Instead they went to Costco.

Hard to swim laps in the “adult pool” when there are people standing in the middle of it reading paperbacks. At least they weren’t reading scripts.

Preferred reading material this year: Debby’s shirt. She has a T-shirt filled with stupid quotes our buffoon of a President actually said. Some favorites:

“People say: ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say – ‘I love you’.

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

“We ought to make the pie higher”.

“History?…we don’t know. We’ll all be dead.”

“One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

“I’m the master of low expectations”.

And finally….”They misunderestimated me”.

A tourist was bitten by a shark 200 yards from our beach. So all beaches along the immediate coast were closed for a day…except the one that fronts the Four Seasons. Guess they figured with all the Hollywood agents there no shark would ever attack – professional courtesy.

Got in an elevator as a woman was pushing the button. She wore a baseball cap with an “L” on it. I asked what the L stood for and she said “lobby”. Do I really look THAT stupid??

The Aloha Spirit continues: at every Hawaiian airport in addition to the usual TSA inspections (take off your shoes, belt, pull out your computer, remove your pacemaker) they also feature two additional agriculture inspections (one for check-in luggage and one more at the gate for carry on). God forbid a papaya gets into the United States. The terrorists win.

And yes, we saw Santa Claus this year. This time in a golf cart tooling around the Maui airport tarmac. So that’s where he gets all his toys and goodies – from all the Hawaiian Airlines luggage that never arrives to you.

Attention Academy Members

Back home in LA. My Hawaiian travelogue to follow very soon.

Meanwhile, it’s GREAT to be in LA this time of year. It’s empty. And if you’re a member of one of the industry guilds or academies you get into movies free. Any movie that hopes to have even a ghost of a chance of getting a nomination participates. Which means every current release except FUN WITH DICK AND JANE.

A few years ago there was an indie film I wanted to see and I had a day off. It was a Wednesday. I checked the paper and saw the only place that had a matinee was the Peppertree Theatre, way the hell up in Van Nuys or Granada Hills somewhere. Having nothing better to do I drove out there. Must’ve taken an hour. The Peppertree was an old Cineplex in a dingy shopping center that time had long since passed by. It's centerpiece might've once been a Montgomery Wards.

I went up to the girl at the boxoffice, told her the movie I wanted to see and handed her my WGA card.

She looked at it and said, “What’s this?” She must’ve been 17 at the most. I explained the deal. This movie was free to WGA members. She knew nothing about it. I said, check with your manager. He wasn’t there yet. I said, check the LA TIMES, under the ad you’ll see a notice listing qualified guilds. She didn’t have a paper. I said there should be a sign-in sheet around. Is there any way to contact the manager? I’m entitled to free admission!

She looked at me with a pained expression and said, “But tickets are only a dollar”.

If there was ever a country of schmucks I would be their king.

From all of me to all of you

Merry Christmas!!!

Happy Chanukah!!!

Since Christmas Day is traditionally a time of reruns I invite you to enjoy past posts.

Seasons greetings everyone!!!

How about this for your spec?

I just had a thought. A possible way for your spec script to stand out. Do a Christmas episode. In the ten million specs I’ve read over the years I can’t recall a single one that’s holiday themed. And fortunately, since only nine people read this blog, you won’t have to worry about a sudden glut of Christmas specs. It’ll just be you and one other guy and he’s in Australia.

The trick of course is to find a fresh twist on the subject – not an easy task by any means. As a show runner I always dreaded the Christmas episode. What could we do that hasn’t been done so many times the FATHER KNOWS BEST writers were tired of it? The Scrooge rip-off. Wonderful Life rip off. Forgot to get a present. Gift exchanges going awry. Can’t get home for Christmas. Family staying with you for Christmas. Volunteered to help at the homeless shelter but got invited to a swank party. Is that old guy with a beard who urinates on your lawn really Santa Claus? Christmas miracles. Christmas lessons. You know the drill.

But if you can somehow find a variation, your spec might really stand out, and who knows? Show runners may just want to buy it for the story alone.

Anyway, it’s a thought. Along with….

Merry Christmas.

Christmas in Palm Springs

Aloha. It’s travelogue Friday, sharing some of the goofy travelogues I’ve emailed to friends over the years. At the moment I’m in Hawaii composing a new travelogue you’ll receive next week. But here’s where we were last year. Cast of characters: Debby (wife), Matt (22 year old son), Annie (18 year old daughter). You’ll get to know them.

The Levines decided on a mere abbreviated trip this holiday season. A long weekend in Palm Springs. Turns out it was just like Hawaii. All those beautiful sandy beaches…but a much farther walk to the ocean.

We drove down on Christmas Eve. It was my first time on the Sonny Bono Memorial Freeway. Oddly, it was not tree lined.

Passed the new Morongo casino. Matt found it amusing that a casino would have “moron” in its name.

I don’t get the desert. It’s all “Gary Gilmore” country to me. The two big things to do in Palm Springs are play golf or have Sinatra get you laid. So now there’s only one thing.

Easy to tell the locals -- the men wear red polyester pants with white belts and the women dye their hair the color of Huckleberry Hound.

We stayed at a small resort called 7 Springs. We made the reservations on the ORBITZ website. No wonder we got such a good deal. The hotel knew nothing of our reservations. Even with a confirmation number. That number it seems, simply confirms that they have successfully cashed your deposit. Fortunately the hotel had accommodations that would be available in three hours. I asked why so late? The Christmas Party. Housekeeping is shut down until gift exchange. The 7 Springs is a far cry from the 4 Seasons.

And we learned (only upon arrival) that they take pets. And not just little pets either. BIG angry pets. Pets that are not used to being cooped up in hotel rooms. Pets that don’t like the idea of my wife using the pool. Who needs the playful dolphins at the Kahala when you can have surly pit pulls at the 7 Springs?

Matt suggested all guests be issued a tranquilizer gun at check-in.

And as luck would have it we were the only guests that did not bring a pet. You know you’re in trouble when one of the room amenities is a pooper scooper.

Since we had three hours to kill while housekeeping played “Silent Santa” we took a stroll down the main drag, Palm Canyon Blvd. This is the Waikiki of Palm Springs. T-shirt shops, tank shirt shops, wife beater shirt shops. Like Hollywood Blvd they have their “walk of fame” with stars in the sidewalk honoring various Palm Springs celebrities. Stars included Liberace (of course), Sandler & Young, Elke Sommer, Rich Little, Kate Ballard, Victoria Principal, Nancy Sinatra (the only female star who didn’t sleep with Sinatra), “Iron Eyes” Cody, cowboy rope trickster Montie Montana (who once performed at my elementary school), and Cheeta “the Chimp” (no foolin’) listed as star of stage, film, TV. Appropriately, his star was right next to Chevy Chase’s. For those who don’t remember, Cheeta was Tarzan’s sidekick in many films and had a brief affair with Maureen O’Sullivan. One star they featured that does not have a corresponding one on Hollywood Blvd is “Borko B. Djordjevic, M.D.—Plastic Surgeon/Humanitarian”. Annie quipped: “Boy, people must’ve been really ugly to have made him a humanitarian.”

Like Sinatra, Bob Hope, and President Eisenhower Cheeta had a compound out here. Actually he’s still there. At 71, Cheeta is the oldest living chimp in captivity. I bet he looks great in red pants with a white belt and still pines for Maureen O’Sullivan.

There are fifteen Thai restaurants on Palm Canyon Dr. Why??? Considering the mean age of the local population is 106 I can’t imagine there’s that much demand.

On the other hand, the local “Follies” show does make sense. It’s a big review of music from the 30’s and 40’s performed by people who are 57-87. Matt was a little creeped out by their poster that labeled the show “sexy”. Appearing with the Follies until New Years Eve is Buddy Greco. If Bobby Darin had lived I’m sure that would’ve been his gig. We’ll know next year if Kevin Spacey is the headliner. We didn’t go only because it was dark for the Christmas weekend.

In Hawaii a big problem is always trying to find a restaurant open on Christmas Eve. No such worries in Palm Springs. I guess because they get JEWS here, but we had no problem getting into the LG Steakhouse on Palm Canyon, conveniently located near the “Crazy Shirt” emporium. On Christmas night we hit the “Great Wall” Chinese restaurant and saw the same Jews we saw the night before at the LG Steakhouse and earlier that day at Sherman’s Deli.

Surprisingly, Sherman’s is quite good. It has to be judging by the autographed celebrity pictures proudly displayed. Kay Ballard, Keely Smith, and Sandler & Young. I guess Cheeta was less enamored with his meal.

We put our “Do Not Bark” sign out and went to sleep. The beds were quite comfy. It was a relief that 7 Springs did not refer to the mattress.

Going through the local paper I noticed there were more ads for dermatologists than “after Christmas sales”.

I’m sure if we were at a larger resort we could’ve seen Santa ride in on a moped.

Or gotten maid service. No maid service at the 7 Springs on Christmas. And their complimentary “continental” breakfast consisted of packaged vending machine pastries and kibble.

There is a Trump 29 casino nearby. Who knew Donald Trump was an Indian?

Jacuzzi capacity at the 7 Springs: 8 people, 6 pets.

I wonder if Sinatra ever got Cheeta laid.

The Art Museum featured selections from the William Holden collection. Probably whiskey bottles from around the world.

The first two days were clear and cold (but a “dry” cold).

On Sunday Debby and Annie invaded the outlets at Cabazon (a stunt they wouldn’t even subject contestants to on “Fear Factor”). Matt and I checked out the Spa Casino. It made me long for the now defunct Debbie Reynolds hotel and casino in Laughlin, Nevada. (I always imagined Debbie getting an urgent page, “Come quick, Ms. Reynolds, the toilet in 604 is overflowing”.) A Palm Springs casino means 90% slot machines, maybe fifteen gaming tables, no craps, no sportsbook, video roulette, and aisles wide enough for walkers. But no pets!

In a pathetic attempt to recreate Hawaii we went to dinner at Roy’s in Rancho Mirage. Rancho Mirage is much classier than Palm Springs. As you drive there on Highway 111 the car dealerships get more upscale.

All foibles aside, it was great for the family to get together as one even for a few days. (Damn these kids for having their own lives!) Next year Hawaii or the Debbie Reynolds hotel in Laughlin, it really doesn’t matter.

Ken Levine
Stage/Film/TV/Humanitarian

A touching Christmas story

One of the many reasons I became a writer is that I got tired of being fired as a disc jockey. Today marks the anniversary of the last time I signed off my show with “see you tomorrow” and was never heard from again.

1974, I’m Beaver Cleaver on KSEA, San Diego, playing “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” five times a night and seriously considering blowing my brains out. Yes, I know – why “Beaver Cleaver”? Ken Levine sounded too Jewish. (Reelradio.com has some of my embarrassing airchecks. Check my links section.)

The fall rating book came out, the numbers were not good, and at 3:00 I was told to hurry down to the station for an all-important staff meeting at 4:00. We all assembled and were told the station had decided to change formats to gospel and we were all being let go. “Even me?” I said in mock amazement. “Especially you.” “But I could change my name to Eldridge Cleaver.” “I’m going to need your station key”.

Quick aside: a year earlier at KMEN San Bernardino they wanted to get rid of me by moving me from the evening shift to the all-night show. The cheap bastards were hoping I’d quit so they wouldn’t have to pay severance (maybe $300 at most) and be on the hook for unemployment insurance. I asked the program director to at least do the humane thing and fire my sorry ass. “Nope”, he said, “Starting tonight you’re midnight to six.” So I stopped off at the local record store, picked up an LP, and dutifully reported on time for my shift.

Like KSEA, we were a high energy Top 40 station. (Our program director was in love with WLS whose slogan was “the Rock of Chicago” so we became the much catchier “Rock of the Inland Empire”.) I signed on and started playing the hits. Then at 12:30 segued smartly into FIDDLER ON THE ROOF….in Yiddish. The entire album. I was fired during “Anatefka”.

Back to the KSEA staff meeting -- Our morning man, Natural Neil asked when this format change was taking place. A month? A week? The program director looked at his watch and said “45 minutes”. And with that we were all canned. KSEA was gone…along with the promotion we were running at the time --

“Christmas the way it was meant to be!”