By Ken Levine

Wendy Wasserstein 1950-2006

Wendy Wasserstein was a trailblazer in American theatre. She represented a group that has long been considered second class citizens, that rarely gets respect or is even taken seriously. That group of course, is comedy writers.

You thought I was going to say women, didn’t you? Well yeah, she did all that too. And you can throw in a voice of our generation. But she did more. She made her mark using comedy.

There is no more haughty self-important community than the New York thea-tah scene. For a play to be important it had to be a “drahhhma”. It had to challenge, elevate, disturb, enlighten (confuse?...bore?). Comedies were crowd pleasing little trifles. Wendy Wasserstein changed that. She wrote thought provoking, challenging, enlightening plays that were real and FUNNY. She won Tonys and Pulitzers and proved that comedy writers could eat at the grown up table too.

I hope they name a theatre after her or an honorary Tony in her name or whatever these people do to pay tribute to their own. A sandwich, a drink at Sardis even. I mean, there are streets on Broadway for Cousin Brucie and Senor Wences for godsakes. Wendy Wasserstein will be greatly missed – by comedy writers, by women, by her generation, by anyone who loves to be transported by the magic and power of the theatre. She deserved a happier ending…and a much longer run.

Falling stars

Big article in the LA Times CALENDAR section Monday bemoaning the fact that today we have so few legitimate “movie stars” (Hollywood’s version of the Great Depression). Don’t tell that to the actors themselves. As far as they’re concerned they’re bigger and shine brighter than ever. They’re also under the delusion that their stardom will last. Approach one of these thesps to star in a television series and they will take it as an insult.

Well, guess what – sooner or later you’re all coming to us little people of the little screen. That’s right. You may have your Oscar and religion and entourage. You may have your vanity production company, a little yapping dog that you always carry in your purse, and star on Hollywood Blvd in front of the Museum of Bras – but sometime in the future you’re ours.

If there’s such a thing as “Murphy’s Law” I call this “Murphy Brown’s Law”. Candice Bergan, Whoopi, Bette, Geena, Spader, both Sheens …. The list goes on and on.

Movie people consider television the Fredo Corleone of entertainment even though most movie stars today made names for themselves by originally being on TV.

What usually happens is this: their career starts going south. Three straight flops, age catches up (29), a new Flavor-of-the-Month arrives, having a kid by Billy Bob Thornton – these are just the common reasons.

Your agent starts getting inquiries. Instead of laughing in your face he says “she’s not ready yet but maybe in a year”. This means the only offer she’s received in the last few months is the PROJECT GREENLIGHT movie and they want her to read for the 14 year old director. Check back in a week.

The next step is the agent informing the networks that their client “might” be available for someone to build a show around them. This list is distributed to studios and producers. I’m always amused that on this list are always two or three who include the condition “will only meet with A-level writers”. Invariably, these are actors who have never received higher than seventh billing.

A year later they’re in – starring in pilots, reading for pilots, doing a four show guest arc on a prestigious series, joining the cast of an established hit. At first it’s hard, a come down. But then they discover something – television is a great life! Big money, major recognition, steady work, three to six months off – all the things that were there the first time they were in TV and couldn’t wait to leave.

It turns out Fredo’s not so bad after all.

Jack Black – see you in five years. Jennifer Aniston – welcome back in three.

Celebrity Fit Club

I have a new favorite show – CELEBRITY FIT CLUB on VH1. Ohmygod! Reality television at its most absurd...for now. Overweight quasi-celebrities form teams, compete in grueling physical challenges like rolling a big ball 200 yards, and weigh-in before a stern three member board consisting of a doctor, psychologist, and drill sergeant.

I know. It sounds like a sketch.

At the end of the show the teams climb onto the world’s sturdiest balance scale and the squad that has lost the most weight wins. It is the same scale that determined that Los Angeles is heavier than San Francisco.

The host is America’s game show master – Ant. He delighted the audience by doing a dick joke two minutes into the show. Somewhere Wink Martindale is crying.

The weigh-in is a riot. The celebrities (?) get on the scale fully clothed. In the case of jumbo rapper, Bizarre that meant a heavy letterman jacket and enough jewelry around his neck to break a horse. When told he weighed 300 pounds he said, “Yeah, but I feel slimmer”.

Big dramatic moment: Jeff Conaway had a complete meltdown and was tossed off the show. The strain of not being able to eat whole cakes must’ve been too much for him. He was replaced by Gunner Nelson (whose big talent is that he’s Ricky Nelson’s son). Too bad Nelson didn’t replace Conaway on TAXI too.

Nice touch breaking for commercial and showing the trailer for BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2.

Bruce Villanch was another of the celebrities (?). He is enormous now, weighing well over 315 pounds (although to be fair, the camera does add ten pounds). He’s so fat and so out of shape that instead of participating in physical challenges he sits off to the side wearing a heart monitor. Bizarre has asthma so he’s on the bench too. It’s not exactly the Marines.

Then there’s Kelly LeBrock. I gasped. Gravity and middle age is a bitch. I don’t think the WEIRD SCIENCE nerds would be making a robot of her today. Kelly’s target weight loss this week is three pounds. She could achieve that easily by not getting another collagen injection.

Among the other celebrities (?):

Chastity Bono (Chris Farley lives). Growing up she must’ve eaten her meals and mom’s. That explains why both of them look the way they do today.

Countess Vaughn…who I guess is an actress. She’s lost a lot more parts than weight lately.

And former Cosby kid, Tempestt Bledsoe. They should rename the show CELEBRITY CAREER AUTOPSIES.

And of course the psychologist they hired, Dr. Linda -- there to make them feel better about themselves -- is slim and smoking hot. (And by the way, good job with Jeff Conaway, Dr. L.)

For sheer guilty pleasure this show can’t be beat. Grab a bag of Oreo Double-Stuffs and tune in next week when they all participate in life guard drills.

Anna of a thousand quotes

Having broadcast major league baseball for seven years I got the chance to meet quite a few “players’ wives”. Usually attractive in that charming “I’m a former prom queen so fuck you” way, they’d go to the games decked to the nines in every piece of jewelry they owned. Every night was prom night, even if it was 100 degrees and “Beer Night” in Kansas City. Most were very sweet, all were very cliquey (starting pitchers wives wouldn’t sit with catchers wives, infielders spouses avoided outfielders spouses, and of course no one sat with relievers wives), and very few were rocket scientists. When I was with the Orioles my wife preferred to sit with Cal Ripken’s mother.

In short, most players wives are a piece of work. But nothing compared to Kris Benson’s better half, Anna.

Kris is a grossly overpaid pitcher recently traded to the Orioles from the Mets for a bag of donuts. The Mets PR director can be taken off of suicide watch now.

This is typical Anna: She always bends over whenever photographers are around - like posing in a low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit, with kids, at the Mets' Christmas party - and she’ll do whatever it takes to grab the spotlight: "How are they going to sit there and say it's so controversial when they sign someone like (Carlos) Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?"

Her publicist quickly called a press conference. Yes, she has a publicist. She employs the same firm that handles Israel's Likud Party. Here was her idea of damage control -- she showed up chewing gum, wearing wicked-witch red shoes, an Orioles jersey over jeans, and when she stood up, for one golden moment, the jersey magically opened to reveal white stitches on a baseball bra.

About the Christmas photo op she told the stunned room, "You guys loved it. Say it, you loved it. One picture. I'm kind of miffed about that. Besides, don't these kids' moms not have breasts?"

Nice.

There was talk she was going to pose nude for Playboy and the Mets, surprisingly, wouldn’t let her do it.

But my favorite Anna sound byte was her earlier shot at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA): "I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don't like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals. Between my furs and my shoes, I have a whole zoo in my closet. I also love to eat meat. I eat meat twice a day because I need the protein and soy gives me painful gas."

Ohhh Lucy, you got some 'splain' to do!

I think New York is going to miss her. Because for the $22 million that the Mets were paying Kris Benson, these insane quotes are the best thing to come out of the deal. I look forward to her stomach's reaction to crab cakes.

Why we fight

After yesterday’s post someone wondered why my partner and I still continue to write pilots despite the state of the industry. The facetious but partly true answer lies in a speech I wrote in my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. It’s about the network upfronts process as played out in a New York hotel suite one of the studios has claimed as its war room. I had a reading of the play last summer and was fortunate enough to put together a sensational cast that included Jason Alexander, Wendie Malick, Ed Asner, Kurtwood Smith, Jennifer Tilly, and Matt Letscher.

At one point Gary (Jason Alexander), a grizzled veteran, is asked the same question by a young writer (Matt Letscher) whose first upfronts has been a nightmare.

GARY
You do it my friend, because more people will see one episode of television you write, even if it finishes dead last in the ratings, than have ever seen all the productions of "Thousand Clowns" put together. And among those millions and millions of viewers there have to be at least one or two of the girls from high school who wouldn't sleep with you. That's why we do it. That's why we'll continue to do it.

***

Touching words I know. Truthfully, writers in television still have way more influence and creative say than screenwriters. And if you’re lucky enough to somehow catch the brass ring, create a show that works – it can be a spectacular (and lucrative) experience.

****

With UPN merging with the Frog this week -- a further example of how huge conglomerates, swallow up, own, and control everything in their path -- I thought I’d post another excerpt from my play,

Here is Walter, the network president’s justification for this new corporate model. Picture Kurtwood Smith as Walter, Jason Alexander as writer Gary and Wendie Malick as writer Beth.

BETH
(to Walter)
So you guys merge with Haleburton and Enron yet?

WALTER
You worried about it?

BETH
No. I just see the trend and worry that someday I'll be living in the "United States of Google".

WALTER
Yeah, yeah. Corporate America, the ultimate evil. Ruining this great country of ours. Here's the story I like to tell. Let's say there's this small town -- real Americana -- Hooterville or Pixley or one of them. They got a nice little Main Street with all these ma and pop businesses. And everyone is real friendly. The owners all know everyone by name. "Becky's getting so big", "I heard little Skip got a telescope", that sort of shit. And then Wal-Mart opens on the edge of town. And everyone goes "who needs Wal-Mart with their big city ways? We're just fine." Well, let me tell you, the first thing Wal-Mart better stock is two-by-fours because that's what the Main Street merchants are going to need to board up their shops. Because the minute Wal-Mart opens people are going to discover that hey, there's more jobs, a much better selection, and at cheaper prices. So what if they don't know my kid's name? I'm saving money!" And what do they do with that extra money? Well it's their choice but they can build better schools, and parks, and roads. So at the end of the day, you look back, and Wal-Mart didn't destroy Hooterville, it saved it.

GARY
That's beautiful. It's like if Michael Milken wrote a children's book.

If you have a pilot...

If you have a comedy pilot in development with one of the major networks here’s probably where you are today.

You sold the idea in September. It used to be you would then construct a story, go in and pitch it to the network two weeks later, work out any kinks with them and then go write your draft.

Now networks want a detailed outline. That means you spend two weeks constructing the story, a week to write the detailed outline, three weeks getting notes from your non-writing producers (“pods”), studio, and network, revising the outline, re-submitting it, waiting another week for everyone’s reaction, and finally getting it approved.

Two months.

You write the first draft. Takes about a month. It always takes longer writing a pilot. You have to discover the characters, feel your way along, and try to jam in story turns that really don’t work but the network/studio/pod wants.

Once you finish the draft I suggest you read it over and enjoy. It might be the last time you recognize it. You submit it to the studio and your pod. Before they even read it a notes call is arranged. There will be notes, that’s a given. Three days go by, you’re lucky if you hear from anyone with at least a reaction. Then comes the conference call. You’re on with seven people -- four execs named David and three junior execs named Stacy.

You get your notes and do another draft. Either the process repeats, or you’re given just a few “polish” notes (one pod started giving us stage direction notes at this time – yeah, he really saved the show), and then your script is submitted to the network. A notes call is immediately arranged. You may think the script is perfect and your studio/pod may think it’s perfect but sight unseen the network knows they will have some problems.

If you’re lucky your agent gets a reaction call. Or the studio or pod. On super rare occasions the network will actually call you, the writer and creator of the show. Usually they dialed by mistake.

This conference call features eleven people – one more David and three Katies. These are the network notes but the lower tier (development department) notes. Once these are done to all eleven peoples’ satisfaction it goes up the ladder, usually to the middle tier VP’s. Writing a pilot is like playing Super Mario Brothers.

Another call. More notes. The script goes back in to the network where it finally is kicked upstairs to the man who will be making the ultimate greenlight decision. All you've accomplished with these previous notes is perhaps this middle tier will send it along with their “recommendation”. Sometimes the man making the decision is only vaguely aware that this project exists. Sometimes he doesn't put a lot of stock in his staff's recommendations. Your future is in his hands.

And that brings us to today. The script is in. You wait. Fox, for example, commissioned 110 scripts this season. They may make thirty pilots (comedy and drama). There may be commitments and penalties attached to certain projects which give them a leg up. Projects from the studio owned by the network have an advantage. Sometimes networks double and triple develop – there may be two other pilots with the exact same arena as yours. One network last year even had two pilots with the same title. Other considerations: their needs, where can your show go, what could they pair it with, do they owe anyone favors, how expensive would the show be, and oh yeah – do they like it?

Suddenly you are in the cone of silence. You call your agent, you call the studio, you call your pod, the studio calls your agent, the agent calls another agent, your pod calls his wife, you call another studio, the studio calls your pod’s wife. You hear rumors. They like it. You gave them just what they ordered (that’s usually the kiss of death). “He” still hasn’t read it. They want to talk to casting. They’re waiting for a few more things to come in. It’s his nephew’s bar mitzah.

And eventually word comes down that a few projects have gotten picked up. Uh oh. Fewer slots. Why haven’t they called you yet? What does this mean? The mind games begin. The phone calls continue.

Hopefully you’ll hear Monday morning. Or maybe not. Which generally means bad news, horrible news. But it could not mean anything at all.

Enjoy your weekend.

Diss 'n dat 2

I think Kobe’s 81 points in one game is a greater achievement than Wilt Chamberlain’s 100. Wilt scored most of his underneath the basket. Kobe was making shots from the popcorn machine with five guys hanging on him.

Wilt’s record of sleeping with 20,000 women is pretty safe however. At least while Kobe remains married.

I still find it hard to believe that Chamberlain had sex with 20,000 women. Harder to believe if more than six of them were Jewish.

COURTING ALEX should be called DHARMA BECOMES GREG. I don’t get it. Jenna Elfman’s gift is playing wonderfully goofy free spirits. Why make her an uptight unfunny prig? And let’s see, in the show there’s a down to earth bartender and a rigid super bright blond. Hmmm? Where have we seen that before?

I understand playing against type but not when it robs you of what you do best. Imagine Shelley Long as Dharma Finklestein and Jenna Elfman as Diane Chambers. Two superb comediennes but it just wouldn’t work.

If you haven’t seen FOUR KINGS don’t worry. You HAVE seen FOUR KINGS.

24 – So Jack’s cover has been blown. No longer any need to pretend he’s dead. Wouldn’t he call his daughter to let her know? Although maybe he did and got her machine. “Hi, this is Kim. I’m being kidnapped so can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I escape.”

MUNICH is taking a lot of heat. Producers are concerned because it’s not a shoo-in for Oscar nominations. They’re upset that the controversy is getting in the way of possible accolades. Damn, Hollywood is a cruel town!

I’d have a lot more respect for Steven Spielberg if just once he’d say, “I don’t care about awards or box office. This is the movie I wanted to make, this is the story I wanted to tell. I’m proud of the results and that’s all that matters.” I’m not holding my breath.

Big article in the LA Times CALENDAR section about this earlier in the week. It mentions that the movie was available for Golden Globe consideration only on the last day. A screening was arranged and only half of the 86 members of the Foreign Press saw it. Yet it still received a writing and directing nomination. Meaning what, it takes like 35 votes to get a nomination? The Golden Globes are a JOKE!!

How come the movies that are big sensations at SUNDANCE and make record deals never seem to be that good or successful when they hit the local Cineplex? Remember when HAPPY, TEXAS was going to be the next great American comedy? And HUSTLE AND FLOW was sure to redefine drama?

This has been floating around the internet lately. You may have seen it. If not, I feel it’s my duty as an American and someone with an IQ of over 50 to show it to you. From a recent President Bush press conference:

Question (WOMAN IN AUDIENCE):

'I don't really understand. How is it the new plan going to fix the problem?'

Verbatim response (PRESIDENT BUSH):

'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.'

Me: Holy shit!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!

UPN/WB we hadly knew ya...or watched ya

First off -- Happy Anniversary to my parents. 58 years on January 25th. There’s been some talk of divorce the last couple of days but I think they’re going to make it. I love you both and wish you many many more.

And speaking of marriages: UPN and the WB are merging.

1 + 1 now = 1

Thank God because here in LA maybe KCOP can go back to showing PERRY MASON reruns like did for thirty years (and got better numbers).

Not since Packard merged with Studebaker has there been anything this exciting. Both were out of the car business within a decade but still. (thanks to Mike McCann for that heads up.)

The name of this new network will be CW. Not great but better than WC which is the British nickname for toilet.

“See FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN followed by GILMORE GIRLS tonight on CW. “

It’s like combining the best of Taco Bell and Popeye’s menus.

Does this mean that GIRLFRIENDS will no longer be on THREE times a week?

What happens to UPN news? Do they sell the three police scanners?

Now what’ll their excuse be when shows get a ,01?

Will the UPN online store have a big closing sale on AMERICA’S TOP MODEL hot shorts with logo?

Garth Ancier is the Reggie Sanders of TV executives.

***

What this really means is….

…you no longer have to Tivo CUTS when WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU is on.

…Lil’ Kim has a harder time getting that sitcom.

…one less major buyer, fewer shows, fewer choices, fewer jobs. And no one’s getting fat ‘cept Mama Cass.

…if you have a midseason show about to premiere on the WB you are fucked.

…if you have a pilot at UPN you’re in trouble, if you have a pilot at the WB you’re fucked.

…the merger of BET and the Hallmark channel can not be far behind.

…there will not be a sequel to “Decade of the WB”, the DVD you can purchase with highlights from the network’s first ten years. (I hope it includes clips from SIMON and CLEGHORNE! and GREETINGS FROM TUCSON.)

…Hollywood can still keep a secret when it wants to.

…we’re getting closer to the day when one giant conglomeration controls the entire entertainment industry. Let’s hope Eisner doesn’t come out of retirement.

What's Howard Stern doing right this minute?

I love satellite radio. I can blissfully listen for hours without ever hearing “You’re mattress is freeeeeeee”, Skip & Steve, and “this is a Clear Channel station”. Terrestrial stations boast “12 in a row”. Well how about “12,000 in a row”? All for the monthly cost of one ticket to a Queen Latifah movie.

I have XM. Sirius is pretty much the same except Howard Stern will bankrupt them. XM has Major League Baseball which is the big draw for me. Vin Scully vs. Robin Quivers? Talk about a no brainer. (of course so is pneumatic drill vs. Robin Quivers).

To get the most from their big investments, XM and Sirius both are devoting a lot of time and channels to these premiere attractions.

In addition to all the MLB play-by-play, XM also offers a 24/7 baseball talk station. Fine during the season but what the hell do you talk about the other five months…24 hours a day?

“Curt Schilling update: his ankle is still healing. The lines are open. Let’s talk about it…for the next seven hours.”

Forget the players, the hosts need steroids just to get through those shifts.

But their job is cake compared to the team of eight (yes, EIGHT) poor newscasters who have to anchor…

HOWARD 100 NEWS on Sirius.

These former actual journalists must fill four hours a DAY with news about (and only about) Howard Stern.

“Curt Schilling’s ankle is still healing. How will it affect Howard? Let’s go to Julie for this live report.”

WHO GIVES A FUCK???!!!

I’ve always liked and admired Howard Stern. Even way back in Detroit when we were jocks on competing stations (He on W4 and me on WDRQ – “W-Dreck” as I used to aptly call it). I haven’t heard the show but I have to assume it’s a goof. It is a goof, right? Please? Still, those newscasters have to see GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK and want to kill themselves.

And this news (?) show follows a post-game wrap up of Howard’s show and precedes more analysis of the day’s program by (are you ready?)…his parents. (What, Ryan Seacrest didn’t apply?)

Come on! There has to be SOMETHING better Sirius could program. Something not trivial. Something substantial, important, relevant, informative, entertaining -- something the public would really want to hear the remaining sixteen hours a day. Something like….

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY 100 NEWS.

Bring back TV theme songs!!

There is an meme going around asking us bloggermeisters to list our favorite TV theme songs. And that got me thinking – I MISS TV THEME SONGS.

Networks today, so deathly afraid of tune out, have all but eliminated theme songs and opening credits. They go by so fast you can’t tell the difference between opening titles and vanity production cards. And I think it does a disservice to the shows and the viewers. A good opening title sequence can really set the tone for the show. CHEERS wasn’t just a bar, it was the place where everyone knows your name. If it premiered today you’d see the logo, an animated glass of beer being filled, and ten seconds of “Sweet Caroline”.

It would be a little hard to sell that the Monkees were this goofy playful rock band if the extent of their theme was “Hey hey, we’re the Monkees!” America would be saying “Hey hey, so what?”

Networks complain that sitcoms are all the same then take away their signature feature.

And here’s what they don’t understand -- a good theme and opening title sequence ATTRACTS viewers. Some people tune in specifically because they LIKE the title sequence. That was me with the Drew Carey “Cleveland Rocks” opening. If only the show was that good.

An added benefit in this day of synergy and cross promotion is that they can become hit records on their own. (HAWAII 5-0, WELCOME BACK KOTTER, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE) Think of all the free three minute plugs your show will get when KIIS-FM is playing the shit out of your theme. (I’m not being local here. Every city in America, Canada, Australia, and Yemen has a KIIS-FM).

These themes can become part of pop culture. I bet more Americans know the words to GILLIGAN’S ISLAND than the Star Spangled Banner. Hell, more people can sing the lyrics to CHARLES IN CHARGE. These ditties are burned into our brains. When we’re 90 and can’t remember if we put our pants on we’ll still be able to sing the MASH theme and the JEFFERSONS. (A year ago I would have put BEWITCHED in that category but I think Nora Ephron has permanently killed it. When are they going to stop letting her make movies?)

And ultimately here’s what we’re talking about – twenty more seconds. That’s all. Twenty more seconds. Maybe thirty. God forbid thirty-five. The same amount of time it takes to run a promo for LOVE MONKEY. What would YOU rather watch?

****

Okay, so in no particular order – my ten favorite TV themes.

MASH
PETER GUN
CHEERS
WELCOME BACK KOTTER
DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
MIAMI VICE
DREW CAREY SHOW
MR. LUCKY
MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
TOP CAT

****
One final thought, if you have opening titles then maybe the credits won’t extend so far into the show. Considering how large some of these casts and staffs are it’s not inconceivable that someday on a comedy credits will roll all the way through the tag.