By Ken Levine

Sweep suggestions

With May sweeps about to begin, here are a few things I'd like to see:

PRISON BREAK -- break out already for Chrissakes.

24 -- Let Chloe become head of CTU.

WILL & GRACE -- It's your last chance to get in every bad penis joke there is.

GREY'S ANATOMY -- Now that everyone has slept with everyone else, start sleeping with all the patients.

MY NAME IS EARL -- Transgression #18 Solve the Middle East problem.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES -- Go back to the first year when it was better.

LAW & ORDER -- replace Dennis Farina with Gallagher.

GILMORE GIRLS -- Since it's the last episode series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino will run, move the characters to Macon, Ga. and let the new show runner have to make that work.

The AMAZING RACE -- For the final challenge make both teams have to get through security at LAX in less than an hour.

HOUSE -- Let him get laid already. Have him guest on GREY'S ANATOMY.

LOST -- Find out that the missing characters were just in jail for DUI's in Hawaii.

AMERICAN IDOL -- Make the final original song that both finalists must sing even worse than the last few, if that's humanly possible.

Very small screen recommendation

Hello from Chicago,

On the flight over I noticed a lot of passengers watching mini-DVD's. Who needs that crappy CBS Eye on America with STILL STANDING reruns when you can watch, well, anything else? But what I saw were people watching LORD OF THE RINGS and WAR OF THE WORLDS and TITANIC on their five inch screens. Maybe it's me but don't you lose a little scope?

So my suggestion for you busy travelers with portable DVD players is the British version of COUPLING. All seasons are available. This is the funniest, sharpist sitcom to come along since the British version of the OFFICE. Yes, there was an American version but the one without the benefit of network "improvements" was an exploration of relationships not sex. And cast with endearing goofy FUNNY actors not J Crew models. Sex was just part of the mix. And as an added bonus, you can understand the accents.

With all the talk about comedy being dead these days, check out COUPLING and see that, when done right, the form is very much alive. On a five or fifty inch screen.

My spec is Earl (R)

...as it would say in TV GUIDE.

I’m heading to Chicago for the weekend to see my daughter at Northwestern. Travelogue will follow sometime next week. Not sure how often I’ll be able to post this weekend but I’ll do my best to check in. Meanwhile, today I’m reprising a very popular post from five months ago dealing with spec scripts. Staffing season is right around the corner and I’ve got a lot of new readers so I figured this article is even timelier now than when I first posted it. I’ve also updated it a little because no one remembers OUT OF PRACTICE or KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL. I hope this is helpful.

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I’m often asked “what’s the best spec script to submit?” I can only speak for comedies. For dramas I say cover all your bases and do a CSI: DEADWOOD. There is no hard and fast rule but I, and most sitcom producers I know, prefer scripts of existing shows over pilots. We want to see how well you can write other people’s characters and fit into other people’s styles. That’s what you’ll be faced with if you get an assignment.

So then the question is “what show do I pick?” Not EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. Select a current show you like and think you know the best. “Current” is the key word here. Once a show is cancelled the shelf life for your spec is about six months. You’ve got five minutes left for your ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. And I hope you didn’t pour a lot of time and effort into a spec TEACHERS. When RAYMOND went off the air everyone was sad but showrunners. No more reading fifty RAYMONDS a day when trying to staff! Same for this year’s departing WILL & GRACE! (although in that case I always found it hard to tell a good W&G from a bad one).

Of course you never have to worry with a SIMPSONS because they will go on making new episodes forever.

You do not have to write an episode of the show you’re submitting to. STILL STANDING will read KING OF QUEENS and vice versa. In fact, it’s tougher to sell a spec of the show you’re submitting to because they know that show so well. On the other hand, you could make up the names of the YES, DEAR characters and most show runners wouldn’t know the difference. But be careful. The show runners need to at least have heard of the show. For that reason I wouldn’t recommend specing a RODNEY or anything on the WB.

Here are a few other things to consider: The SIMPSONS and FAMILY GUY might really show off your funny but they’re cartoons. They don’t show your ability to write real people and emotions. So unless your specific goal is to write for a cartoon or the GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW, I’d say stick to live-action sitcoms. CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM allows you to push the envelope but the dialogue is improvised. There is no such thing as a real CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM script. So your spec might feel a little artificial. Of course you could always just write “Larry does something funny here” but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Unfortunately, there are not a lot of great shows out there at the moment. What I think we’ll see this year is everybody writing a MY NAME IS EARL. It’s clearly the best of the new crop. The only caution I give you is that EVERYBODY will be writing one. If that doesn’t concern you (or you’ve written it already) I say go for it. If it does then some suitable alternates might be THE OFFICE, SCRUBS (rumors suggest it’s coming back next year), TWO AND A HALF MEN, EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (although the bloom is definitely off that rose), or HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (a far cry from the CHEERS, TAXI, MASH, COSBY days).

Then there are the hour sorta-comedies. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, BOSTON LEGAL, HOUSE (they did a black basketball player big-dick anal sex joke last week, thus qualifying them as a legitimate comedy). These all have very specific tones. Hard to nail but if you do it could be a home run.

But at the end of the day it still is which show best fits your voice and sensibility? Good luck, and just so you know – the characters on YES, DEAR are Greg, Kim, Christine, and Jimmy. And the main character on RODNEY is Rodney (I think).

Room chemistry

When putting a writing staff together I always think of the great line from either Bob Schiller or Bob Weiskopf – what six people would you like to be stuck in a Volkswagon with driving across the country? Besides talent, so much depends on chemistry because you spend so much time together in close quarters under enormous pressure. By the end of the season even the closest staff starts getting on each other’s nerves. It’s like, take a fifty year marriage and compress it into eight months.

Here are some of the obvious annoying things staff writers do that drive me nuts. And every staff has them.

There’s “Captain Grammar” – he’s the guy who never contributes jokes or story fixes, just corrects grammar. And thinks he’s saving the show. If you can be replaced by a Microsoft Word tool you should not be on staff.

Every staff has that one infuriating person who always wants to go back four pages. You’re now on page 24, he wants to return to page 19.

“Mr. Back in a second” is in and out of the room fifty times a day for phone calls. The entire state of Rhode Island doesn’t get as many calls in one day as this guy. And when he returns you have to spend five minutes getting him up to speed. If he is also the “Can we go back to Page 17?” guy you fire him after thirteen weeks even if he’s funnier than Mel Brooks and Larry Gelbart combined.

Of course there’s the person who never shuts the fuck up. Even if they pitch something good you don’t hear it because it’s lodged in the middle of a story about her friend who has Crohn’s disease and her upcoming trip to Japan.

There’s the “PA Killer”. This guy terrorizes production assistants by sending them out for food sixteen times a day. And usually with specific requests. No eighteen year old blonde Reese Witherspoon lookalike wants to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles at 1 AM to pick up a snack.

Bi-polar people just seem to gravitate naturally to comedy writing rooms. The more depressed or angry the better.

Finally, there’s “Dr. No”, the guy who hates everything but never has any suggestions or alternatives. This person is either found dead in the parking lot or becomes the President of a network.

Fortunately, I have none of these bad traits, and I’m sure you don’t either. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a phone call.

Final Draft revenge

Is it just me or is FINAL DRAFT the worst script program out there? For reasons that astound me it seems to be the industry favorite, at least in the sit com world – or the Paramount sit com world. I’ve used both FINAL DRAFT and MOVIE MAGIC and greatly prefer MOVIE MAGIC.

They’re similar except I haven’t wanted to fling my computer through a window while using MOVIE MAGIC. Both have their quirks but FINAL DRAFT was obviously conceived by some crazed disgruntled programmer who once wrote a spec PUNKY BREWSTER that I rejected 30 years ago. He’s been trying to destroy me ever since. Or, maybe it’s not him. Maybe it’s somebody else…

For years I used SCRIPTWARE, which I just assumed was designed and run by a major company. Turns out it was some lady in the San Fernando Valley. Did I once date her? Is that why the importing feature never worked?

And now I think back to all the loony secretaries my partner and I have had over the years. One was a spinster who drove a stolen Porsche. Another showed us nude photos of herself (her we liked). One asked for an extra hour at lunch because she was going to get an abortion. When we said she could take the rest of the day off she said, “That’s all right, I’ve done this before. No biggie.” We had a secretary taking script dictation who would put her head down and nap every time there was so much as one minute of silence in the writers room. She was saving her energy because she and a few others in the typing pool had a bet to see who could sleep with the highest ranking movie executive at that studio. (For the record, ours came in second, and fourth, and fifth, and ninth) Could any of these fruitcakes now be designing script programs? (The nude modeler quit. Even our offer to make her co-executive producer wasn’t enough to change her mind.)

One assistant we had would routinely stand on her head in the reception area. She got hit in the head by a tree branch in the commissary patio but I don’t think we were named in the lawsuit. Only the studio and “Hawkeye Pierce” for some reason. Another of our charming former assistants was stalking a burned out former rock icon of the 60’s who she insisted was in love with her. This is the same assistant whose cat once went up a tree so instead of calling the Fire Department she called the Special Effects department to send a stuntman out to her apartment. You fire these people for cause but you always wonder…could any one of them be using their technical computer skills to boil my rabbit? I think back to the disgruntled FRIENDS writers assistant who sued the writers for sexual harassment. Did those writers get off easy? At least their script program will let them make page breaks.

Yes, I may be paranoid. Yes, I may be over-reacting. But when I want an action line and FINAL DRAFT just keeps sending me to the dialogue tab over and over and over and over, well come on, I’m not an idiot. I KNOW IT’S PERSONAL.

Summer Movies Preview -- the sequel

Continuing my look at the summer movies headed your way…

CLICK – Adam Sandler has a remote control and can pause the world. Sight gags, special effects, life lessons, and every other formula studio comedy trick ensues. If successful Adam’s character could join the next X-MEN movie as the mutant “Tivo”.

POSEIDON – Titanic meets Love Boat. The luxury liner capsizes. Glug glug. People drown. Still has to be better than taking a Carnival Cruise

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA – The Apprentice meets Hilary Clinton. The only reason Meryl Streep won’t get an Oscar nomination for her role is because she’s also in…

A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION – and does an accent. Shoo-in to win. Unless Rene Zellwegger is in a movie later this year and does a thicker accent.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT – Yeah, a sequel in Japan really worked for BAD NEWS BEARS.

THE OMEN –Remake of 1976 EXORCIST knock off. Since the EXORCIST was recently remade, this one had to be too. (For the record OMEN II is a remake of EXORCIST II).

THE REAPING – Yet another thriller about religious phenomena, this one starring Hilary Swank as a boxer who must go ten rounds against Satan. Between this and the DA VINCI CODE, and THE OMEN the Church is really taking it in the shorts this summer.

MIAMI VICE – Michael Mann updates his stylish 80’s TV series by removing all 80’s style. Original cast member Don Johnson cameos as Elvis the alligator.

LADY IN THE WATER – M. Night Shyamalan’s attempt to show he’s not a one-trick pony by doing a family friendly bedtime story. Unless advance screenings don’t test well. Then Bryce Dallas Howard’s lovable “Sea Narf” character will turn children into zombies and feed them to aliens.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – The big Sundance winner getting all the hype. Could be this year’s HAPPY, TEXAS.

A SCANNER DARKLY – Richard Linklater’s live action turned into animation-for-no-reason look at the drug culture. Keanu Reeves finally has an excuse for his two dimensional performance. If I want to see people turned into cartoons I’ll watch the A-ha music video.

WORLD TRADE CENTER – Is it too soon to see a movie about 9-11? Is it too soon to see anything again from Oliver Stone? If WTC does well its opening weekend will the headline in VARIETY be “Ground Zero Boxoffice Hero”?

SNAKES ON A PLANE – I submit we have fellow blogger Josh Friedman to thank for creating so much buzz about the studio wussying-out and changing this title that it got reinstated. Three guesses what the movie’s about.

CLERKS II – After JERSEY GIRL Kevin Smith must go back to the beginning and re-trace his career. Up next: CATCHING AMY.

And the overall good news about this summer’s crop of films – there’s not one by Nora Ephron!! See ya at the Cineplex.

Summer Movies Preview

Everyone’s doing their big Summer Movie Preview. Here’s mine.

DA VINCI CODE – Raiders of the Lost Holy Grail. I imagine it will reduce the lengthy obscure history discourses into action sequences. In keeping with the theme, Tom Hanks has the same hair style as Mona Lisa.

SUPERMAN RETURNS – The big question in Superman movies was always would the flying look fake? With Bryan Singer directing the big question is will Superman be gay? Will we be saying “Great Caesar’s Ghost” when we see his package? This movie will feature unused footage of Marlon Brando, hopefully from the last Superman series and not APOCOLYSE NOW. Let’s not hear the atrocities Vietnamese children are subject to on Krypton. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor should be fun…unless he breaks into Mack the Knife.

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND – New mutant this year. “Bouncer”. Can remove all static electricity and wrinkles. Big climax is Hugh Jackman as Wolverine trying to put in a contact lens.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST – Johnny Depp reprises his most fun role and Keira Knightley is in danger – Throw in some pillaging and I’m there. To better simulate the ride, two loud giggling annoying teenagers will be yammering in the seats in front of you.

THE BREAK UP – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Either it will be a big hit or next year Jennifer will be starring in a sitcom with Tony Danza on the CW.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3: Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins an Oscar yet his name is not even mentioned in the trailer. We get it. It’s a Tom Cruise movie. Big whoop. Tom Cruise reprises the two expressions he’s played in every movie since RISKY BUSINESS. They can spend $300 million to make this stunt fest and the best thing will still be the theme song.

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – Luke Wilson breaks up with his girlfriend, Uma Thurman only to learn she has super powers and uses them for revenge. I’m hoping she doesn’t have more masculine qualities than the guy playing Superman.

CARS – Pixar’s big screen version of the Chevron Oil cars. Unless the cute little autos break into song I predict huge boxoffice. I wonder if there will be a Pixar short first. Sorry, but I always hate them.

OVER THE HEDGE – Shrek with hamsters. Garry Shandlings’ voice. The first big screen whining cartoon character.

JUST MY LUCK – Lindsay Lohan (‘nuff said). Luckiest girl in the world meets unluckiest guy. They kiss and their luck is reversed. Gee, if that’s not the most formula high concept studio idea of the summer I don’t know what is. I bet they learn something along the way and fall in love too. And they sing a popular song from the 60’s in the middle of the movie and over closing credits there are hilarious outtakes.

TALLEDEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY – Will Ferrell’s NASCAR spoof. Could be more of a cartoon than CARS.

DOWN IN THE VALLEY – Sounds like the sequel to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Ed Norton is a cowboy in the San Fernando Valley. He’s in for a big shock when he learns that the Warner Ranch is really a series of office buildings and a Marriott.

…more tomorrow….

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN

Just saw LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN. Don’t make that mistake. Artsy-fartsy Tarentino wannabe directing and story starring Josh Hartnett (this generation’s Matthew Modine) and Bruce Willis whose current style of acting can only be described as “Botox”.

Quick cuts of a telephone ringing, random people getting graphically blown away, process shots of New York, a horse race – remind you of anything? Right. College. All those pretentious student films you had to suffer through. Only thing missing was an insufferable Q&A with the director afterwards where he told you how LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN was really a retelling of the story of Christ and an homage to the Jerry Lewis movies he saw as a kid.

The film (and it is a “film”) is all about the old bait and switch and the only one director Paul McGuigan pulled off successfully was convincing Sir Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman that this was a good career choice. (It’s hard to watch Morgan Freeman in a bad movie without thinking, “Where is Ashley Judd?”)

One performance of note: Lucy Lui. Probably only hired because she was in KILL BILL. A lot of Quentin-Envy going on here.

When you go to a movie and the commercials are better you know you’re in for a bomb. Avoid LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN.

Tomorrow: my Summer Movie Preview. Don’t buy your tickets just yet.

Love Letters

I see that CNN.com now has a “Worst song” article. Gee, I wonder where they got the idea?

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For my weekend post:

LOVE LETTERS by AR Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston and Shirley Jones & Marty Ingells. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:

Ann Coulter & Al Franken

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow

24’s Chloe & Gore Vidal

Kellie Pickler & Bucky Covington

Michael Jackson & Elizabeth Taylor

Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie

Tom Cruise & Brooke Shields

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa

Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil

Liza Minelli & David Gest

Jack Klugman & Lauren Becall

Barry Bonds & his mistress Kimberly

Donnie & Marie

Bill Clinton & (the voice of) Monica Lewinsky

Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell

President Bush & a mannequin

Lou Ferrigno & Marlie Matlin

Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant

Bjork & Bob Dylan

Katie Couric & Walter Cronkite

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt

Richard Hatch & Tonya Harding

The President of Iran & Rene Taylor

Bonnie Bernstein & Coach Roy Williams

And of course, Broadway’s latest stunt casting duo, whether they fit the roles or not….

Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick

Sexual Peversity in the writing room

Thanks to the California Supreme Court we comedy writers can continue to be vulgar and crass and sexist and infantile and crude…and do our jobs. With a vote of 7-0 the judges threw out the ridiculous sexual harassment lawsuit against certain FRIENDS writers and Warner Brothers filed by a disgruntled incompetent writers’ assistant who was fired for cause. The sexually explicit remarks made by the FRIENDS writers were not even aimed at her (although now they will be). They were directed at the actors.

Writers Rooms are not for the faint of heart. It is not the Queen’s Tea in there. Sitcom writers on multi-camera shows like FRIENDS work under enormous pressure. The writers see a runthrough at 4:00 and must fix the entire script that night, even if it means throwing out the script and writing a new one. They must identify the problems, come up with the solutions, and have the new draft ready first thing in the morning. Tough luck if the muse doesn’t come, or you’ve got the flu, or worse, had Laker tickets. And you face this daunting task essentially every night for 22 weeks.

To relieve that pressure and kick start the creative process, comedy writers need to be free to say ANYTHING. And considering we’re all neurotic, self loathing, insecure, still pining for that girl from Junior High, and funny our escape valve tends to be material that makes “The Aristocrats” joke seem PG. The only rule is everything and everyone is fair game…even YOU. The best way to prevent others from taking a shot at you is taking the shot yourself. A writers room is the only place in the world where the winner of a dick measuring contest is the one who has the smallest.

And if a favorite target is the cast, well who do you think had all the objections or tanked the material that resulted in this grueling rewrite anyway? You’re in a stuffy room eating bad Chinese food or El Pollo Loco while Courtney Cox is out for a lovely evening. Sure you’re going to talk about her genitals…for twelve hours.

Had the writers’ assistant won this absurd lawsuit the result would not be more genteel writers rooms. It would be fewer woman writers and assistants being hired. And no one would benefit from that.

One last point. If you were ever to be in one of these rooms you would likely be appalled, offended, even outraged…but you would never laugh so much and so hard in your life.

And maybe some of the Courtney Cox genital jokes were true.