By Ken Levine

Grab your parkas, it's July

Since the MASH frenzy continues, here’s another anecdote. It’s a re-post but for the many new readers I think it’s worth a summer re-run. Besides I have to read a lot of crap this weekend so I won’t sound too stupid co-hosting the Stephanie Miller Show this Monday & Tuesday.

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When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.

But….

Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.

This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.

The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.

This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.

If only we could do that today with networks and studios.

Goodbye Radar and June

On Monday and Tuesday I will be co-hosting the STEPHANIE MILLER syndicated radio show with the much-funnier-than-me Elayne Boosler. 6-9 AM on the West Coast and 9-Noon in the East. Needless to say, big audiences are expected for morning drive time radio on the 3rd and 4th of July.

I’m amazed by the huge reaction to MASH posts. You all realize that until they moved the show to Mondays it was getting its ass kicked by THREE’S COMPANY?

GOODBYE RADAR was supposed to be the finale of season seven. When the network talked Gary Burghoff into postponing his exit until November sweeps (it was a very short conversation, they just wrote a dollar figure on a piece of paper and handed it to him.) we decided to make it more of an event, thus the two parter. (CBS was lobbying for a twelve parter.)

Our goal was to make his actual departure as emotional as possible while still avoiding a long maudlin scene. Hence the casualties. Each character said goodbye in one sentence. I’m a big fan of tiny moments. Radar leaving his teddy bear to Hawkeye said more than any speech we could have ever written. (And you know how long it takes us to write those damn big speeches.)

The name we gave his girlfriend was Patty Haven, a former girlfriend of mine who left me to run a kennel in Fresno.

90% of the time two parters should really be part-and-a-halfs.

I think the rapid fire pace of the dialogue and story telling on MASH was much better suited for a half hour than an hour.

Saw myself on MY FIRST TIME on TVLand. What was I thinking wearing that purple shirt? I looked like a telletubby.

For the MARY show we hired newcomer Katey Segal over Kathy Bates.

Most of the real dish on Mary Tyler Moore I have I will save for my book. I will then have to spend the next few years hiding like Salmon Rushdie while Mary tries to hunt me down.

Suffice it to say I can’t watch ORDINARY PEOPLE without having Viet Nam flashbacks.

We did make reference to her in a SIMPSONS we wrote. Patty or Selma decided to wear Mary’s classic hairstyle. The town drunk approaches and asks, “Are you Mary Tyler Moore?” She sprays him with mace and he says, “You ARE. You are Mary Tyler Moore!”

Some guys live right. Minnesota Twins’ catcher Joe Mauer is batting an incredible .456 in June and goes home to former Miss USA, Chelea Cooley. Why opposing pitchers aren’t throwing at his head every at bat is beyond me.

The Twins are one of the most exciting teams in baseball. Too bad they play in that giant jello mold.

Caught the Ringo Starr All-Star band concert last weekend. Ringo was charming and it was “far out” hearing those Beatles songs sung by “the actual guy” but he wasn’t the best musician on stage. In fact, he wasn’t even the best drummer on stage. Sheila E. was absolutely phenomenal!! Meanwhile, Edgar Winters looks the same as he did 25 years ago – middle aged and paunchy. The only instrument he didn’t play was the zither.

The only National League team that can beat the American League is the Colorado Rockies. What this means is that the National League should just trade places with the Pacific Coast League.

I was not involved with the final MASH episode. The story was broken into half hour increments and divided up between the writers, who would then each write their segment with Alan Alda.

Booting Star Jones Reynolds off THE VIEW was a good start. Now get rid of the rest of those hens.

It’s hard to not get swept up in World Cup fever when there are all those heart pounding, spine tingling 0-0 games.

When Germany plays Iran, who do you root for?

Check back tomorrow for one of my favorite MASH anecdotes.

M*A*S*H Misc.

By popular demand, more MASH stuff. (I never get this kind of reaction to my Palm Springs travelogues.) Here are some random questions and thoughts:

How did we get the medical jargon? We had a consultant on staff, Dr. Walter Dishell. When writing the script, David and I would just slug in medical nonsense.

HAWKEYE: I think his freebazzber is ruptured.

BJ: You might have to gumenford him and eeknonoogle his interior norgalflagle.

HAWKEYE: Nurse, zignuts. Stat!

Walt would send the script back replacing the zignuts. Eventually we became more proficient in operating procedures and by the end of our tenure we were taking a crack at the jargon ourselves, just calling him and running the scene by him. One of our proudest moments on the show was once writing an OR scene that required no changes. Of course the patient did die.

If you’re writing a spec script like a HOUSE that requires medical-speak, consult a doctor to get it right.

When breaking stories, we would often call Walt and say something like, “Here’s what we need -- a patient that comes in with a bad fever. He becomes delusional that night. The next day he’s better. But that night he dies.” An hour later Walt would call back with Hemorrhagic Fever or some other exotic disease.

At MASH we also had a nurse on stage who served as our technical advisor. That is why you never saw Hawkeye operate with a band saw.

A few people commented on the number of inconsistencies in the show. Yes, a show bible might have been nice. To me there were two BIG inconsistencies: Harry Morgan initially appeared as an insane general (maybe the funniest MASH episode EVER – “The General Flipped at Dawn”) and then later as Colonel Potter. And the other – we’re supposed to believe that eleven years of stories, main characters coming and going, actors aging over a decade, etc. all took place in less than two years.

The theme song, taken from the movie, “Suicide is Painless” was never sung on the series.

The show was shot at Twentieth Century Fox on Stage 9, and on location in Malibu canyon. A later brush fire destroyed most of the exterior sets. The sets from the stage are in the Smithsonian in Washington. I didn’t steal any of the props. I’m an idiot.

It took four days to shoot an episode. One day to read and rehearse, and three to film. One of the three shooting days would be out on location. But only until the end of Daylight Savings Time. After that the days were too short. The final six or seven episodes were always filmed exclusively on the stage, even the exterior scenes.

For my money the best episodes were written by Larry Gelbart and the team of Everett Greenbaum & Jim Frizzell.

I was there for the creation of Charles Emerson Winchester. The idea was to replace Frank Burns with a character that was very much his opposite. We all wanted Charles to be smarter and more gifted as a surgeon than Hawkeye or B.J. and, as opposed to Frank, a worthy adversary.

There were no auditions for the part of part. Producer Burt Metcalfe had seen David Ogden Stiers guesting on an episode of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and thought he’d be perfect. It was only after David was hired that we learned he could do that slight Boston accent.

I named several women characters after old girlfriends. They still hated me.

In the 7th season, for patient names we used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodger roster. In the 6th season there was an episode with four Marine patients. They were the California Angels infield.

MASH tribute sites have trivia contests. I often can’t answer questions from episodes I wrote.

Hawkeye's speech

First off – a programming note: I will be making a rare on-camera appearance Wednesday night at 10 PM on TVLand. The program is called MY FIRST TIME (and no, it's not what you think). TV stars talk about their big break. My partner and I gave Katy Segal her first job on the Mary Tyler Moore comeback disaster we did called MARY. (A show that could be the subject matter for a series called MY WORST TIME.)

Since it appears my entire body of work is destined for TVLAND (if not there already), it is only appropriate that that's where I show up. I taped my segment over a year ago so God knows what I said or how I look. I hope I don’t regret alerting people to this.

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Here’s the speech from our first MASH, “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” that took us a week and at least fifty drafts. But launched our career.

Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic. Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:

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B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.

HAWKEYE
No you don’t.

B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.

HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.

B.J.
How?

HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.

Our first MASH

Last week’s MASH posts sparked a lot of questions about the show. I’m always amazed there’s still such interest in a thirty year old show but I couldn’t be happier. So keep those cards and letters coming in.

A number of people wanted to know how David Isaacs and I got our first MASH assignment. We had sold a JEFFERSONS and a couple of episodes of another series, JOE AND SONS, cancelled one nanosecond after we turned in our second script. (Surprisingly, there are no JOE AND SONS tribute websites.) Our agents moved up to the agency that also represented MASH executive producer, Gene Reynolds. He read and liked our JEFFERSONS and invited us to come in and meet. My partner and I had met in the Army Reserves so we were very comfortable writing a military show. This was season five, Larry Gelbart, had just left, and Gene was looking for new writers. Forget for a moment that the two of us together couldn’t carry Larry Gelbart’s pencil sharpener, we jumped at the chance.

We had a good meeting, were loaded down with research material, and told to come back when we had some stories to pitch. I asked how many stories? At the JEFFERSONS writers were allowed to pitch only three. Gene said as many as we had.

A week later we were back in his office with FIFTY stories. There was no way we were going to walk out of there without a sale. Needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed. By idea number fifteen he put two of them together and gave us the assignment.

We were over the moon. (Quick aside, a little over a year later we became head writers of MASH and wound up using most of those fifty stories.)

The two stories for that initial assignment were:

A gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind.

And Frank bets on baseball games aired by Armed Forces Radio live in the middle of the night then rebroadcast during the day. Thus he bets knowing the outcome. (This came from a true story I heard about from the Far East Network in Viet Nam.) Our spin was that Hawkeye discovers this and he, B.J., Radar, and Klinger do a recreation of a game to fool him.

The episode was called OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. Our draft was very well received and proved to be the turning point of our career.

It took us two weeks to complete -- one week to write just one speech. But that speech was key to the episode.

Tomorrow – that speech.

IMPORTANT!! Must read!!!

FINALLY!!! An election that is IMPORTANT and has real significance. The Mascot Hall of Fame is looking for its next inductee.

Yes, there is such a thing as the Mascot Hall of Fame. I don’t know where it is. Probably in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere. As the creator of the Capitol City Goofball on the SIMPSONS I’m frankly a little hurt he is not among those luminaries already enshrined. A write-in vote or sixty thousand from you would be welcomed. The website is www.mascothalloffame.com. And for that matter, Dancin’ Homer deserves some consideration…although, honestly, I think he’s still a year or two away. His ants-in-the-pants dance lacks, well…nuance and elegance.

The three ‘cots already in the Hall are the San Diego Chicken (the Babe Ruth of bulbous belly laughs), the Phillie Phanatic (the perfect blend of pratfalls and Noel Coward), and the Phoenix Gorilla (who thankfully gets more airtime on NBA telecasts than Dyan Cannon).

Among the candidates for this year’s elite class – the Mariner Moose. His claim to fame was breaking his ankle while crashing into the outfield wall while rollerblading behind an ATV during the 1995 ALCS. And now it’s his most requested routine.

Then there’s Clutch the Bear from the Houston Rockets. He is so beloved that fans have stopped spitting on him.

The Cleveland Indian’s Slider is also on the ballet. The ‘95 ALCS was apparently a tough one on mascots. In addition to the Mariner Moose’s crash-with-greatness, Slider fell from the right field wall and had to leave the game with a serious knee injury. The man KNOWS funny. People still talk about it in Cleveland. (Of course, what else is there to talk about in Cleveland?)

And don’t forget KC Wolf from the KC Chiefs. Nicknamed the “Grand Daddy” of NFL mascots (because he had a kid with one of the Dallas Cheerleaders). Imitates Elvis. His 85 inch hips help.

Still, with all due respect to these costumed Chaplins, I still say not one of them is in the same league as the Capitol City Goofball. He INVENTED belly sliding. He can perform seven DIFFERENT dances to “Love Shack”. Kids are entranced when he picks up a live ball and runs around the outfield while livid fielders and security guards chase him.

Vote what’s in your heart of course, but do consider the Capitol City Goofball. And please don’t confuse the Mascot Hall of Fame with American Idol. Many people did and that’s why Taylor Hicks won.

Hollywood Stars night

Yesterday was the big annual Hollywood Stars Night at Dodger Stadium. This is a tradition that dates back to the late 50’s when the Dodgers had just arrived from Brooklyn and were playing in the cavernous Coliseum that seated 100,000 people. Back then, for the price of admission (which was probably $3.00 for the best seat in the house), prior to the Dodger game you could see an exhibition contest that featured Cary Grant, Jack Lemon, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Jerry Lewis, Walter Matthau, Jackie Gleason (not much range in right field), Danny Kaye, Nat King Cole, and then there was the second tier that only starred in major television hits. (Oh, and Billy Barty)

I remember going one year and Dean Martin was announced as the hitter. A limo pulled onto the field and drove up to home plate. Dino got out, dug in at the plate, called time, and signaled the car. A scantily clad cocktail waitress emerged with a martini on a silver tray. She brought it up to the plate, Dean took a sip, thanked her, and took his swings. Forget the bases, the batter was loaded!

The event was the brainchild of then Dodger marketing wizard, Danny Goodman. Vin Scully told me that when Danny proposed this idea to club owner, Walter O. Malley, Walter said, “Yeah, but will you be able to get stars?” Danny replied, “Are you kidding? I’ll get you stars you’ve never heard of!”

Among this years Hollywood “Stars” – Mia Hamm, James Van Der Beek, Michael Clark Duncan, and Corbin Berson.

My process

From reader Beth C: “If you have time or are so inclined, could you delve a bit into your process? How long does it take you to write a script? What IS your process? That sort of thing.

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I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”

Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.

It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.

We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.

Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.

And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.

We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.

Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.

There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”

But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.

A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced.

ADDED THOUGHT:

Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.

You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.

Hot links

I thought for today I’d recommend some of the other blogs and sites on my links list. I’d hyperlink them right in the text but that would require that I’m not a computer retard so you’ll have to click the links on the side. I recommend all of them and if I had the time would include a blurb about each but since I must spend an hour on the phone trying to straighten out a Verizon bill from 1998 I can only offer a sample. So these are a few of the sites I visit and think you’ll enjoy too.

SHOULD’VE ASKED ME -- Michael Markowitz is one the funniest comedy writers on the planet. His site is filled with hilarious observations, Ann Coulter hate, and the latest tech toys.

JANE ESPENSON – A former BUFFY writer who generously offers great advice to writers and reports daily on what she had for lunch.

DIRTY WATAH – My son’s Red Sox blog. Well written, very funny, and a wonderful substitute for therapy for him. If you despise the Yankees more than the Taliban this is the site for you.

A WRITER’S LIFE – Hour writer and mystery author Lee Goldberg offers sage advice to writers and somehow seems to know everything that is going on in the blogosphere. One stop cyber shopping.

POP BYTES -- The holy grail of pop culture. Blogmaster MK knows when Jennifer Aniston is going to use the can even before she does.

JOHN AUGUST – Screenwriter supreme – Tim Burton’s go-to guy. Read him everyday and learn more than NYU and USC writing students.

HOFFMANIA – Who says Democrats aren’t funny? And prolific. Howard Hoffman posts five times a day. Worth checking out…every couple of hours.

KUNG FU MONKEY – John Rogers is the grand poobah of screenwriting blogs. His site is eclectic, unpredictable, challenging at times, and always fun.

LLOYD THAXTON – Return to the 60’s with Lloyd Thaxton, a TV dance show host who was as much Ernie Kovacs as Dick Clark. He brings the same spirit and inventiveness to his reminiscences as he did to his show.

PEOPLE WE LOVE TO HATE – Hilarious often inspired captions to celebrity photos. It’s the bitchy best!

MR. POP HISTORY -- The ultimate research source for the 50’s - 80’s. Week by week. Perfect for reliving every single moment of your life. Pack a sandwich.

L.A. RADIO PEOPLE -- Don Barrett’s comprehensive look at Los Angeles radio, past and present. And you don’t have to be from LA to enjoy (although it helps). For radio geeks like me, this site is a daily must.

GREAT BIG RADIO – What the “Jack” format should be. A streaming variety of tasty music from the 60’s to today. “The Greatest hits and near misses of all-time.”

TABLOID WHORE – Very funny celebrity gossip that may even be accurate.

THE SEXY HUMORIST – Lives up to her title.

COMPLICATIONS ENSUE – Alex Epstein dispenses great advice to writers and offers many thought provoking discussions on the craft. This guy cares.

BOB SASSONE – The webmeister of TV SQUAD has his own blog. After informing the world of the new BAYWATCH DVD or who’s guesting on THE VIEW he still has time to offer his own thoughts, keen observations, and love letters to Amy Sedaris.

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Happy surfing. And when you visit any of those sites, tell ‘em Kenny sent ya, will ya?

Potter's P*O*V

Here’s the Potter scene from POV. But the reason this scene was so special was not the words but the superb performance by Harry Morgan.

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INT. POST OP – NIGHT

Rich is LYING in bed writing a letter to his parents. He writes the date then “Dear Mom and Dad.” Potter steps INTO view and sits down next to Rich.

POTTER
Howdy, Texas. (re letter) Be sure to remind them to clean up your room. You’re going home soon…Now that you’ve got that pad, we can finally have a talk. Which part of the Lone Star you hail from?

Rich scribbles “San Antonio” then hands the pad to Potter.

POTTER
(handing the pad back) You don’t say. Took my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Good ‘ole San Antone. A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.

Nurse Baker walks up.

NURSE BAKER
Uh, Colonel you forgot to sign this chart.

POTTER
I didn’t forget. I’ll sign it on the way out. Now shoo!

Rich quickly scribbles “you okay?” on the pad and hands it to Potter, who reads it, then looks at Rich.

POTTER
I guess it shows, huh?

Rich SHAKES his head yes.

POTTER
It’s Mildred, my wife back home. Lovely gal. We’ve been married thirty-five years as of last Saturday. Every anniversary, no matter where I am, I manage to call her. Tell her how much I…well, you know. This year…This year I clean forgot. My thoughts are so filled with this damn war that I forgot her on our most important day. I just can’t forgive myself for missing it.

Rich scribbles “call her” on the pad, hands it to Potter, who reads.

POTTER
I’d like to, son. Even picked up the phone about twenty times. But there’s just no excuse my forgetting. I don’t know what to say to her.

Potter is a little misty-eyed. Hawkeye ENTERS and approaches Rich’s bed.

HAWKEYE
Evening, boys.

Potter gets up and moves by Hawkeye.

POTTER
Excuse me, Pierce.

HAWKEYE
(calling after him) Colonel?

Potter ignores him and EXITS. As Hawkeye walks away, Rich rattles the pad to get his attention. Hawkeye turns to him. Rich beckons him over.

HAWKEYE
What? What is it?

Rich scribbles “Forgot his anniversary,” and hands it to Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE
Oh, so that’s what’s been getting under Dr. Jekyll’s hide.

Charles ENTERS holding a book.

CHARLES
All right, Pierce, admit it. You broke into my footlocker and read through my personal diary, didn’t you, Swine?

HAWKEYE
Charles, in all the times I’ve broken into your footlocker, I never looked at your diary.

CHARLES
Then who drew these faces in the margins?

HAWKEYE
It’s dry reading. You need illustrations.