By Ken Levine

The CHEERS Bar Wars

I get a lot of questions about the “Bar Wars” episodes of CHEERS that my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. So here are the FAQ’s.

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Did we purposely plan for the Cheers gang to lose every time?

Yes. Except for the last one. Frustration is much funnier than victory. The trick however, was to find different ways for them to lose – or screw themselves. Guess I grew up watching too many Road Runner cartoons.

What about the last Bar Wars in the final season?

Ultimately, we decided to not only let Cheers win but to demolish Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern once and for all. We’re nothing if not vengeful. Trivia note: That is the only episode of CHEERS that I appear in. I’m sitting at the bar in an early scene.

Who played Gary?

The answer is: which time? We had two actors who played Gary, in no particular order. The first time the character appeared, Joe Polis played him in a 1985 episode called “From Beer to Eternity”. When we wrote the first Bar Wars episode Joe wasn’t available. It was the very end of the season. We had no other scripts so we just had to recast. Robert Desiderio became Gary. For Bar Wars II we went back to Joe Polis and used him one other time. Otherwise, it was Robert Desiderio. Confusing? I don’t understand why we did it either. Hopefully this mystery will be tackled in the sequel to the DA VINCI CODE.

What is your favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars V. My partner came up with this idea. Sam’s prank kills Gary. Or at least that’s what Sam thinks. If you can’t get laughs with a man digging up a grave you’re not a comedy writer.

What is your least favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars VI. The gang thinks a wise guy buys Gary’s bar so a prank unleashes the Mafia after them. We were reaching. And sometimes too clever for our own good. In Bar Wars II, there’s a Bloody Mary contest. We had a number of twists and turns, and after turning in the script, the staff added a few more. By the end I think there were maybe six too many. It was the BIG SLEEP of Bar Wars episodes – no one alive can tell you exactly what happened.

Was it hard to plot these episodes?

Yes. Very. These episodes were a bitch to conceive and then hard to write because there was always so much story. By nature, exposition and set ups are not inherently funny and entertaining. We had to pull a lot of jokes out of nowhere.

What was your favorite gag?

Filling Rebecca’s office with sheep. That’s the power of being a writer. You come up with a goofy idea. And voila, there are fifty sheep being herded onto the set. I’m sure the guy who came up with snakes on the plane had the same heady feeling.

There are some Bar Wars type episodes not called Bar Wars. How come?

Those were episodes not originally designed to be bar wars but evolved into them. Or they were competitions not practical joke wars, per se. In other words, I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out BAR WARS II.

And finally, are you that diabolical?

Let’s just say I hope you’re not allergic to sheep.

Jokes on a plane

And yet another big flap over nothing – all the irate complaints to NBC over Conan’s LOST parody sketch that opened the Emmy egofest Sunday night. A commuter plane tragically crashed earlier in the day in Kentucky. Yes, the timing was unfortunate but there was certainly no malice on the part of the network or irresponsibility. And my guess is that those affected were not watching the Emmys (despite the promise of a Barry Manilow musical number).

People have to accept that sometimes these things just happen.

When I was on CHEERS we made a point never to make a name reference of someone who might be, well…in their “declining” years. We just knew that if we made a Rose Kennedy joke the night it aired there would be an interruption with word that she had just died. (And then of course there would be the Jewish guilt – surely the timing of our joke is what killed her.)

Also on CHEERS we had a big food fight in a Thanksgiving episode. Just as the show aired a big campaign to stamp out world hunger premiered. Ooooh, did we get shit. Of course, that episode has now rerun a gazillion times and there’s never a complaint.

And it’s worse when something is broadcast live. Every broadcaster has at least two anecdotes of unfortunate circumstances that led to embarrassing bloopers. One of my favorites is what happened recently during a San Francisco Giants radio broadcast.

The National Anthem is sponsored so they always tape it to play it back during their pre-game coverage. When their playback is done they just bring up the crowd mic. They were at Dodger Stadium one night, playing back the Star Spangled Banner while (unheard over the air) the PA announcer was giving the Giants’ starting line up. He got to Barry Bonds just as the anthem concluded. So the Giants’ radio audience heard this:

“And the land of the free, and the home of the brave.” BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Either you send complaints to 50,000 people or laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Other than maybe radio shock jocks, no one purposely tries to be insensitive. If you want to complain to NBC about the Emmys Sunday night complain that it was boring. And that they never showed a close up of Kim Raver in that hot yellow dress. Don’t those heartless bastards care about their public at all???

What I learned on my first musical

First off, happy birthday to my daughter, Annie. I love you and am glad you’re no longer a teenager. I can see I’m starting to get too mushy so I’ll stop. Have a great day. You’re the best!!

Now for today’s post:

WHAT I LEARNED ON MY FIRST MUSICAL

The director must encourage everyone to share ideas. He must then discard 80% of them, especially the ones from the prop guy who’s taken the liberty of writing new songs.

You need six weeks to rehearse a musical. But if you have six weeks, you’ll need eight.

If the choreographer had her way, seven of the eight hours of rehearsal everyday would be devoted to the dance numbers. If the music director had his way, those same seven hours would be devoted to teaching and practicing the music. If the book writer had his way, scene work would fill the day. And if the director had his way it would be a one woman show with Bernadette Peters who could do it all in five hours.

One change, no matter how small, is like pulling a string in Penelope’s Tapestry. If effects everything. If the music director adds a bar in a song, the choreographer will want to reblock the entire dance number. If the book writer changes one line it effects the underscoring, next cue, choreography, lighting, sound, background visuals, upcoming costume change, transition into the next scene, and future of the American musical theatre. So it better be a good new line.

If there’s a fight scene or even fight moment there has to be a daily fight rehearsal before a performance. For WEST SIDE STORY you can rehearse without the knives.

Wireless mics that stick out of cast members foreheads produce better sound and are not noticeable and distracting beyond the fiftieth row.

The cast elects an Equity Deputy whose job it is to snitch behind the director’s back if an Equity rule is broken. Rules include looking at an actor with an expression that might hurt his feelings.

To learn even one dance number I would need to practice eight hours a day for six months at which time maybe I could do the whole thing without elbowing someone in the face. These kids get it down in six minutes.

You need a good drummer. A real good drummer.

See a night time performance rather than a matinee.

Actors need to yell out their dialogue. Not just speak loud, but YELL. Even if the line is “Pssst, let me tell you a secret.” Only Renee Taylor can talk in her regular speaking voice.

When your wife or girlfriend needs forty-five minutes to change her clothes, just know it can be done in as little as ten seconds.

Every performer comes from a dysfunctional family but thanks them profusely in their Playbill bio.

Most people pad their Playbill bios, listing every credit since they played a kitty in grammar school. So my favorite Playbill bio remains: Jerry Belson, who wrote the 1975 movie SMILE that got turned into a musical, submitted only this -- “SMILE fulfills a lifetime dream for Mr. Belson, to get paid twice for the same script.”

During performances there are nine people walking around with headsets. No one knows who they are or what they’re doing.

A good running time, including a fifteen minute intermission is 2:20.

The song you loved the most before going into rehearsal is the song you need to cut.

No two people have the same script. Everyone is on stage working off different drafts.

The Teamsters are pansies compared to the Equity Union.

Actors will tell you: it’s hard to be sung to. And offstage it’s even harder.

When you’re in the orchestra section, don’t think the cast can’t see you. If you’re going to be Pee Wee Herman you’re going to have an audience.

It’s always better to say it in a song rather than dialogue. But those few lines of dialogue can galvanize the entire story.

Since there is limited rehearsal time once a show opens, it can take up to a week to put in some changes. You have to prioritize fixes, based on how needed they are and how long they will take to implement. What that means is you take notes every night and they’re always the same notes.

Casting decisions are still the most important. Everything else can be fixed. Except if you want to do C-SPAN: THE MUSICAL, that idea might kill it.

Actors are not allowed to talk to conductors. There’s a very strict chain of command. Book writers are not allowed to talk to anybody.

The guard at every stage door is named “Pops”.

When it works, a musical can be more than entertaining, it can be thrilling. There is an electricity, a magic that is so powerful it transcends whatever’s happening on stage. Yes, it’s a tall order and rarely achieved but that’s the goal. And if you don’t hang yourself in a hotel room in New Haven it can be quite exciting.

I miss Tawny Little

This is a re-post from nine months ago when the number of readers I had was sixteen on a good day. My guess is no one saw it. And since award show talk is still in the air I thought it was the perfect time to trot it out again. And for any new readers, it'll give you an idea of the kind of highbrow crap you're likely to find on this blog.

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For the past seven years I have reviewed the Oscars for my friends. Included is always a paragraph or two on the pre game, usually focused on local channel 5, KTLA. Here are some highlights:

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I miss Tawny Little. God help me, I do. (Tawny was the number one news anchor at local station KABC ). No one was as stupid hosting the pre Oscar show as Tawny (this hard hitting journalist and former Miss America), although Sam Rubin and his co-host, Mindy Burbano came pretty damn close. These were my favorites: Mindy (to Michael Caine): "Hey, your accent is back!" Sam: "There's the back of Tom Cruise's head!" Mindy to Samuel L. Jackson's wife after noticing that Samuel was wearing a purple tux: "Yes, purple is back, but do you really think it's ever gone away?" And finally, Mindy to 80 year old best actor nominee, Robert Fansworth: "Very nice cane!"

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Best part of the show is before the show -- the red carpet celebrity arrivals. Once again Channel 5 featured Hollywood footstool jester Sam Rubin and dim bulb sidekick Mindy Burbano. Sam to composer Hans Zimmer: "You've been nominated LITERALLY 4,000 times." Mindy to Anthony Hopkins (nominated for SILENCE OF THE LAMBS): "Gee, you're not chilling in person."

Mindy to Lena Olin: "Did you have to eat a lot of chocolate while making CHOCOLAT?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "So are you tired of chocolate now?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "That's sooo sad."

Sam said there were more stars there than are in the heavens (never heard THAT one before) and proved it by interviewing Coco Lee, Nancy O'Dell, and Mary Hart.

Hard to believe every star didn't stop by. After all, they were giving away Altoid tins. Class-eeee.

The ABC pre-show wasn't much better. Host Julie Moran (not exactly Edward R. Murrow in a wig) asked Chow Yung Fat: "How hard was it to learn to fly?"

I don't bother to watch even a second of Joan Rivers and her equally obnoxious and otherwise unemployable daughter, Melissa. I venture to say they reinforce more anti-semitism than the Chabad Telethon.

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Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"

Sam made a searing observation: "Maybe the calmer people arrive earlier." You're the George Will of Puff, Sam.

His "ditz de jour" Emily kept hitting the celebrities in the nose with her microphone. I guess they don't teach that in beautician's school.

Sam had some incisive celebrity questions himself. To performer Alison Kraus: "Did you rehearse your song?" To Owen Wilson: "Next year is STARSKY & HUTCH going to win a lot of awards?"

In order to lure the celebs to Hooter and Tooter KTLA was again offering packets of M&M's. Sam Rubin's big question to Robin Williams: "Do you like the plain, peanut, or mints better?" Sam majored in journalism at Crossroads.

Channel 5 did not employ a 5 second delay as was evident when Robin Williams said "shit" on the air. In truth, it was the only moment of the show that wasn't shit.

Sam to Will Ferrell's wife: "Do you think Marcia Gaye Hardin is stealing your thunder because she's also pregnant?"

Marcia Gaye Hardin is eight months along with twins and looks huge. So why wear a bright blue dayglow dress? She looked like the Pacific Design Center.

Staying on the "baby" theme, Sam wondered what Holly Hunter would do if she won her second Oscar. "I'll put them together in a dark room and see what happens" to which the lightening quick Sam responded: "Maybe you'll have a Golden Globe".

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Sam Rubin, 'Entertainment Groveling Jester to the Stars' for Channel 5, again co-hosted the Oscar arrival show. He said it was "particularly emotional going back to Hollywood." Oh yes, to now be only a block away from the Fredericks of Hollywood "Museum of Bras" and Popeye's chicken restores the event to the luster and dignity it deserves. Sam's co-host this year was Lynda Lopez, who we were told is Jennifer's sister. I guess following in the Joan & Melissa Rivers tradition, you need an untalented family member to co-host one of these shindigs. Bring back Mindy Burbano. At least she asked stupid questions. Ly-lo just stood with her back to the camera blocking every celebrity Sam fawned all over.

Okay, that's not fair. She did ask some stupid questions. To Robert Altman: "Does it get less exciting to go to the Academy Awards?" Or to Hugh Jackman: "Are we over run by Australians tonight?" To Will Smith she made the observation: "You're a little bit smaller than when I saw you last."

But for sheer idiocy it's hard to beat Sam. "And that's the exciting thing about today," Sam gushed, "Some people have been here before and some have never been here before." I wondered why today was exciting. To Sting he asked: "What's distinctive about singing to a BILLION people?" Helen Mirran was queried this by slathering Sam: "How did you make your role so vivid" to which she replied: "It's called acting, darling."

Suck-up Sam's best question of the night was directed towards the lovely Jennifer "I had any trace of humor or personality removed" Connelly. "I hear John and Alicia Nash are here. How are they feeling? And how are you feeling about the way they're feeling?"

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The pre-Oscar coverage is always amusing. Most inane (as always) was Hollywood fool/footstool/bootlicker Sam Rubin and his co-host this year, the brainless Toni Senecal (who I assume is Sam’s gushy sycophant counterpart in New York) on KTLA. Sam to Catalina Sandino Moreno: “Did you spend a lot of time getting ready?” Has he ever actually talked to a woman?? Toni then asked her: “It’s your first movie, you’re the first Columbian to ever be nominated – call me crazy – how do you feel?” Toni asked Sophie Okonedo what was the best gift she had received.

Nominees I never heard of or recognized were blowing them off. Maybe if they weren't trying to lure them with Tic Tacs.

The KTLA fashion expert said about Hilary Swank; “It’s a surprise to everyone. She looks fantastic.”

Sam to P. Diddy: “People watching at home, having an Oscar party, what can they learn from you?”

There should be a spam blocker on my TV to save me from ever seeing Joan and Melissa Rivers. This year they’ve been relegated to the TV Guide channel which answers the question “what could possibly be less entertaining than a 24 hour program guide crawl?”

The 2006 Emmy Awards

It’s hard to take the Emmys seriously when the best drama (LOST), best dramatic actor (Hugh Laurie), and best dramatic actress (Edie Falco) weren’t even nominated. It’s like the ’84 Olympics when the Eastern Bloc countries and allies pulled out and the US was the big winner over Mauritania, Qatar, and Seychelles.

This year the ceremony was held at the cavernous Shrine Auditorium. Capacity: everyone who ever watched HUFF.

Conan O’Brien is a lot funnier at 1:00 in the morning. In other words, the end of the Emmys not the start.

A MUSIC MAN parody? Even the Hasty Pudding Show at Harvard would not have let Conan do that.

There is no room where Bob Newhart is not the funniest man in it. He doesn’t even have to speak. I am in continual awe.

How could Ellen Burstyn lose? Sure, her total screen time was 14 seconds but 12 of them were BRILLIANT.

Jennifer Love Hewitt saved some money and wrapped herself in tin foil.

Great questions on E!’s red carpet show. Isiah Washington was asked his porn name. Ryan Seacrest asked Steven Colbert if Jon Stewart was a prick? Class-eeee. He then asked Hugh Laurie: “Do you find that you’re less clever with the American accent?” Bring back Sam Rubin and Mindy Barbano! At least they gave out Altoids.

First Emmy article in the LA TIMES Sunday CALENDAR section: Page six. Page one story: “Gidget gone global”.

What does it say about the Television Academy’s stature when the seat fillers now ARE the nominees?

Sandra Oh was wearing Conan the Barbarian’s jewelry.

What was Warren Beatty doing there? Did he think he was getting a lifetime award for his work on DOBIE GILLIS?

Evangeline Lily looks spectacular even when she’s not soaking wet and trapped in a net.

So much for Steve Carell being the mortal lock of the Emmys. Kevin James must’ve been the Ralph Nader who split the votes.

Note to Candice Bergman: “the Little Mermaid” is not a good look for you.

I only voted for Blythe Danner because the last time she won she bashed Bush. This time she thanked the cast of HUFF. She might as well have thanked the waitresses at Bob’s Big Boy. No one knew who the hell she was talking about.

The fact that Jack Bauer has saved the world fifteen times over the least we could do is give him a goddamn Emmy.

Lovely tribute to Dick Clark. Only topped by his touching courageous speech.

Had to replay several times Barry Manilow’s final comment to Mr. Clark. He said, “all right, Dick” not “I love Dick” as I first suspected (and hoped).

Jeremy Piven came dressed for nomination only.

The Aaron Spelling tribute reminded me of my one encounter with him. My partner, David and I helped punch up a pilot. He called that night, praised us to the heavens, said he wanted to make a big development deal with us and send a limo to get us every day. The next morning when we saw him we said hello and he said, “Do I know you?”

It would have been nice if one of Aaron’s family members accepted for him instead of CHARLIE’S FACE LIFTS.

Kate Jackson’s skin is now so tight you could bounce a quarter off her face.

How LA is this? A winner at last week’s non-televised-so-who-cares ceremony brought his Emmy to the gym yesterday. The other Emmy winners who now can’t get jobs weren’t impressed.

Cheryl Hines looked like she backed into a chandelier and took some of it with her.

Cloris Leachman won again. I guess SPLANGLISH wasn’t a career-ender for everyone.

Why do they still give an award for best main title design when no shows are allowed to have main titles anymore?

Allison Janney came as the world’s tallest flapper.

How could Gregory Itzen possibly lose??? Jesus Christ. I wonder how many confused Academy members voted for Alan Alda because they thought he was really running for President?

This isn’t the first time Alan Alda beat out a more deserving nominee. But I’ve gotten over it.

Barry Manilow won over Hugh Jackman? I guess word got out that Hugh Jackman was straight.

Best line of the night: Steve Colbert, “I lost to Barry Manilow?!”

Accepting the award for Jon Cessar – Joe Montagne. No wait, that WAS Jon Cessar.

Kathryn Hiegel would be gorgeous even without the Macy’s Day Parade balloons.

There was a tie for best Children’s Program: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and I HAVE TOURETTE’S. How do you choose? It’s the same show.

The best actor in THE COMEBACK was not Lisa Kudrow. It was James Burrows.

I’m sure ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT will get nominated again next year even though it’s been cancelled. Critics will just assume it would have been one of their better seasons.

So James Gandolfini didn’t turn in a nomination worthy performance on THE SOPRANOS but Chris Meloni of LAW & ORDER: SVU did? Who will ever forget Chris’ big moment when he said, “we’ve got to get that sicko off the streets!”?

Why was Charlie Sheen up for Best Actor and Jon Cryer up for Best Supporting Actor? In TWO AND A HALF MEN, is Jon the half?

Jeremy Irons (ELIZABETH 1) won for playing a fop. What a stretch for him.

Helen Mirren thanked writers. She’s my favorite actress in all the world.

Was that Calista Flockhart or House’s cane?

There’s a category called “Makeup for a series (non-prosthetic)” which in fact means, “Makeup for every show other than DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES”.

Glad “Best music for a series” didn’t go to PRISON BREAK since for a big mood scene they used the HOUSE theme. Maybe SOMEONE at Fox could have flagged that? How do they expect us to watch that network when they don’t even watch it themselves?

Ben Stiller lost to Leslie Jordan. That should keep him from appearing in another television show until 2017.

I’m happy THE OFFICE won. It’s not as good as the British version but sure better than anything America has to offer.

And if LOST and the SOPRANOS and HOUSE didn’t win for Best Drama, I’m glad 24 did. I can’t wait till next year when Jack Bauer has to plug up the Ozone Layer.

And finally, there was a show called HOW WILLIAM SHATNER CHANGED THE WORLD on the History Channel that was nominated for best writing of all things. That’s it. It’s now officially time to retire the Emmys.

BECKER

As I prepare to watch and review the Emmys and scan through the sad list of nominees I’m reminded of a show that never got its due and should have been in Emmy contention every year – BECKER.

Okay, disclaimer: I worked on the show but that’s not the point. I also worked on CONRAD BLOOM and ASK HARRIET.

BECKER spent years on CBS never getting any attention. All it got were ratings. No matter where they put it. Still, somehow, no one ever knew the show existed. Now it’s in syndication, airing at 2 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon and people are discovering it as if it were brand new. (What does that say about CBS marketing?)

Ted Danson was flat out wonderful in the part. He was HOUSE without the limp. His supporting cast, notably Shawnee Smith and (in later seasons) Nancy Travis were every bit as Emmy worthy as Jackee.

Behind the scenes, the writers hailed from CHEERS, WINGS, FRASIER, MURPHY BROWN, and DUCKMAN. They later went on to the SOPRANOS, FRIENDS, BERNIE MAC, and such feature films as FAILURE TO LAUNCH. Andy Ackerman, who directed most of the episodes, directed most of the SEINFELD episodes as well.

What did the show have to do to gain some recognition?

If you haven’t gotten into BECKER, give it a shot. It’s probably on KDOC Channel 56 in Orange County or your local equivalent right now. Watch a few episodes. You might be surprised. BECKER is a smart, funny show. The best new comedy of the year may be seven years old.

Musings....

A few random thoughts:

I will be filing my review of the Emmys late Sunday night. My opinions will not be influenced by the fact that I’m not nominated again this year.

It must be Oscar season. The two big theatres in Westwood that are across the street from each other are showing BEERFEST and SNAKES ON A PLANE.

Welcome to network television, Tina Fey. You had to fire your best friend and replace her with the more attractive but way less funny Jane Krakowski.

And does it bother you, Tina, that NBC is promoting the snot out of the Aaron Sorkin show (which is essentially your exact same premise) and hardly anything for yours?

If MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 took in $200,000,000 do you think Tom Cruise’s erratic behavior would have still been unacceptable to Paramount?

American Airline’s slogan should be “We apologize for the inconvenience.” I wouldn’t mind so much if their agents even PRETENDED to give a shit.

I’m glad PRISON BREAK is back. But why don’t they just retitle it THE FUGITIVES?

David Letterman is still funny.

The new gay cable network is rerunning IT’S ALL RELATIVE. There’s $3,25 in residuals I never thought I’d see.

I hope the theme for this year’s EMMYS is not the great talking animal shows.

Connecticut

Back from five weeks in East Haddam, Ct. and nearby Chester, Ct. where the musical I’ve co-written, THE 60’s PROJECT is in production. My eternal gratitude to Michael Price and the super folks at the Goodspeed Theatre for their hospitality. support, and bug balm. I’ve never worked with a classier, more professional bunch.

If you love Americana (which I do more than just about anything other than money), the “Nutmeg State” is for you. And Sourtheastern Connecticut was particularly beautiful and affectionately goofy.

Stayed at a lovely apartment. Very tastefully furnished. Naked drawings and statues throughout. Even the drinking glasses featured topless women. It’s like I was in my own house.

A local pet store sells reptiles and “critters”. And if you buy a cage they’ll give you two free “long haired dwarf mice.”

Roadside sign spotted: SCENIC ROUTE, NEXT 0.3 MILES.

A fork in the road -- one sign points to Camp Beth El, the other to Christian camps.

There are few Cajun places in the south as good as the New Orleans restaurant in Old Saybrook. Their noontime special is a FAT ASS LUNCH. I qualified.

“Casual” is another name for “fried” when it comes to funky fun seafood restaurants. Lenny & Joe’s is the best.

People could not be nicer.

Keep a can of OFF with you at all times.

If there’s a ten minute thunderstorm anywhere in Connecticut, power and cable goes off for the entire state. Usually for 24-30 hours. The state symbol should be a flashlight.

As green and lush and gorgeous as this place is in the summer I bet the fall is even better. With all the salt in the Connecticut River the red and gold colors of autumn must be extra striking and vivid.

If you go to Killingworth, take a drive down Roast Meat Hill Road. I’m not kidding. There’s really a Roast Meat Hill Road.

The Merchant House on US 154 sells Vera Bradley apparel (e.g. purses) and fireworks. Ideal for milady terrorist.

The local East Haddam liquor store closes at 8. And all day Sunday. Blue laws are still in effect. You don’t see a lot of Yale students here.

My 60’s PROJECT writing partner, Janet, got a manicure where the top coat was hoof veneer. Beware any beauty parlor where their celebrity clientele includes Secretariat.

Take I-84 to New York. The highway is smooth as glass. The second you cross into New York state you hit potholes.

Boy, they love Nathan Hale. One good quote (“I regret that I have but one life to give for my country”) and the guy is a God. Attractions include his house, his school house, his barbershop, the Dairy Queen where he used to make Blizzards.

Connecticut is also the birthplace of Anika Noni Rose who will become a big star after DREAMGIRLS is released.

The Tylerville convenience store sells worms in the freezer section between Ben & Jerry ice cream and tater tots. There’s something terribly wrong when worms are more expensive than long haired dwarf mice.

Towns have colorful names like Moodus and Old Lyme (the actual home of Lyme Disease).

I felt like I was in Twin Peaks. And come to think of it, after the first week, I never saw Laura Palmer. Hmmmm?

At the local Bank of America drive-thru ATM I waited in line behind a motorcycle gang. Guess they needed some extra cash for new chains.

Good morning! The menu at a Middletown diner leads off with “Breakfast Cocktails.” If you go out for pancakes, better have a designated driver.

Do not pass a market without stocking up on bug spray.

Most restaurants close on Monday nights. Every one that is open sells pizza.

Big tourist attraction in East Haddam is the Gillette castle. I can just picture their knights, all using swords with the patented four blades for a smoother, closer kill.

There is not yet a Starbucks in every small town. This might not be true by the time you read this.

Sign in Centerbrook: CALIMARI RECYCLING. From what TO what???

The ambience is very New England. By that I mean a Dunkin’ Donuts on every corner. And their coffee is FAR better than Starbucks.

All you see are people on motorcycles. What you never see are motorcycle helmets. They should rename one of the more treacherous streets Motorcycle Meat Hill Road.

If you bought a house here in 1792 you could sell it today for at least double what you paid for it.

There is better cellphone service in Antarctica than Southeastern Connecticut.

Had lunch at the Griswold Inn in Essex, which claims to be the oldest Inn in America – serving since 1776. There must be a hundred old Inns on the East Coast making that same claim. This one had the very first hand blower in their bathroom. But at the time it was just a guy who blew onto your hands.

If you’re hungry, haven’t eaten in four days and only have one dollar, spend it on mosquito netting.

Larry, Darryl, & Darryl are alive and work at every gas station in the state.

There are wonderful hiking trails. You can see nature at its finest and discover Laura Palmer’s body.

A lot of these small towns look like movie sets. If you like bed & breakfasts, Laura Ashley-like dress shops, tchochkes, and cemeteries this is your heaven.

Some big Indian casinos nearby. For you history buffs, Tony Orlando is appearing frequently.

Based on the number of sightings, I’m beginning to think Connecticut is an Indian word for road kill.

There is a Goodspeed airport in East Haddam. One Cessna, a red shack that says 42B on the roof (no running through long terminals trying to make connections.) and a burned out Quonset hut (the “Admirals Club”). It still takes two hours to get through security. Only airport employee is Grizzly Adams on a tractor demanding $5 landing fees.

In Deep River the ice cream parlor is next door to the tattoo parlor. Perfect for the motorcycle gang that has a sweet tooth.

Only passed through New Haven. Wanted to stop by that venerable jewel of the Ivy League, Yale and tell the students to stop trying to be comedy writers. Go into law or politics for Christsakes! You’re at Yale!

And never got to Hartford. Didn’t want to fight all the tourists stampeding to the Insurance Capital of the World.

But in five lovely weeks I’m sure I saw all the major attractions of the Nutmeg State…except, now that I think about it, nutmeg.

SEINFELD

A viewer wondered what I thought of SEINFELD. I would rate it one of the greatest series of all-time for the masturbation episode alone! (Plus, it fits into my belief of “write what you know”)

SEINFELD is one of the very few shows to truly have a VOICE. The show created its own world. It’s own logic. It set its own rules – primarily by shattering existing ones. Contrivances, conveniences, stories about nothing, characters never growing or learning, Jews – SEINFELD shattered all the taboos.

In today’s television landscape I don’t know what’s harder – coming up with an inspired vision or holding onto it. There is SO much interference these days, so many notes from so many people. Just remembering what your vision was takes a Herculean effort.

Quick aside: years ago my partner, David, and I were doing a pilot for Paramount. After the network runthrough we got the requisite blizzard of notes from the network and studio brass and suddenly the Paramount Facilities Manager weighs in with a bunch of lines and moments that “concerned” him. WTF?? I was pissed. I gently stopped him and said, “Excuse me, do I tell you which stage to assign?”

SEINFELD is exactly the kind of comedy networks say they want and should be airing but they’ve now created an interference infrastructure that makes it impossible to mount the next one.

Consider SEINFELD’s origin. In the late 80’s, Jerry Seinfeld was a frequent guest host of the TONIGHT SHOW. NBC thought he might make a good candidate to replace Johnny Carson after he had retired. They wanted to keep Jerry in the fold. To throw him a bone they let him have a situation comedy. The original order was for six. Jerry chose sitcom neophyte, Larry David to create and run it. The network didn’t really care. It was just an exercise anyway. (At first he was paired with sitcom vet, Fred Barron but that lasted maybe eleven seconds.)

They made the six episodes. The network hated them. The testing came back. Lowest EVER. The network buried the show. They waited a year to air them. But the response wasn’t horrible (among the very few people who even saw them, buried in a bad time slot), Carson was still hanging on, Jerry was getting antsy, so NBC ordered a few more.

And so it went for a few years. Positive buzz started building as people discovered this gem of a show and when the network moved it to Thursdays at 9:30 behind top rated CHEERS it really took off. And then of course, all these network executives who hated it, never understood it, and tried to kill it now took credit for it.

Hatching a successful sitcom is like winning the lottery. So many things have to fall in place, so many amazing people have to all be available to come together at the same time. What if Jason Alexander happened to be attached to another pilot? What if Larry David didn’t know Michael Richards from their days together on ABC’S FRIDAYS? What if Larry David were writing a movie and didn’t have time to create a TV show? Or if Carson wasn’t planning to retire? Or if NBC thought Johnny’s heir apparent should be Gallagher?

I marvel at SEINFELD. It’s hilarious, it’s inspired, it’s revolutionary, but most of all, it was given a rare opportunity (maybe one that will never come again) and it DELIEVERED. It truly was the “master of its own domain”.

Fall Movie Preview Part Three

Here’s the conclusion of my Fall Movie Preview. I know I’m leaving out THE GRUDGE 2 but that’s on purpose.

THE FLOCK – Richard Gere as an agent in charge of monitoring sex offenders. LAW & ORDER: SVU with a hammy over-praised movie star. At least he doesn’t dance.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3-D – If successful expect NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 2-3-D.

DREAMGIRLS – movie version of stage musical about a Supremes type singing group. AMERICAN IDOL should-have-been-winner, Jennifer Hudson plays Diana Ross type character. To research for the role Jennifer slept with Barry Gordy, Smokey Robinson, all of the Temptations, Miracles, and all the other Supremes’ boyfriends.

LASSIE – Peter O’Toole in the title role.

VENUS – Peter O’Toole in the title role.

PUSH CART MAN – Street vendor in New York City. How did this blockbuster not come out in the summer?

APOCALYPTO – Mel Gibson written & directed movie moved from summer release to now to coincide with his Jew hating comments. I won’t see this movie or ever speak again to anyone who does.

ERAGON – love story between a teenage boy and female dragon. I assume there are special effects. It’s SPLASH except she can light BBQ’s.

THE PAINTED VEIL – Naomi Watt’s trades in King Kong for another monster, Edward Norton.

ROCKY BALBOA – Guess they ran out of numerals.

PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS – Will Smith and real life son in bonding movie hopefully not about preparing for the national Spelling Bee.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM – Ben Stiller plays a security guard at the New York Natural History Museum. Co-stars Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs as dinosaurs that come to life when the museum closes.

THE NATIVITY STORY – No logline provided so I have no idea what it’s about.

MISS POTTER – Hoping to lure Harry Potter fans who don’t pay much attention. It’s the story of Peter Rabbit author, Beatrix Potter. Word is: great script and Oscar snatching performance by Rene Zellweger.

And finally, the picture we’ve all been waiting for…

FEAST – The Project Greenlight movie buried longer than King Tut. Monster movie set in a bar. Debut director John Gulager’s unintentional tribute to Ed Wood.

See ya at the movies! Or at least the mailbox swapping Netflix.