By Ken Levine

The CHEERS set

My favorite reader comment so far:

I've gotten familiar with Becker through the syndication. Not familiar with "Cheers".

Well, among those who are familiar with CHEERS I received a request to talk about the set.

We filmed CHEERS on Stage 25 at Paramount Studios in Hollywood (but the seedier section of Hollywood).

The set was designed by Richard Sylbert, an Academy Award winner whose credits include CHINATOWN, REDS, WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF, ROSEMARY’S BABY, THE GRADUATE, and (ironically) LILITH.

It was patterned after the Bull & Finch bar in Boston. But the B&F is much smaller, and the bar itself is up against the back wall. The décor, Tiffany lamps, and stained glass is true to the B&F.

Director James Burrows had a lot of input into the design which is why it was so easy to shoot in it. You could bring cameras way up into the set, get many different and interesting angles, and even get shots all the way down the hall.

If you look closely you’ll notice a line that runs down the center of the bar. It’s on a hinge and actually the right half can swing around, allowing room for the right wall to swing back revealing Sam’s office.

There are lights underneath the bar pointing up. It was hard in the first few episodes to see Ted Danson’s eyes.

Nick Colasanto always had a tough time memorizing the script. There were dozens of his lines hidden underneath the bar.

The bar was functional. The CHEERS set was the best ever for show parties.

Whenever an outside set is needed the pool room set is struck.

There is a fourth wall section that was used a couple of times in the first season.

The audience bleachers sat 200. They were raised so even the front row could see over the cameras. To one side was a platform where a small band would play between scenes.

The beer served on tap was warm 3.2 beer. Do not envy George Wendt having to drink that swill every week.

The set was huge. If we wanted to pack the bar we needed 500 people. For our routine customers we used 30-40 extras. Anything else and the bar looked empty.

The guy who had the hardest job on the series was the prop master. Imagine keeping track of all the glasses, drinks, bowls, trays, pretzels, 5.457.432 lemons that Ted cut up every episode, etc.

The phone on the bar would move from end to end depending upon where we needed it.

The Wurlitzer jukebox was not functional. The piano was.

The set was lit differently after the first couple of episodes. Brighter, more inviting. If you have the DVD of the first season, notice the difference between the pilot and episodes later in the year.

In an effort to save money during our first season (when we were getting killed in the ratings not only by SIMON & SIMON but by TUCKER’S WITCH for Godsakes) the studio requested we start shooting the show on tape. A test scene was taped and the set looked ghastly. So much for that brilliant experiment.

The photo over the bar that is supposed to be Sam is really Boston Cy Young winning pitcher Jim Lonborg.

The wooden Indian at the front door was named Techumsa.

When the series finally wrapped I walked over to the stage to watch them strike the set. It was so upsetting I left after maybe two minutes. Of all the shows I worked on, CHEERS was my favorite. And no, I didn’t steal anything from the set. And yes, I’m an idiot. I should have. At least Techumsa.

Weekend loose ends

Congratulations to my beloved Dodgers for getting into postseason play. My wife is a huge Mets fan and my partner is a huge Yankees fan. I should be single and writing solo by mid October.

Vin Scully is the best baseball announcer that will ever be. Modern day baseball has been around for about 108 years. Scully has been there for more than HALF of it. Just think of all the World Series, no-hitters, perfect games, and beach balls this man has seen.

Newspapers are claiming that SURVIVOR caved under pressure by ending their race tribe experiment on week three. Uh…the shows were filmed in early June.

In order to get the TV section in the LA TIMES every week you now have to call and request it. The Sunday paper weighs one ton, 500 pounds of ads (and not all cute model ads either. Tires, and Target and that shit). Is this a new policy to save paper? No wonder the Tribune company is going out of business, the TV section.

What do you think FOX dreads more? Their Brad Garrett numbers or a San Diego-Minnesota World Series?

I was a Padres broadcaster when they won the division in 1996. I handled the post game locker room interviews for local TV. Driving home, drenched head to toe in cheap champagne and wreaking, I thought, man if a cop pulls me over I am really screwed.

I was at ABC the day after Ted Danson’s show premiered. I asked a network exec about the numbers. He said they were great. Later I asked another network exec the same question and she shook her head. Not good. And from this are decisions made.

When JACKASS NUMBER TWO is the number one boxoffice hit you know we’re only eight minutes away from Armageddon.

I can’t wait for the LOST season premiere.

I can more than wait for the return of Tim McCarver. For those, like me, who can’t stand him, this site is for you.

And if you're a Joe Morgan hater, you'll want to click here.

NIP/TUCK is one plotline away from Drs. Troy & McNamara doing a boob job on an extra terrestrial.

Is Katie Couric still anchoring the CBS EVENING NEWS?

Go Bums!!

HOUSE rules

I was walking recently and felt dizzy for a second. I stumbled a beat, regained my balance, the dizziness went away and that was that. No biggie…except my first thought was “Ohmygod, it’s the opening of HOUSE. I have some horrible bizarre medical problem and within hours I will be hanging on for my life.” HOUSE is absolutely the worst show a hypochondriac can watch, and yet…I LOVE IT.

Since this is another low traffic weekend (plus I now optimistically have twelve new readers) I thought I’d re-post an article explaining HOUSE I wrote back in February. Enjoy…or re-enjoy.

*******

If you’re writing a spec episode of HOUSE, here’s the format: Vibrant attractive Fox-friendly hottie in her 30’s suddenly collapses for no reason. Opening credits. House says it’s nothing, send her home. She goes into convulsions. For the next forty minutes the earnest young doctors misdiagnosis her, send her into cardiac arrest, remove something that doesn’t need removing, break into her house for an illegal search, send House in to brow beat and traumatize her, and finally he figures it out. It’s something obscure like she licks stamps with cyanide or swims in a toxic waste dump. Five minutes later she’s cured and goes home. Last scene – ironic music plays over as House sits alone in his…well…house, pensive and tortured.

House must answer every question with a smart remark, the young doctors must roll their eyes at least ten times, House must break the Hippocratic Oath, show up Lisa Edelstein, discuss his love life with the bemused Sean Robert Leonard, and watch garbage TV (otherwise who would know he’s “quirky”?).

Four out of five weeks it’s revealed that the patient was lying all along, covering something up. So instead of just confiding in a doctor they allow themselves to get prodded, probed, cut open, and wrongfully medicated to the point of cardiac arrest and kidney failure.

So you took birth control pills, Julie Warner? You didn’t want to have another baby. Is that worth involuntary flailing, psychotic episodes, internal bleeding, and losing part of your liver? Y’know. your health plan has to pay for this.

The hospital itself is the only one on the planet with glassed in patient rooms. If I was sick in bed and had bedpan accidents I’d sure want people strolling by my room all day. And although they spared no expense on the modern design of the facility, apparently they forgot to include Recovery Rooms and ICU. No matter how major the operation the patient is right back in their private room two hours later entertaining visitors.

And still….it’s my favorite doctor show and I watch it every week religiously. And the episode where the mystery disease was IgA nephrophathy – I guessed it.

Working with Robin Williams

First off, thanks to Defamer.com, James Wolcott, and Lance Mannion for recent referrals. Hopefully, of the thousands of new readers, six will bookmark and stay.

*****

A reader asked me recently to talk about my sordid days doing improv. I started in 1979. Disco was dying and I was looking for the next big thing. My partner, David and I sold a pilot to NBC about a Nichols & May type improv team. The concept was could a man and woman work together and just be friends (long before Sally faked her orgasm for Harry)? To research the arena I called Dee Marcus, director of the improv group OFF THE WALL (still in existence, still performing Friday nights in Santa Monica, and still hilarious) and asked if I could audit a class. She said only if I agreed to participate. I figured, what the hell? I couldn’t be much worse than the other beginners.

I arrived and was blown away by how unbelievably great everyone was. SNL quality people performing over a beauty school at Santa Monica Blvd. and Fairfax. These were the beginners? Shit! I was lucky to get through a scene without pissing on myself (although, I know I passed up a sure laugh) After a few trying weeks of this I learned Dee hadn't put me in the beginners class, she put me in the performance class. These were all the top professionals. (Thanks, Dee) The tip off came when Robin Williams showed up one night.

I stayed in the class for a couple of years, learned an enormous amount, and eventually became part of a comedy troop, THE SUNDAY FUNNIES. We played to crowds often fewer in number than the cast.

After many years of sabbatical I’ve recently started popping in on Andy Goldberg’s class. Of all the improv teachers he’s by far the best. As a comedy writer I recommend improv training. It teaches spontaneity, committing to a character, and creating scenes with beginnings, middles, and ends. The hardest part is going to a deli afterwards and watching your classmates eat fried kreplachs at 11 at night.

One story about Robin. Needless to say, doing scenes with him was an adventure. He is so fast and brilliant he just uses you like a prop. One night I got called up to do a two person scene with him. If you were lucky you sometimes could get in two words. The scene began, he went off in fifteen different directions. I didn't even know what the hell he was talking about. Finally, I heard a beat of silence. He must've been taking a breath. Now's my chance, I thought. I don't know why but the only thing I could think to say was "fuck you". Much to my surprise it got a laugh. He was off and running for two more minutes of inspired word jazz and then it was my turn again. Since it got a laugh the first time I said, "fuck you". It got an even bigger laugh. This became the scene. Robin riffing, me occasionally blurting out "fuck you". And every time I got the biggest laughs.

When the scene was over I worried that Robin would be pissed that I upstaged him. Instead, he took me aside and said, “that was great.” I consider it one of my greatest achievements in comedy.

And I guess he remembers it because every time I see him the first thing he says to me is “Fuck you!”

*****

p.s.

For info on OFF THE WALL just click here.

Loitering at the water cooler

Not to turn this into a STUDIO 60 blog but with all the comments I thought I’d take one more day to offer additional thoughts. Tomorrow, I promise, on to new a new topic – me having to act in a scene with Robin Williams. Picture Fred Astaire and his cane. But for now…

*******

I’m waiting to see Aaron Sorkin write an actual funny sketch. Maybe that Krazy Kristians sketch we’ve heard so much about for two weeks.

Fellow writers, when you saw the scene where Matthew Perry viewed his writing staff as all hacks, didn’t you think in the back of your mind that that’s what Aaron Sorkin thinks of all of us?

And so again I say, let’s see an Aaron Sorkin penned FUNNY sketch.

When have you ever seen a press conference to welcome new showrunners? To get any show biz reporter to show up the network would have to provide a lavish buffet, goody bags, and the only other entertainment story of the day would have to be the DVD release of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. In reality, what are you going to ask these guys? “What are you going to do different?” to which they would respond, “Uh, tune in Friday night and see.”? Then back to Amanda Peet for, “Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Grab a plate. The food stations are now open. All we ask is that you don’t fill your pockets.”

Brad Whitford, as great as he is, is still Josh from WEST WING to me.

The weeklong countdown clock that Matt Perry says would drive anyone nuts – try having to reset it every 108 minutes and then come talk to me.

In the original pilot script, dated October 6, 2005 the network name was UBS.

Steven Weber is still the best thing in the show. He is soulless and delicious. How does one get from WINGS to this? Do THE SHINING in the middle.

Doesn’t NBS have bigger things to worry about than their Friday night 11:30 pm sketch show? How good can their prime time line up be? Let’s see Amanda deal with Dick Wolf.

If you polled a studio audience of SNL and asked who Gilbert & Sullivan were, I bet most would say two of the Chipmunks.

Is John Mauceri considered stunt casting? Jesus, when we were doing ALMOST PERFECT the network said no to Angie Dickinson.

It’s hard to root for people who are all beautiful, talented, rich, and could get another job in a minute. At least if the gang from WEST WING screwed up there’d be thermonuclear war. Here, the affiliate in Jewhate, Arkansas pre-empts the show.

But for all its flaws I still find STUDIO 60 fascinating and will watch again next week.

And yet, at the end of the day I bet the Tina Fey show will be more realistic and funnier.

Studio 60 & other stuff

After watching episode two of STUDIO 60 I must let you in on a little secret. People in television, trust me, are not that smart. Not even close. Jesus. I’ve worked with people whom I thought, if they couldn’t write a joke they’d be living in a Maytag box. And they keep talking about how unbelievably talented that Harriet (Sarah Paulson) is. Have you seen evidence of it yet? I haven’t. But then again, I’m not that smart.

Note to Aaron Sorkin: the best way to motivate comedy writers is not with threats and a dress code.

Notice when people talk about STUDIO 60 they don't start the conversation by saying, "I really liked it" or "I hated it"? Instead it's always, "What did you think?" I suspect no one really knows what to make of it.

So far, no breakout new hits this year. Could it be the two-shows-for-every-premise policy this year? I’d love to see the abducted kid from KIDNAPPED delivered to the folks on VANISHED.

HAPPY HOUR has been pre-empted. Whoever picked that show as the first cancellation, you’re looking pretty good. Although, KIDNAPPED could sneak in there first. And STANDOFF has gone on hiatus, presumably to give the new consulting producer a chance to get up to speed. Shutting down production is never a good sign, and needing a new consulting producer is a worse one.

Best title of the new shows: MEN IN TREES.

GREY’S ANATOMY beat CSI last Thursday. People are more interested in who’s doing it than who done it.

CSI MIAMI beat STUDIO 60 last Monday. People are more interested in who done it than what is it?

Just when I think sitcoms are bad I see those beer commercials on football games.

I’m sure I speak for all writers when I say I’d rather be a sherpa than work on a Mandy Patinkin show.

If you root for a tribe on SURVIVOR does that make you a racist? Way to cast the Hispanic team, by the way. They selected a big fat lazy heavy metal artist. Shots of his tribe mates working away while he just sat. Producers did everything but play “Manana” every time the camera went to him.

Now that several FRASIER writers are working on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, expect a lot of episodes about dinner parties that go awry.

See LENNON VS. US. Terrific documentary. Worth the price of admission just for the scene where Black Panther leader, Bobby Seale is a guest on the Mike Douglas Show. I just wish they had sung a duet together. Maybe Ed Ames’ “My Cup Runneth Over” or Sly Stone’s “Don’t call me Nigger, Whitey.”

The Ted Danson School of Star Etiquette

Despite my desire to kill off characters when stars misbehave, my heart goes out to actors. Writers are used to rejection. But for actors, throw in “I don’t like his nose,” “Great actress but no breasts,” and the old network standby: “Ugh, America can’t look at her.” I sure couldn’t do it. Is it any wonder that sometimes the very few who survive this humiliation and make it become raging assholes? The people who do believe in them and hire them wind up paying for all those who didn’t. It’s payback time, except it’s often misplaced. (Ian Gurvitz, in his book HELLO, THE AGENT LIED refers to actors as "children in adult clothes". )

My partner and I have worked numerous projects with “stars” and I’ve encountered a few more on my own in my directing life. I’m a firm believer that money and power just make you more of what you are. Last week I alluded to Mary Tyler Moore (when you see her throw her hat in the air, it’s really my liver) but I’ve been more than blessed by being able to work with Ted Danson, Alan Alda, Nancy Travis, Michael Douglas, Kelsey Grammer, David Hyde Pierce, Tom Hanks, John Candy, and many others.

Having experienced the good and bad, David and I now have a little speech we give “stars” before we go into business with them. We say how thrilled we are to be working with them, how we’ll kill ourselves to make the best possible show, something we can all be proud of…”but if you turn into a monster we’re in Hawaii.” And it’s not an idle threat. We once walked away from a pilot the minute it wrapped. Life IS too short.

David and I have always contended all sitcom leads should be required to attend the “Ted Danson school of how to conduct yourself as a TV star”. There is a certain responsibility that goes along with being the star. He sets the tone for the whole stage. Ted is forever gracious, professional, on time, supportive, unselfish, makes everyone from guest stars to visitors feel completely welcome. His work ethic is impeccable. And as a result everyone else takes their cue from him.

What this creates is a happy set and that’s an intangible that always makes it to the screen – an infectious quality, an energy that gives the show just that extra little sparkle. And in today’s marketplace that spark, that twinkle could be the difference.

Steven Bochco once said, “the first year the actors work for you, the second year you work together, and the third you work for them.”

Tuesday night Ted Danson’s new series, HELP ME HELP YOU premieres on ABC. I hope it’s the hit of the season. There’s no more deserving actor – and that’s after having two huge hits already.

Best of luck, Teddy!

Pitching pilots

It’s the sitcom pilot pitching time of the year.

For the next few months those of us TV writers lucky enough to be invited will schlep over to the networks and pitch our pilot ideas. It’s the comedy version of GLENGARY GLENROSS.

You generally meet with the director of comedy, or VP of comedy, or Lt. Colonel of comedy and three or four underlings. One of the underlings will be holding a pad and taking notes of your pitch. Don’t dismiss this person as someone insignificant. Four years from now she’ll be running the CW. You, on the other hand, will be flanked with a studio rep (or six), a non-writing producer (the style de jour), and maybe an agent. When I was with CAA they always sent an agent. And it was always someone I had never met. He invariably would walk into the meeting and tell the network honcho that we had an “idea that would blow him away” even though he had no idea what the idea was.

After some small talk where everyone tries to impress everyone else with what great foodies we all are, it’s time to launch into the pitch. You lay out the premise, characters, sample stories, and try to make them laugh throughout. Some will, they’ll be rockin’ and rollin’. Others will stare at you blankly like you just ran over their kitty. It’s been described as playing tennis against a blanket. Same pitch. Same jokes. Same delivery. Totally different reactions.

But just because you have the network enthralled and coughing up blood from laughter doesn’t mean they’ll buy it. And likewise, one that is dying a horrible death could be the one you sell right there in the room. Most of the time they will tell you they’ll discuss it and get back to you. That generally means they have to pitch it to their boss who will then make the decision. So you can imagine how sparkling the pitch will be second hand from the tennis blanket.

A few things that have happened to my partner and I during pitch meetings –

We had to pitch a pilot the day after 9-11. The VP cried. (We sold it)

We pitched ABC (years and many executives ago) and started with a joke. We said we had an idea that was tailor made for their network. We called in “Tuesday Night Football”. The girl with the pad was writing it down as if we were serious. (We didn’t sell the idea or TNF that day.)

Our PA on CHEERS who used to get us lunch became the VP of comedy at a major network. We had to pitch our PA. (No sale. But we were offered drinks.)

The comedy VP (who later became the president of that network) once asked us “What is the opening episode of the seventh season?” Huh??? How the fuck do you answer that? We said “the clip show, featuring all the highlights of the many Emmy winning episodes.” (No sale)

This happened several times: The VP hears our pitch then says they bought something just like it only yesterday. But if it’s any consolation ours is better. Oh yeah. Tremendous consolation. That’s like “if I hadn’t met your brother first I would have slept with you.”

We were overseeing two young writers. The studio rep began the meeting by introducing all of us to the network people by saying, “So with Ken & David we have the old with the new.” Jesus! Why not just say, “we went over to the broadcast museum and dug up the guys who wrote MR. PEEPERS”?

We had a great pitch once. The VP called to say it’s not final but we were on “the one yard line”. Turns out we hit a tough goal line stance. And the clock ran out.

We pitched a show that took place between midnight and six. The network said, “We LOVE it. We’ll buy it. Only one small alternation. Can it not take place between midnight and six?” Uh, then what are you buying? They weren’t sure but they liked the area. (No sale there but we did sell it elsewhere.)

Easiest pitch we ever had -- David Isaacs, Robin Schiff, and I went into CBS to pitch ALMOST PERFECT. We said, “a young woman – on the day she gets the job of her life meets the guy of her life. How does she juggle the two?” SOLD. Just like that.

And finally, how original do the ideas have to be? In 1975 we sold our first pilot to NBC. It was called BAY CITY AMUSEMENT COMPANY. The premise was a behind-the-scenes look at SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Considering they have two shows on the air this season with that exact same premise I’d say just pick up our show instead. Unfortunately, half of our cast is now dead.

In the year 5767

Happy Jewish New Years. It's just not the same without this man.

I'm reminded of Sandy Koufax not pitching the first game of the 1965 World Series because it was the Jewish High Holiday. Don Drysdale pitched instead. The Minnesota Twins bombed him. He was lifted in the third inning. As Dodger manager, Walter Alston came out to the mound to get him, Drysdale said, "Yeah, Skip, I know what you're thinking. Why couldn't HE be Jewish?"

Beaver Cleaver resurfaces

For my weekend post, here are a few sites you might check out.

My son, Matt, has a great baseball blog worth your attention. Now that his beloved Red Sox are toast he turns his attention to the playoffs.

Here's a magic trick you won't see at the next kiddie party. I'd like to see David Copperfield do this one. Trust me, there's nothing up her sleeve.

For those who have asked to hear what I sounded like as a disc jockey, here's a sample of my work in 1977. Just scroll down the page until you find Beaver Cleaver on TenQ. Yes, that's right. Beaver Cleaver. Warning: I was insane back then.

This is the book about television you've got to read. HELLO, LIED THE AGENT by Ian Gurvitz. It's caustic, it's bitter, it's hilarious.

A fun internet radio station is GREAT BIG RADIO. It's what Jack should be. Good kick ass rock n' roll from the 60's through last Thursday. Plus fun surprises.

Another good book is KINDERGARTEN WARS by Alan Eisenstock. Alan's a former TV sitcom writer who went legit and writes books now. KINDERGARTEN WARS is the true life insanity of what it takes to get your floor ape into private school at the finger paint level. Which nursery school is a feeder for Harvard or Yale? You'll learn here.