By Ken Levine

Mid-week misc-takes

Thanks to those websites who linked to my Aaron Sorkin parody. For you new readers, what you’ll find here are humor pieces, inside industry stuff, anecdotes, advice to writers, goofy travelogues, award show reviews, script samples, and once every five years a political piece.

A couple more prime time game shows are premiering, cutting out even more slots for scripted shows. I think in the next WGA contract they should insist that writers be contestants so at least we can win our money for the year.

The NBA season begins. I think they should just give each team 100 points and let them play for five minutes. As it is now there are 82 exhibition games until the playoffs.

On whatever the OUTDOOR NETWORK is now called there is a great show where BBQ chefs compete for $75,000. You can almost feel the grease coming out of your TV screen. One of the events is having them cook unfamiliar dishes. These good ol’ boys are stymied. “Lobster? Wha’ the fuck is lobster?” Then you see them flip it around and around looking for the ass to shove a jalapeño pepper in.

Rumors abound that STUDIO 60 will soon be cancelled. Darn. And I was so looking forward to that full page ad in the trades: “For your consideration: Sarah Paulson, best actress in a comedy.”

PRISON BREAK: Michael sets up this elaborate system of clues that even the Navajos couldn’t decipher to rendezvous with Sarah and he expects her to be there? I might’ve just sent a text message. But then, if my brother were on death row and I knew the floor plan of the prison, instead of going to prison myself to spring him I might merely phone and say, “Okay, bro, there’s a passageway under the laundry room. That takes you to a vent near the chapel. Climb up that vent for fifty feet then turn right…” etc.

HEROES: Save the cheerleader, save the network.

Note to movie theaters: Okay, I surrender. You can play commercials. Just don’t show the CATCH A FIRE trailer ever again. I’ve seen it sixty-five times. Please. I’ll even sit through the “Movie Fone” ad.

No comedy writer should be without the SGT. BILKO box set. The episode where Bilko gets a monkey processed and sworn into the army is worth the price of the DVD’s alone.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! To the greatest show on earth! If there’s anyone who loves a circus more than kids, Twyla Tharp thinks it’s aged baby boomers. Her new Broadway show, THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’, the juke box musical of Bob Dylan hits (or, as my daughter Annie calls the genre – a “re-usical”) is inexplicably set under the big top. I guess the jugglers and the clowns will do their tricks for you. I despise circuses anyway (sad clowns are even worse than the CATCH A FIRE trailer) so I can’t imagine anything more horrible. To sit through this, truly, everybody must get stoned.

I love Elizabeth Mitchell. Even if she’s an “other”. To join the cast of LOST do you now have to take a breathalyzer test?

Fox is preparing a TSA action-drama, focusing on those brave men and women who make you put your computer in a separate bin.

I just saw ten minutes of MARIE ANTOINETTE (I ducked into another theater during a certain trailer) so it’s not really fair to comment. But what I saw looked like Romy & Michele with wigs.

Keith Urban checked himself into a substance abuse treatment center four months after marrying Nicole Kidman. Draw your own conclusions.

And finally…can you believe it’s November already??

Happy Halloween

I must admit I never got into those slasher movies. Seems to me they’re all the same story. The popular kids who were too good to ever go out with you in high school all frolic off to a cabin for some holiday and some disfigured skeesix in a goalie’s mask terrorizes and one-by-one graphically slices them up. Yes, it’s grizzly and horrible but isn’t that sorta what they deserve? Would it kill them to agree to dance with us just once??

Then there’s a sequel where the ones that survived go BACK to the cabin. You’d think maybe they’d hit the MTV beach house the next winter break instead?

And there’s always the backstory explaining how the psychopath became a killer…such as he was a bed wetter or flunked out of Benhinana Chef school.

I have what I believe is a great idea for a slasher movie. I’m sharing it because I’ve had it registered (in other words, you can’t steal it!!!). But it seems to me the key to this genre is creating a truly terrifying slasher. My idea is to hire Gordon from SESAME STREET as the psychopath. Can you imagine how disturbing THAT would be to anyone who grew up with that show?

“You didn’t eat your vegetables!” “AAAAAAAA!!!” Slice! Hack!

“Can you spell ‘help’?” “H-E-L-AAAAAAAAAAA!!” Stab! Slit!

“One of these limbs is not like the others!” Chop!

“Today I’m brought to you by the letters D.O.A.!!”

I can hear the screams now. Freddie and Jason and Chucky, eat (or cut) your hearts out. Plus, I’ve got the sequel all storyboarded. Only this time it’s Maria.

Happy Halloween, kids.

Goodbye Radar

A reader asked me about the “Goodbye Radar” episodes of MASH. They were the last MASH scripts my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. We wanted to title the show “Goodbye Levine & Isaacs” but CBS nixed it.

The episode was originally scheduled to wrap up season seven but the network worked out a deal with Burghoff to come back season eight for six shows and do the finale as a two-parter during November sweeps. We left the series after season seven as well but agreed to return to write the two-parter.

The first problem was that this decision to push back the finale was made at the last second so we had to scramble for that final episode of season seven. David and I wrote “Night at Rosie’s” over a weekend and it began filming the next day.

When it finally came time to film “Goodbye Radar” Gary decided he didn’t want to wear his hat. This became a big issue and remains a sore spot with me to this day. Our contention was that without the hat he no longer looked like a kid, he looked like a balding man rocketing into middle age. Also, for reasons I still can’t fathom, he chose to play the character somewhat angry throughout.

Trivia note: in the show he hooks up with a future girlfriend. We named her Patty Haven, one of my former girlfriends.

Overall, I was pretty pleased with the final result. Charles Dubin’s direction really elevated it.

The one thing David and I wanted to avoid was a lot of schmaltz. We did not want long gooey farewell speeches with a lot of crying and hugging. So we devised a story where choppers arrived with injured patients just as Radar had to leave. Farewells were delivered on the run. And this is how we ended the show:

FADE IN

EXT. COMPOUND – NIGHT

Tired and sullen, Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. (still in bloody surgical garb) EXIT. O.R. and head towards “The Swamp”.

POTTER
Pierce, you were a good boy in there. You only threw one instrument, and two tantrums.

HAWKEYE
Well, the finger’s improved. It’s up to excruciating.

B.J.
(looking up) Warm night. Maybe I’ll take a walk and unwind.

HAWKEYE
Sounds relaxing. I’ll get a couple of flashlights. You can look for minefields, I’ll check for snipers. (beat) Where do you think he is now?

POTTER
Doesn’t matter. He’s away from here.

B.J.
I really miss the kid, you know?

POTTER
Yeah.

HAWKEYE
I’m going to name my first wife after him.

They reach “The Swamp”.

B.J.
Well, I’ve walked enough.

HAWKEYE
Me too. Let’s see if the bar is open in this place.

CUT TO;

INT. “THE SWAMP” – NIGHT

Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. ENTER.

B.J.
He’s probably halfway to Hawaii by now.

B.J. flops on his cot. Hawkeye is at the still, fixing three drinks.

HAWKEYE
(yawning) I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Potter stops, looking down at Hawkeye’s bunk.

POTTER
Hey, boys…

B.J./HAWKEYE
Yeah? What?

CLOSE ON HAWKEYE’S BUNK

Lying on his pillow is Radar’s teddy bear.

BACK TO SCENE

Touched, Potter picks up the teddy bear, hands it to Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE
(to teddy bear) Good-bye, Radar.

FADE OUT

THE END

A brief comment on this weekend's post

I rarely use this blog as a political forum. I am anything but a wonk. Earlier this year I filled in for Stephanie Miller on her radio show and just immersing myself in current events for two days was enough to send me screaming for a Xanex. But I do try to stay topical and we are nearing a big election.

It saddens me to think there are readers who will discontinue coming to this blog because I don't agree with their political beliefs but so be it I guess.

Although I'd feel better if you left because you thought I wasn't funny.

Onwards and sidewards. A new post on MASH is upcoming.

Joe Esterhaus action figure

Was at a newsstand last night and happened to glance through Scr(i)pt Magazine. One feature in particular caught my eye. I think it was called NEW VOICES. They must’ve selected the three most pretentious new writers who were lucky enough to sell a script and profile them.

Each answered a series of questions. What writing quirks did they have? One had to write when the sun was down (and I assume could not have a cross in the room) . Another couldn’t work unless he played a song that fit the mood of the scene he was working on. What? No deprivation tanks or a Joe Esterhaus action figure in your pants???

For upcoming projects most were just rewriting their current project or putting together exciting new things (i.e. they had nothing). One said he was trying to attract actors for his “amazing must-read other screenplays.” As Woody Allen said in ANNIE HALL, “what I wouldn’t give for a large sock of horse manure.”

Finally, they had the audacity to give advice to writers – based on their eleven minutes in the business. That’s like Kellie Pickler giving a master class in singing.

One rookie scribe offered that writing is a marathon not a sprint. (Gee, never heard THAT one before). Another said writing was a mountain not a plateau and that writers had to continue to strive to learn. Which Learning Annex Writing Seminar teaches clichés?

GIMME A BREAK!

If I may offer some advice, and granted I’m not a hot new voice – I would suggest that writing is a very humbling exercise. And the minute you think you’ve got it down, the instant you think you’re the “Prince of the City” – BAM!!! You are in for a fall. A BIG fall. I would love to read a follow up on these three guys in five years… after they’ve been rewritten, had four “amazing must-read” specs that didn’t sell, done the tenth rewrite of the sizzling screenplay they sold last month, and applied for a teaching position at a middle school.

If you’re an aspiring writer and do sell your first script. Congratulations. That’s fabulous. Enjoy it. But instead of viewing it as validation of your own brilliance, appreciate that this is just the start and your longevity will depend on your continuing to grow, luck, relationships, and keeping some perspective.

I guess I can kiss goodbye any feature article about myself in Scr(i)pt Magazine. Oh well, writing is a mountain not a plateau.

The end of the World...series

This is the most depressing weekend of the year. The end of baseball and the end of Daylight Savings Time. I hate it when it gets dark at 2 in the afternoon.

And now for my weekend post – something REALLY controversial. Again, a reminder, when you write your angry hate comments on this upcoming piece, include your name.

Here are my World Series final thoughts:

When Jeff Weaver wins the clinching game of the Fall Classic you know we’re living in a world gone mad.

If the Tigers weren’t so young and inexperienced I’d wonder if we didn’t have another Black Sox scandal brewing. (And still I’d like to know who Tony Soprano had money on.) It was staggering how many errors the Tigers made, not to mention baserunning blunders, and inept hitting. Far from a championship team, they looked like a fat man’s picnic out there.

And they STILL beat the Yankees.

Now I know why the A’s fired their manager after being swept by this bunch.

Was there ever a more boring World Series? When “Schmootzgate” is the big story, you know you’re not seeing one for the ages.

Hope you got the chance to hear Jon Miller’s play-by-play on ESPN radio. He made the World Series sound, well…exciting even.

Did you ever think the Cardinals would win a World Series where Pujols batted .200?

Joe Buck on TV was his usual excellent self. And even on those very rare occasions when Tim McCarver made a good point (when he didn’t have the wrong score or was misidentifying a player) he repeated himself six or seven times until you still wanted to kill him anyway.

“Now it counts” – that big All-Star win for the American League giving them homefield advantage really was important.

I-Rod had a World Series worthy of A-Rod.

I loved the sign at Busch Stadium “Clone Suppan”.

So typical. the network showing series stars in the stands. Of course, since it’s Fox, the biggest star I saw was the crazed guy who plays Tea Bag on PRISON BREAK.

Maybe fielding practice for pitchers should not be exclusive to Spring Training.

With all the rainouts I was kinda hoping for a World Series/Superbowl doubleheader.

In victory or defeat, Jim Leyland is the classiest manager in baseball.

David Eckstein was a worthy MVP… although a case could be made for Yadier Molina.

Doesn’t it seem like one of the Molina brothers is always in the World Series?

Tiger fans can take great comfort in knowing Kenny Rogers WOULD have won the sixth game if there was one.

MLB is selling DVD’s of this year’s World Series. Biggest seller should be the rainout night when Fox showed a WAR AT HOME marathon.

Commissioner Bud Selig called this World Series a remarkable end to a remarkable season. Bud, that champagne is for spraying, not drinking.

How many days until pitchers and catchers report?

From the pen of Larry Gelbart

Larry Gelbart (brilliant writer of MASH, TOOTSIE, OH GOD, FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, SLY FOX, CITY OF ANGELS, etc.) just emailed me this and I wanted to pass it on. You're welcome to do the same.

Ken

***********

For Election Day – Lest We Forget

Iraq
Iraq
Iraq
Abu Ghraib
Guantanamo
Evil Doers
Evil Do Gooders
Terrormercials
Outsourcing Jobs
OutsourcingTorture
Quitting International Criminal Court
The Kyoto Protocol
The Geneva Conventions
Leaving Habeas Corpus for Dead
Civil War Abroad
Uncivil War at Home
Sound Bites
Unsound Policies
Unremorseful
Unregretful
Unrepentant
The Middle East Mess
The Middle Class Collapse
Predictably Unprepared
Perpetually Unequipped
Unmatched Ignorance
Unbridled Arrogance
Unwarranted Phone Taps
Unprecedented Powers
Compassionate Imperialism
Faith-Based Fascism
Total Dicktatorship
700 Club
700 Mile Border Fence
Over 700 Presidential Signing Statements
Unmatched Incompetence
Unparalleled Corruption
Ethic Cleansing
Governor Bob Taft
Governor John Rowland
Governor Bill Janklow
Oversight
Overlook
Stuff Happens
Stuffed Shirts
Tailored Suits
Tailored Stories
24/7 Spin Cycle
Executive Privilege
Privileged Executives
Wordsmiths
Warsmiths
Surrogate Samurais
Draft Dodging Doges
Potomac Pattons
A Coven of the Craven
Representative Tom Delay
Representative Roy Blunt
Representative Ken Calvert
Representative John Doolittle
Representative Jean Schmidt
Representative Jim Gibbons
Representative Tom Feeney
Representative Patrick McHenry
Representative Christopher Shays
Representative Katherine Harris
Representative Barbara Cubin
Representative Joe Barton
Representative Jerry Lewis
Representative Gary Miller
Representative Marilyn Musgrave
Representative Richard Pombo
Representative Rick Renzi
Representative John Sweeney
Representative Charles Taylor
Representative Curt Weldon
Representative J.D. Hayworth
Representative Don Sherwood
Representative John Patterson
Representative Rodney Alexander
Representative Roy LaHood
Representative Bob Beauprez
Representative Bob Ney
Representative Randy Cunningham
Representative Chris Cannon
Jeff Gannon
Representative Mark Foley
Representative Dennis Hastert
Representative Jim Kolbe
Representative John Shimkus
Representative Tom Reynolds
Over Paid
Over Reaching
Over Logging
Under Armored
Under Suspicion
Beneath Contempt
Senator Bill Frist
Senator George Allen
Senator Conrad Burns
Senator Joe Lieberman
Senator Rick Santorum
Senator Trent Lott
Senator James Inhofe
Senator Pat Roberts
Senator Sam Brownback
Rubber Stamps
Robber Barons
Senator Larry Craig
Craig Schelske
Ken Blackwell
Lester Crawford
Crawford, Texas
Brian Bilbray
Margaret Spellings
Media Consolidation
Homophobia on the Range
Fearmongering
Smearslinging
The RNC
The DNC (Do Nothing Congress)
DC (Dutifully Corporate)
Family Valuables
The Far Wrong
The Far Righteous
Reverend Jerry Falwell
Reverend Pat Robertson
Reverend James Dobson
Reverend Lou Sheldon
Ralph Reed
Gary Bauer
David Safavian
Vice Presidential Energy Task Force
Seventy Dollars a Barrel
Three Bucks a Gallon
Record Oil Company Profits
Anwar Pipeline
Anbar Province
Arthur Anderson
ABB
Adelphia Communications
Merck
Eli Lilly
Mirant
AOL Time Warner
Kmart
Bristol-Myers Squibb
CMS Energy
Duke Energy
Nicor Energy
Reliant Energy
Dynegy
Peregrine Systems
Homestore.com
Xerox
Qwest
Tyco
WorldCom
Global Crossing
Global Warming
Global Boiling
Lee Raymond
Exxon
Enron
Abramoff
Tribe Bribes
Mike Scanlon
Grover Norquist
War Profiteers
War Privateers
Halliburton
Bechtel
Blackwater
CACI
Titan
Carlyle Group
Custer Battles
Kellogg, Brown & Root
George Tenet
Unanswered Questions
Questionable Answers
Adam Kidan
Timothy Flanigan
Lawrence Lindsay
Jessica Lynch
Jim Ellis
John Colyandro
Donald Keyser
Peter Roskam
Katherine Gun
Garrett Lott
Armstrong Williams
Talking Points
Pointless Talking
Chuck McGee
James Tobin
Thomas Scully
Kenneth Tomlinson
Allen Raymond
Claude Allen
Katrina
Rita
Harriet (Miers)
FEMA
FISA
NSA
Cut and Run
Run on Cuts
Bring It On
Dead Or Alive
Terri Schiavo
Bill Frist, MD
John Bolton
Diebold
Florida, 2000
Ohio, 2004
North Korea 2006
Selective Diplomacy
Preemptive War
Iraq.
Iran?
Sleeper Cells
Stem Cell Research
Darfur
Dubai Ports World
Swift Boat Hit Men
Max Cleland
Douglas Feith
Mumming the Press
Dumbing the Proles
Roger Ailes
Sean Hannity
Bill O’Reilly
Fred Barnes
Morton Kondracke
Brit Hume
John Gibson
Ann Coulter
Laura Ingraham
Michelle Malkin
Glenn Beck
Neil Cavuto
Neal Boortz
Neil Bush (No Brother Left Behind)
Rush Limbaugh
David Frum
David Horowitz
Golden Parachutes
Shrunken Pensions
Sunken Bipartisanship
Bernie Kerik
Eminent Domain
J. Steven Griles
Numerous Convictions
Occasional Confessions
Social Security Privatization
Abrupt Resignations
Porter Goss
Dusty Foggo
Zero Accountability
Even Less Credibility
Michael Chertoff
Homeland Insecurity
Ahmad Chalabi
Baghdad Museum
Tora Bora
Taliban Resurgence
Iraqi Insurgents
General William Boykin
General Eric Shinseki
General Janet Karpinski
General Ricardo Sanchez
General Anthony Zinni
Mission Accomplished
Lawbreaking Lawmakers
Impeachable Sources
Suppressed Medicare Costs
The Donut Hole
Intelligent Design
Intelligence Failures
Ari Fleischer
Scott McClellan
Tony Snow
Tony Perkins
Tony Rudy
Tony Blankley
Tony Blair
Downing Street Memo
The Late Great Britain
Ken Mehlman
Dennis Prager
Wayne Simmons
Frank Gaffney
Expiration of Assault Weapons Ban
John Ashcroft
Alberto Gonzales
Alberto Fernandez
Danny Diaz
William Bennett
Stephen Hadley
Karen Hughes
Bunnatine Greenhouse
Richard Grasso
Brian Doyle
Thomas Noe
Ted Van Der Meid
Tan Nguyen
Michael Gerson
Michael Medved
Michael Reagan
Michael Maloof
Michael Savage
Aluminum Tubes
Rice
Yellowcake
Niger
Valerie Plame
Joseph Wilson
Scooter Libby
Robert Novak
Richard Armitage
Brent Bozell III
Paul Bremer III
Gulf II
Non-Regime-Changing Regime Changers
Neoconmen
Ex-Non-Vet Vulcans
Playing to an Enraptured Audience
Armageddon Uber Alles
Paul Wolfowitz
Richard Perle
David Wormser
Elliott Abrams
James Woolsey
Zalmay Khalizad
William Kristol
The Coalition of the Dwindling
Staining the Course
WMD (W’s Mass Denials)
Mad Cowboy Disease
Mad Cowhands Disease
Kissinger Redux
Duck Cheney
Rumbo
Blossom (the Turd)
George (the Fourth):Son of a Higher Father; Uniter, Decider, Flatulater; Reader of at least three Shakespeares, Camus’ “The Stranger” and “The Pet Goat;”
Prematurely discharged National Air Guardsman, missing in inaction, who describes members of the political party that successfully prosecuted two world wars as quitters.
Billions Missing in Iraq
Trillions Missing in D.C.
Missing Limbs
Missed Lives
Iraq
Iraq
Iraq

On to ’08 ...

Back-up scripts

Networks are beginning to give freshman series additional script orders. On the surface this seems like a vote of confidence. Actually, it’s just Lucy teeing up the football one more time for Charlie Brown. If networks really had confidence they’d order more episodes. In most cases you’ll still be cancelled but now you’ll also have to do extra useless work. Last year those coveted additional script orders went out to THRESHOLD, E-RING, and OUT OF PRACTICE. In the case of the latter, they eventually got a production order, made the episodes only to be cancelled and never aired. Tee it up, Lucy!

In an earlier post I described the back-up script that David and I wrote in a half an hour (with an included portion). Here's that entry.

But that's not my favorite story. Many years ago, we were show runners for a series at 20th Century Fox that got axed after we wrote a commissioned back-up episode. (I should note here that none of the executives involved are anywhere connected with 20th anymore.) The President of the studio at the time called us, told us of the cancellation – there was the usual balloon juice about how stupid the network was, yada yada – and said he wanted us to stay in the 20th family and offered us a development deal. We thanked him, were very grateful but said this was all very sudden and we’d need a little time to decide what we wanted to do next. He understood and repeated his pledge that there would always be a place for us at the studio.

An hour later a business affairs person called and said they weren’t paying us for the script. We told her it was part of the network back-up order, it was already written, and even printed out with a 20th cover. She said, tough, they’re not paying. So we called the union and fifteen minutes later she was informed that indeed they WERE paying.

Ten minutes later she called to say we had to be out of our office within the hour. Great way to treat such valued members of the 20th “family”. So we packed up and left, and you’ll be amazed to know declined their development deal.

Flash forward two months. Michael Douglas hires us to rewrite JEWEL OF THE NILE, the sequel to ROMANCING THE STONE. We tell him we have two conditions – a secretary (we write scripts by dictating them to an assistant) and an office…but not just ANY office. We wanted our old office (which was still vacant) and told him why. Michael loved the story, is always up for a good tussle with the studio, and sure enough later that afternoon the same business affairs bitch who threw us out of that office had to call and arrange for our moving back in.

This tiny victory was additionally sweet because it was on the same lot that Darryl F. Zanuck reportedly once said about a writer, “throw him off the lot until we need him again.”

If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball

This is how I imagine a typical scene would go.

EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNY
Last I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNY
It’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT.

Knowing when to stop

Sitting down to start writing each day is tough. And so is knowing when to stop. If the two events are usually within fifteen minutes of each other pick another profession. But if you’re really putting in the hours, and there’s no foreman telling you when quitting time is, when is quitting time?

Some screenwriters go by number of pages. Others set a time limit. One I know eats chocolate covered coffee beans all day and when his hand starts to shake that’s the time to wrap it up. There’s no right answer, except maybe the last one.

A lot of writers will hang in there until they finish a scene. They like that sense of closure. There is something to be said for that peace of mind. Especially if you’re neurotic and from what I hear, one or two writers are.

On the other hand, I like to stop when I get stuck. It’s usually in the middle of a scene. (Ernest Hemingway used to stop in the middle of a sentence. I always wondered if he wrote a suicide note that read: “I’m sorry, I just can’t go…”)

Instead of gutting it out, I will walk away from the computer and just let my subconscious mind work on solving the problem. I know that sounds very “Yanni” but for me, a relaxed state is when I do my best thinking. I’ll keep a notepad by the bed and in the morning just lie there like a slug and let my mind run free. Very often the answer will come. Similarly, the shower is a good place to problem solve, and one of the few shower activities you can admit to.

The added benefit of allowing yourself the night and morning to break through your problem is that when you sit down to start writing again you’ll already have a head start. You won’t have to face the “tyranny of the blank page.”

Writing is rewarding but never easy. We resist starting and constantly fight the temptation to stop. Kurt Vonnegut talked of the difficulty. He said whenever he’s in a room with writers they’ll all be bitching about how hard the process is. All except one. He’ll say it’s a breeze. Every day it just flows. Invariably HE’S the worst writer in the room.