By Ken Levine

Oh no! Christmas songs again!

In every radio market at least one station scraps its regular programming to play all Christmas music. I wish it were the right wing talk station but alas it’s usually the New Wave or Celine Dion station. The ratings are always huge. I’m surprised some stations don’t keep the format on all year. But it brings up the question, which Christmas songs do you love and which do you hate?

Personally, I get a warm feeling when I hear Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song” for the first time each season. By the 50th, not so much. The Phil Spector Christmas album is still my favorite. Putting aside that he killed someone, we thank Phil for a real musical gift.

And Darlene Love's , "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" which is a recent parody of her own work on the album is maybe the funniest Christmas song ever.

I fancy the oldies. Brenda Lee’s “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”, Bobby Helm’s “Jingle Bell Rock”, and the Beach Boys’ “Little St. Nick”.

The Boss’s Xmas ditty is pretty catchy as are the King’s.

Re: “White Christmas”, give me the Drifters over Bing. (Interesting that so many classic Christmas songs were written by Jews.)

Some obscure holiday songs I recommend: “Run Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Four Seasons, “Monster Holiday” by Bobby Boris Pickett (that one always tears me up), and “Santa Claus is Watching You” by Ray Stevens. Super obscure but worth finding is “Lost Winter Dreams” by Lisa Mychols. And for the motherlode of bad taste fun, try to find Claudine Longet singing “Winter Wonderland”. Before she shot skier Spider Sabich in cold blood she and husband, Andy Williams, were the first couple of the season. Their annual family Christmas special was a must-see. They even have a kid named Noel.
Songs I can’t stand: “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano, “Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney, and “the Little Drummer Boy” by anybody. Whey do stations overplay TO DEATH the songs that are the most repetitious? Also, anything sung by kids usually makes me cringe.

I’m only sorry Kurt Cobain left us before he could give the world his Christmas album.

For a more vocal pop sound, you can’t beat Linda Eder’s holiday album. Her version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” would bring a tear to a glass eye. Listen for it the next time you’re in an elevator. Streisand is great but there’s more ornamentation than on the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Johnny Mathis is a little too sugar plum fairy for my tastes, and you can always count on “Mr. Peace and Goodwill to All Men”, Sinatra. The Carpenters have their fans too. Best new CD: The Manhattan Transfer just released an Acapella album that is gorgeous.

But if I had to pick my all-time favorite Christmas song, the one that most expresses my feelings about the holiday season, it would have to be “The Christmas Song” by the Chipmunks. Sometimes the right song and the right performers just combine for sheer perfection.

What songs do you love or loathe?

Who needs comedy writers?

Is improvisation the savior of the sitcom? A number of articles I’ve recently read suggest that it is. I’m not so sure.

Several cable networks have launched comedies that rely on the actors improv-ing (as opposed to “improving”) within scenes. Their showrunners and network execs tell every reporter who will listen that they’re making groundbreaking television, that the old “set-up, joke, set-up, joke” sitcom format is passé and a thing of the past. They’ve come along to rescue the genre. Thank you soooo much. All that’s fine except for one thing – are these new improv comedies really FUNNY?

So far the answer is no.

Even the same TV critics who hail this new form admit in their reviews that the shows are quiet, amusing in spots, the tone is more naturalistic, the actors are likeable, but there are very few big laughs. And that’s understandable because unless your cast includes Robin Williams, Sasha Cohen, Elaine May, Will Ferrell, or the Christopher Guest road company you are putting too much comedy burden on the actors. It’s not their job. It’s not their gift.

I think we all saw an example last week of just how funny Michael Richards is when allowed to improvise. How beloved would Kramer be if Richards had free reign over that character?

This format does work for a couple of shows. I love THE OFFICE (primarily scripted but with some leeway) and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM. But at their core are supremely funny people like Steve Carell and Larry David. And even then, these shows can be uneven. CURB seems to be running out of gas, and I worry that THE OFFICE relies so much on getting laughs from people caught in awkward and embarrassing situations that it might start to get old. I hope they can keep it fresh because like I said, I really enjoy that show.

I did improv for many years. Still do on occasion. I’m pretty good at it. Very quick. But even in my best days I was nowhere near good enough to be a performer on network television. I’m going to do the same job as Ted Danson? Not a chance.

And likewise, I’m sure if you asked Ted to improvise a half hour show that will make ten million strangers laugh he couldn’t do it to save his life. Which is fine because he’s not supposed to. He’s an amazing comic actor.

I agree the old multi-camera sitcom style is stale. But I blame that more on bad writing, mediocre network approved casts, reliance on research, and suffocating interference. SEINFELD was multi-camera. So was FRIENDS, FRASIER, RAYMOND, and any number of shows that still hold up as being really funny. Audiences count the guffaws, not the cameras.

The trick is not to make a sitcom different, it’s to make one BETTER. Whatever the number of cameras, style, or technique. And it all goes back to getting the funniest people you can and allowing them to make the funniest show they can, doing the thing they do best.

In the words of the “Great One”, Jackie Gleason: comedy is the most exacting form of dramatic art, because it has an instant critic: laughter.

Notice he didn't say "smiles".

Dreamgirls

The way to showbiz stardom is not winning a reality show, it’s becoming a runner up. With the release of DREAMGIRLS, Jennifer Hudson’s career will skyrocket past Fantasia’s. Fellow loser, Diana DeGarmo has a nifty Broadway career and will probably eclipse Fantasia too. (Fantasia’s already done the MOW on her life. That’s usually the last stop until Disney on Ice). Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard is eating Clay Aiken’s dust (even with the bad haircut).

And it’s not just AMERICAN IDOL contestants. SURVIVOR winner, Richard Hatch is rotting in jail while runner-up, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a co-host on THE VIEW (although in this case, I’d rather be Richard).

But of all these close-but-no-cigar players, none will take off like Jennifer Hudson when DREAMGIRLS is released. Her performance was nothing short of mind blowing. I know Jennifer Holiday wowed ‘em on Broadway in this role, but when Hudson (it’s hard to keep my Jennifer H’s straight) sings the big show stopping number it’s as thrilling an experience as you are likely to have in a movie this year. The audience cheered loudly, which is always odd to me because you’re cheering at a screen. Jennifer can’t hear you, folks!!

The movie itself was terrific. When Dreamworks was hyping it with teasers in the theaters a year ago even before they shot one foot of film, I was leery. Recent memories of the giant misfires that were RENT and THE PRODUCERS danced through my head. But writer/director, Bill Condon really pulled it off. DREAMGIRLS is the Supremes meet CHICAGO. It has Oscar written all over it, unless the movie is a bomb and then it’s like “what the hell were they thinking?’ But I got a feeling the movie will be a hit. It’s a little long (I make that complaint so often these days I should just get a stamp), but vibrant and visually exciting throughout. I imagine even the coveted “youth market” will go for this film because a lot of the songs are those Whitney Houston type big belting “Believe in yourself, Follow your dream, The only way I can be me for you is to be me for me” numbers. And Beyonce. Hard to imagine Beyonce not being the best singer in the movie, but even as number two she kicks ass. And she looks scrumptious. Diana Ross never looked that good even in her prime and with all the air brushing in the world.

The third girl, Anika Noni Rose, was also great but so overshadowed by the other two I don’t think even her parents noticed she was in the movie.

Jaimie Foxx played the part Billy D. Williams would have played twenty years ago. Loretta Devine, one of the original DREAMGIRLS, had a small part, a nice nod to the Broadway production. And John Cenatiempo as Thug #1 gave his usual solid performance.

But the real pleasant surprise was Eddie Murphy. Even if this movie sells only three tickets he will get an Oscar nomination, and probably a win. Not only is his acting superb and comic timing impeccable, but Jesus, he can really SING. Think Marvin Gaye before his father shot him. You watch him in DREAMGIRLS and say, “Eddie, what the hell are you doing wasting your talent prancing around in fat suits doing fart jokes?”

The movie musical is once again alive. And if Hollywood wants to do a big screen version of JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons, might I suggest casting Bo Bice, Boston Rob, Chris Daughtry, and Johnny Fairplay.

Casino Royale

James Bond is back. Daniel Craig is so good he’ll make you forget all about George Lazenby.

And every other Bond other sans Sean Connery.

CASINO ROYALE was terrific. A little long but great action sequences (that didn’t depend on gadgets) and a Bond girl you could actually believe is smart (unlike the time we were asked to buy that Denise Richards was a nuclear scientist, the single greatest conceit in motion picture history). Eva Green was radiant, and more important, nude in most of Bertolucci’s 2003 release, THE DREAMERS – just ordered from Amazon.

How refreshing that the stakes in CASINO ROYALE were real. There was no madman plot for world domination, no giant secret compound/fortress/Norad that served as the super villain’s lair. (I always wondered how such mega complexes could be constructed and thousands of gun toting guards could be hired without anyone knowing about it. I mean, how did they get the building permits approved?) The Magoffin was $150,000,000 – which is not pocket change but still less than it cost to make the movie.

But the revelation was Craig.

I never bought Roger Moore. I’m sorry, James Bond does not have liver spots. Moore probably needed a stunt double to do his walking scenes. Timothy Dalton never lived up to his potential from THE ROCKETEER. And Pierce Brosnan was good but a little too slick and pretty. Like the Fox television version of 007. If Brosnan wasn’t available they’d insist on Rob Lowe.

Craig however, was real, he was gritty, and I mean this as a genuine compliment -- an asshole sometimes. You really saw how that job takes its toll on you, both physically and psychically. Although I understand it’s still an easier job than being a staff writer on CYBILL.

With CASINO ROYALE I feel the producers saved the franchise. And just in the nick of time. Because in 2006, James Bond’s biggest rival isn’t Goldfinger, or Ernst Blowfeld, or Dr. No. It’s Jack Bauer.

*****
I'm in a movie reviewing mood. Tomorrow -- DREAMGIRLS.

Maui memories

Usually we go to Hawaii for Christmas. We're not this year, but it's enough to be able to relive past trips. Here's our sojourn from 2001.

*******
"NO SIGHTSEEING!" That's what the kids said when we first piled into our rental car on Maui. No bike rides down crators, no twenty mile scenic drives through the most gorgeous countryside imaginable. I was thrilled. Welcome to another Levine vacation.

This year we went to Maui. Usually we go to the KaHollywood Manderin Oriental Asian but this year they wanted to put us on a waiting list (despite going there for many years). Amazingly, on Sept. 12 they called with the joyous news that rooms were suddenly available. Could they book us for ten days? Or fifty? But by then we had made other plans. Went to the Grand Wailea on Maui but could only get in for five nights so made arrangements to move up the road to the Renaissance (about which we heard good things). That was a mistake but more on that later.

The Grand Wailea is a true luxury resort but HUGE. It should be called the MGM Grand Wailea. Gorgeous accomodations and a sprawling compound. Lagoons, spas, thirty million dollars in sculptures that no one notices and is primarily used as jungle gyms for kids, its own chapel (tan with Jesus), exclusive shops with prices that were staggeringly ridiculous. You'd have a better shot finding a Jew in the Chapel than at the cashier stand of one of these stores. But the big attraction is water slides. My wife could be on those things all day.

Another exclusive feature is their Grand Spa where a massage is just part of the package. Unfortunately the other part is not a "happy ending". It's an absurd beginning. You're invited to go through a series of kelp baths, loofah sponge baths (administered by a guy named Thor), sea salt exfoliation treatment, and a Japanese Furo bath. You're then offered a selection of massages. My favorite: they pour hot oil on your forehead. All this for only five times what a normal massage would cost (WITH a happy ending). Plus, there is a handout of "spa etiquette". Among the entries: "menstraual cycle ladies on their cycle are asked not to utilize the Terme. The Terme may be used on a seperate day".

Their thatched hut tropical lagoon restaurant is actually named (this is no joke) Humuhumunukunukuapua's. Annie says when she goes on SURVIVOR that's going to be her tribe's name. Lobster at $38 a pound, two pound minimum. Not a lot of Jews there either.

Saw a woman with two cellphones. That was new. Fashion tip: women who could pass for Fran Drescher or K.D. Lang should not wear bikinis. And no guy should wear Speedos. I needed a hot oil forehead massage after one day of gazing at this crowd.

Christmas is always a time of tradition at the Grand Wailea. Japanese carolers in the lobby did their best with "Have a Jolly Holly Christmas". You can imagine.

No Hollywood celebrity sighting. We did bump into Mariner relief ace Jeff Nelson and saw more of a sighting of him than we would have liked. We were all in the ocean when a big wave pulled down his bathing suit affording us a moon I'm sure was intended for the New York Yankees.

Alas, on the 26th we moved to the Marriott Renaissance. If the Grand Wailea is a world class hotel, the Renaissance is where KRTH winners stay. And the appalling thing is that they charge practically the SAME as the Grand Wailea with practically none of the amenities. I guess it's Marriott's attempt at luxury and in their mind it's the chain's crown jewel along with the Courtyard in City of Industry. No fear of bumping into big Hollywood celebrities here. Even UPN executives would rather go to the Travelodge up the road. We stayed in the refurbished Tiki Tacky wing.

Their spa treatment was somewhat more streamlined than the Grand Wailea. Cabana boys will rub you down if no one wants an umbrella plunged into the sand.

But much better snorkling at the Renaissance. And scuba lessons when the cabana boys get done setting up the chairs.

Friday night is luau night. All the big hotels (and the Renaissance) hold luas complete with poi, tropical drinks, lots of pork (you do see Jews here) and shows for the tourists. We strolled along the shore and sampled all the shows. At the Grand Wailea hula dancers swayed to a medley of some traditional Hawaiian song and the Battle Hymn of the Republic. At the Outrigger there was an authentic Somoan fire-eater who twirled flaming batons (and you wonder what kind of careers are out there for majorettes...). Finally, the Renaissance where cabana boys on the main stage cut papayas. I couldn't help but notice there were no Hawaiian comics. Although one emcee did ask "how many of you are from out of town?"

All in all another spectacular vacation and it was great to have the whole family together for a week. Hope your holidays were just as nice.

And now we have Marriott points so we can stay a night free at their luxury resort in Lubbock, Texas.

Thanksgiving leftovers

I have a new tag line for ABC's DAY BREAK: "What if you could live one day over and over again and it happened to be the day you watched GROUNDHOG DAY?"

Denmark has a GREAT new way to get motorists to adhere to the speed limits. I like this so much better than radar guns.

I loved CASINO ROYALE and will offer my thoughts on Monday.

Saw the trailer for ROCKY BALBOA. Everyone in the theatre laughed and booed. When is Stallone going to give it up? It's sad already. Like watching 80 year old Paul Anka sing "Puppy Love".

Robert Altman was one of the great American directors. He never won an Oscar for directing. And yet Kevin Costner has. Maybe next year for PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION had some laughs but was nowhere near WAITING FOR GUFFMAN or BEST IN SHOW. The Christopher Guest movies have become sketches that are stretched out to the point of Joan River's skin. And am I the only one who finds Eugene Levy one-note and tiresome?

O.J. Simpson said he was doing the new book and reprehensible special for "blood money", to provide for his children financially. Yeah, it's all for the kids. The man's in the holiday spirit already!

Guess I'm not the only one who didn't love THE FOUNTAIN. Neither did the LA Times. Yes, there are some critics who praised it (not many) but I chose to focus on this one.

You will not find me in a mall from now until January 2nd. And not in a Target until February.

TV LAND has announced its 100 greatest TV lines. The medium should be proud. Included are: "Aaay!" (Fonzie, Happy Days), "Bam!" (Emeril), "De plane! De plane!" (Fantasy Island), "Denny Crane" (Boston Legal), "Heh heh..." (Beavis & Butthead), "Holy crap!" (Everybody Loves Raymond), and my favorite, "Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, The Brady Bunch. Oh, and Kennedy's "Ask not what your country can do for you" speech is also included.

STRANGER THAN FICTION is fun while you're watching it. Then you go home and realize NONE of this made any sense. But you could say the same thing for THE BIG SLEEP. I'd recommend both.

Spotted in Westwood: a giant Hummer with a handicap placard.

Michael Richards should never speak unless Larry David writes his dialogue. He can apologize all he wants. He's an idiot. And not funny.

God, I'm sick of turkey.

The Honeymooners

We all have our own cherished Thanksgiving traditions. Enjoying Grandma’s famous stuffing recipe (which oddly tastes a lot like Stove Top), the game of touch football on the lawn (they still talk about the year Uncle Ed’s stitches came loose), weird cousin Marla’s holiday decorations (festive paper turkeys with hatchets), everyone bringing their favorite dish, renewing the argument over whether cousin Marla should be hospitalized, etc. My fondest tradition was watching THE HOONEYMOONERS marathon on one of the local LA channels. The last few years it’s been discontinued but thanks to DVD’s, I now own all 39 classic episodes and can gleefully watch them again for the nine millionth time.

Produced in 1955 for one season only, THE HONEYMOONERS remains my favorite all-time sitcom. I don’t think there’s ever been a more inspired cast than Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, and Audrey Meadows. And Joyce Randolph was okay too.

I wonder what people in their 20’s would think of the show. Would it seem too retro? Would the black-and-white cause a disconnect? Would the comedy still hold up? I’d like to think it would. I’d like to think any generation would marvel at Art Carney demonstrating a golf swing, or Jackie Gleason learning to mambo.

If you’ve never seen THE HONEYMOONERS, or haven’t in a long time, I invite you to get the DVD collection and have your own Thanksgiving marathon. But JUST the classic 39 episodes. The collected sketches from Gleason’s variety show or the “lost episodes” don’t hold up. But those 39, for my money, are sitcom perfection. I’d be interested to hear what you think.

Some of my favorite episodes are:

The Golfer
Better Living Through TV
Oh, my Aching Back
The $99,000 Answer
Young at Heart
Unconventional Behavior
Hello, Mom

I bet as you read this I’m watching one of them right now.

Happy sitcom Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. I look forward to the holiday, never writing about it. Every sitcom I’ve ever worked on, we’ve had the obligatory Thanksgiving episode. How many variations can you have on the big family dinner going awry? I think I’ve written the “turkey gets burned”, “relatives clash”, “nutty friends invited”, “can’t find a restaurant”, “kids break something”, “Guess who’s Coming to Dinner variation, “Meet the Parents variation”,“football gambler loses big”, “tofu turkey substitute”, “someone accidentally gets dragged seven blocks by the Mr. Potato Head balloon”, “mom’s a terrible cook”, “relative accidentally not invited”, “someone is allergic to something in the stuffing and has a funny seizure”, “power outage”, “thawing frozen turkey last minute”, “food fight”, and “the pilgrim re-enactment” episode fifteen times.

Hopefully, none of these things will happen to you this turkey day. And if they do, at least you’ll have your ACCORDING TO JIM spec script halfway written.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading this blog.

The Santa Claus Lane Parade

When I was a kid growing up in LA, the Thanksgiving weekend always began Wednesday night with the annual Santa Claus Lane Parade down Hollywood Blvd. I looked forward to it every year. Unlike parades with elaborate floats and impressive marching bands, this had Hollywood B-actors, second bananas, local fringe celebrities riding in cars with their names hand painted on the sides, and a few 100 year old guys from an American Legion Post playing trombones. The big finale was the arrival of Santa Claus, usually on a float that looked like a Cub Scout project gone horribly wrong.

The parade began in 1928 as a way to lure shoppers to Hollywood. In the 30’s and 40’s big stars would participate. It was the only time Bette Davis would get within a hundred yards of real people. In 1946, the parade inspired Gene Autry to write “Here Comes Santa Claus, Right Down Santa Clause Lane”.

By the 50’s the luster had worn off and instead of Natalie Wood you’d see the kid who played Whitey on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. Once Bing Crosby was the Grand Marshal. By the late 50’s it was Oscar Levant who by then had a local TV talk show on KCOP, Channel 13. I was never sure if he was waving to the crowd or just having another seizure.

The parade was always televised locally on KTTV, Channel 11 in black-and-white, hosted by Bill Welsh. He’d interview all the “stars” as they passed. That was my favorite part. How do you ask Gypsy Boots what his next project was with a straight face? Gypsy Boots was a local health nut who dressed ridiculously and did anything he could to draw attention to himself. He was the Melrose Larry of his day. His next “project”??? Appear in next year’s parade.

Bill once asked Monty Montana, who had appeared in a bunch of B Westerns, what his next project was? His answer: giving a lasso demonstration at a local elementary school.

I was nine years old. I found this hysterical. Tomorrow I would watch the Macy’s Parade and there would be the original Broadway cast of WEST SIDE STORY, elaborate floats, a 200 member marching band from Ohio State, and those magnificent giant balloons. But tonight I was seeing Bill Welsh ask Iron Eyes Cody about his new book.

I never actually went to the Santa Claus Lane Parade. My parents were not about to wade through a million people so I could see local newscaster, George Putnam, on a horse. But I didn’t care. It was a TV event anyway.

The parade has been renamed the Hollywood Lane Parade and is now on Sunday night. And KTLA, Channel 5 televises it with Bob Eubanks and usually Lee Meriwether. It’s in color. It’s syndicated. It’s not as good. But every so often there’s a flash of the parade’s past cheesy greatness. The 2000 Co-Grand Marshals were Frankie Muniz and Dennis Hopper.

I love holiday traditions. Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Fountain

People ask me why I do a blog and I’ve never had a good answer…until now. If I can save even one person from going to see THE FOUNTAIN then I’ve provided a real public service. Yes, I know I’m going to take a lot of heat in the comments section but I don't care. Some things are too important and warning the population is something I just feel morally bound to do.

As I watched this quest for eternal life I wanted to kill myself.

For you Los Angeles readers, my wife said it was a 90 minute KCRW ad. In other words, artsy-fartsy, overblown, dialogue as bad and stilted as STAR WARS: EPISODE I and GLEN OR GLENDA, and making no sense whatsoever. An utter mish-mash. A complete disaster. It achieved the near impossible, it made Rachel Weisz look bad. And the writer-director, Darren Aronofsky, is her husband! She should sue for spousal abuse.

At least SHOWGIRLS had nudity. And stupifying lines like: "it must be weird, not having anybody cum on you."

Aronofsky is the Emperor’s New Genius. It’s one thing when he makes five-million dollar bizarre little art films. So what if nobody knows what the hell is going on? Everybody’s stoned. It’s the midnight show at the local revival theater, part of a double bill with PINK FLAMINGO. But a $53 million studio holiday release? What was anybody thinking? Forget that THE FOUNTAIN is not remotely commercial. Even the art crowd thinks it’s a turd. It was rejected by Cannes, the New York Film Festival, and when it showed at the Venice Film Festival it received loud angry boos – and these people think every Woody Allen movie is a masterpiece.

When directors start thinking of themselves not as storytellers but “artists” you can almost bet another FOUNTAIN will be hatched. When they want to become the next Kubrick give them a wide berth. If you hear the words “metaphysical journey”, “exploring unanswerable questions”, and “Mayan mythology” RUN!

I saw it at a screening where Aronofsky participated in a Q&A afterwards. He was asked what the theme of the movie was, and he said, “he didn’t know.” HE DIDN’T KNOW???? $53 million dollars and he didn’t know? He said he was still discovering it and that’s the cool part.

Knowing your theme is the first thing they teach you in the Beginning Screenwriting Course at the Learning Annex… for only $53 dollars.

Admirers will say if you want to be challenged by a movie see THE FOUNTAIN. I say see THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

Let the debate begin!