By Ken Levine

Best & Worst of 2006 Continued

WORST HAIRCUT – Clay Aiken BEST TV DRAMA – (tie) 24 and LOST (I know many disagree but I'm still hooked and where else are you going to see Evangeline Lily trapped in a cage?)

WORST TV DRAMA – THE VIEW

BEST CATFIGHT – Paris Hilton & Shanna Moakier

BEST NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE – Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock.

WORST COMMERCIAL – HeadOn headache remedy

BEST EDWARD R. MURROW IMPERSONATOR – Keith Olberman

BEST NEWCOMER – Jennifer Hudson

WORST BOOK – JUNIOR by Macaulay Culkin. In the intro he so accurately states: “I am not a writer.”

BEST NEW MYSTERY WRITER – Jesse Kellerman

BEST PLAY – HISTORY BOYS

WORST MOVIE FROM A PLAY – HISTORY BOYS

BEST REPORTER'S QUESTION TO A CELEBRITY – Meatloaf, promoting his new CD in June, was asked if he had ever rolled around in his own feces. That's how you win the Pulitzer!

WORST ANOREXIC – Nicole Richie

BEST GYLLENHAAL -- Maggie

BEST COMEBACK – Senator Joe Lieberman

WORST COMEBACK – Rocky Balboa

BEST YOUTUBE VIDEO -- Brokeback to the Future

WORST DEFENSE OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER – Long time Penn State coach, Joe Paterno defended an opponent player accused of sexual assault by saying, “He may not have known what he was getting into… a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do?

BEST TRAILER – SPIDERMAN 3

BEST SURVIVING MEMBER OF THE WHO – Roger Daltry

BEST DVD – SIX FEET UNDER

WORST DVD – MAMA’S FAMILY

BEST BOBBLEHEAD DOLL – Canada litigator, Sheila Block of Torys LLP.

BEST FIRST HALF OF A MOVIE – THANK YOU FOR SMOKING

WORST ASSHOLE – Mel Gibson

BEST ANTI-SEMITE – Mel Gibson

BEST MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL MARKETING PROMOTION -- The Altoona Curve held “Frivolous Lawsuit Night”.

BEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN -- Lewis Black

WORST STAND-UP COMEDIAN – Michael Richards

WORST SHOT – Dick Cheney

BEST RADIO STATION – XM’s 60’s on 6.

WORST RADIO STATION – New York’s Jack-FM

WORST CASTING IDEA – An Indian film director is trying to persuade Paris Hilton to play the role of young Mother Teresa.

BEST NATIONAL SPORTSCASTER – Jon Miller

WORST NATIONAL SPORTSCASTER – Brent Musburger

WORST SURVIVOR WINNER -- Richard Hatch. Now serving four years in prison for not reporting his million dollar winnings. Guess he didn't realize that the show was televised. 90 more days for being stupid.

BEST PERSONAL APPEARANCE -- Cocaine hoarding/false robbery reporting Boy George sentenced to five days of street sweeping in New York City. If you can make it there...

BEST ACTOR IN A MOVIE – Peter O’Toole

BEST ACTRESS IN A MOVIE – Helen Mirren

BEST OF BILL PAXTON’S WIVES ON “BIG LOVE” – Chloe Sevigny

BEST ACTOR IN A THANKLESS ROLE – Chip Zien as first guy killed in UNITED 93. Spent the rest of the movie on the floor.

BEST HONOR – Me being named TIME MAGAZINE’S “Man of the Year”. I mean, to be singled out like that…wow.

Best & Worst of 2006

Everyone else has their year end bests and worsts, and since I’m Time Magazine’s Man of the Year I thought someone might be interested in mine. So here they are (with a little help and input from my daughter, Annie). WORST MAGAZINE COVER – Britney Spears pregnant and naked. Demi Moore she’s not. Dinty Moore she’s not. BEST MOVIE FROM A MUSICAL – DREAMGIRLS

BEST MUSICAL FROM A MOVIE – EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

BEST MOVIE FROM A TV SHOW – BORAT

BEST TV SHOW FROM A MOVIE – FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

BEST DIVORCE – Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

BEST MYSTERY DISEASE ON “HOUSE” -- Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy

BEST ROSE PARADE CO-HOST WHO WON'T BE HOSTING BECAUSE SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO GROW OLDER WHILE HER OLDER-STILL MALE COUNTERPART WHO HAS LESS TALENT KEPT HIS JOB -- Stephanie Edwards

BEST ACTOR IN A TV DRAMA – Hugh Laurie

BEST ACTOR WHO NEVER WINS ANYTHING – Forest Whitaker

BEST RESTAURANT – Roy’s in Oahu

WORST QUOTE (or maybe THE BEST?) -- From the distinguished Senator, Trent Lott: “Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me.”

BEST KID ACTOR WHO HOPEFULLY WON’T GROW UP AND BECOME OBNOXIOUS – Abigail Breslin

BEST CELEBRITY ACCIDENT – Keith Richards falling out of a tree.

WORST CELEBRITY ACCIDENT – Steve Irwin stung to death by a stingray

BEST BOOK ON THE INDUSTRY -- "Hello, the Agent Lied" by Ian Gurvitz

WORST BOOK ON THE INDUSTRY -- The Teri Hatcher alibi-ography

BEST TV COMEDY – THE OFFICE

WORST TV COMEDY – Anything on Fox that's not a cartoon.

WORST TIMING – Vegas billionaire Steve Wynn accidentally punched a hole in his Picasso painting one day after finalizing a deal to sell it for $139 million.

WORST INVESTMENT – The Boston Red Sox paying $70 million for J.D. Drew. If only Steve Wynn had punched HIM.

BEST SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODEL – Michelle Alves

WORST SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODEL – whichever one is married

BEST IWO JIMA MOVIE – LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

WORST MOVIE THEATER IN LOS ANGELES -- The NuWilshire

BEST JAMES BOND SINCE SEAN CONNERY – Daniel Craig

WORST FUNDRAISING STUNT – SAVED BY THE BELL star, Dustin Diamond, tried to make up his $250,000 debt by marketing his own homemade sex tape. Maybe if it was Elizabeth Berkley.

BEST TRUMAN CAPOTE MOVIE SINCE “CAPOTE” – INFAMOUS

BEST SEAT IN THE ROSE BOWL -- Your couch in front of the TV.

BEST REMAKE – CASINO ROYALE

WORST REMAKE -- POSEIDON

BEST SEQUEL – MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3

WORST SEQUEL – CLERKS 2

BEST MODEL ON “DEAL OR NO DEAL” – Third row, second from the left.

WORST HOWARD STERN IMPERSONATORS -- Opie & Anthony

BEST RADIO MORNING SHOW -- Kevin & Bean, KROQ, Los Angeles

WORST PARENT – Britney Spears

WORST BROADWAY MUSICAL – THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN’ Bob Dylan’s hits in a circus motif. Title should have been “Springtime for Zimmerman”.

BEST BROADWAY MUSICAL – SPRING AWAKENING

BEST BLOG READER -- You

The rest tomorrow...

How to pitch pilots

There was a recent article in the LA TIMES about a new UCLA course aimed at teaching future “showrunners” how to pitch pilots to networks. Students are paired up, and then have to pitch invited industry representatives. They learn the length a pitch should be, how to hit the high points, what to stress (spoiler alert: Passion), what to avoid, even how to dress (think upscale BBQ), but guys, come on, isn’t this course just a little premature? By five years?

This is like giving actors who have not yet gotten their first job a course in how to handle press junkets when their next big movie comes out. You’re placing the cart so far in front of the horse that the horse can’t even see the cart.

Don’t concentrate on learning to pitch. Concentrate on learning to write. No network will hear your pitch if they’re not comfortable you can execute your idea.

In the article one of the students, a former attorney now an intern at Touchstone who produces a comedy show in Beverly Hills (whatever that means) wants to create a hit sitcom. Considering the amount of television she consumes, she says, “There’s no job in the world for which I am better qualified.” Huh????? What???? Considering the number of baseball games I watch, there is no one more qualified to pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers than me.

Take WRITING classes. Then take advanced WRITING classes. If you’re lucky enough to meet real showrunners, ask them about their process, not how did they pitch their shows. The truth is, when you’ve graduated to the level where networks will agree to hear your new series idea, your agent can teach you how to pitch. Or the studio exec with whom you will doubtless be partnered. And your mom can teach you how to dress for a BBQ.

If you want proof of my theory, watch any Dodger game. Until you see me on the mound, suck it up and finish that spec NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE.

Tomorrow my Bests and Worsts of 2006

Dancin' Homer

I get a lot of requests for reprints of Levine/Isaacs scripts. So here is a portion of one of our SIMPSONS, “Dancin’ Homer”, dated 6/05/90. Notice that we had to be very detailed in our descriptions so the artists would have some sense of what we envisioned.

**********

EXT. STADIUM – EVENING

We open on a large stadium marquee that reads:

“SPRINGFIELD WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM, “ ‘TONIGHT BASEBALL, SPRINGFIELD ISOTOPES VS. SHELBYVILLE SHELBYVILLIANS, “ “NUCLEAR POWER PLANT FAMILY NIGHT, “ “SUNDAY AFTERNOON – COHEN BAR MITZVAH.”

A bus driven by OTTO comes roaring by the screen as it enters the stadium parking lot and screeches to a stop. We hear a blaring police car go by.

OTTO
Oooh, well, I think we lost ‘em. (LOOKING AROUND) Hey, and we’re at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out!

There’s a loud CHEER from the bus.

INT. BUS – CONTINUOUS

It is crammed with excited NUCLEAR POWER PLANT EMPLOYEES AND THEIR FAMILIES, all with hats, pennants, thermoses, flasks, gloves, etc. THE SIMPSONS are jammed into two rows. Everyone starts to disembark.

ON THE SIMPSONS

As they cross with other fans to the front gate. BART has a mitt, LISA a transistor radio; MAGGIE wears a little baseball cap and uniform jumper. They pass souvenir stands and PROGRAM VENDORS. All the EMPLOYEES who work at the ball park are rundown and toothless.

HOMER
You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues, one day.

BART
What? Aren’t we going to see any washed-up major leaguers?

HOMER
Sure, we get a nice mix here.

LISA
I can’t think of a better place to spend a balmy summer’s night than the old ball yard. There’s just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

HOMER
(CHUCKLES) Lisa, honey, you’re forgetting the beer. It comes in seventy-two ounce tubs here.

MARGE
I hope you’ll space out the tubs this year, Homer.

HOMER
(DEFENSIVE) What are you getting at?

MARGE
Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.

HOMER
Marge, (HOLDING UP THE TICKET) this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it also gives me the right – no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

ENTRANCE TO STADIUM

MR. BURNS and SMITHERS, who holds 3x5 index “prompt” cards, are perched at the gate, greeting the employees and their families, including THE GAMMILLS from “No Disgrace Like Home”.

BURNS
Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you.

GAMMILL
You’re an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.

BURNS
(CHUCKLES) Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

Gammill and his brood kow tow and move on.

BURNS
(TO SMITHERS) Put a little smile on his card, Smithers.

SMITHERS
Already there, sir.

Burns spots the Simpsons as they approach. Smithers grabs a card and whispers in Burns’ ear.

SMITHERS
The Simpsons, sir.

BURNS
Ah, well, if it isn’t the Simps.

HOMER
Uh… Simp-sons, sir.

BURNS
(CONSULTING CARD) Hmm, oh , yes… Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and “Expecting”.

SMITHER
(SOTTO) The card needs to be updated, sir.

Burns grumbles.

HOMER
Oh, that’s okay. The baby’s name isn’t important. Let’s go, Marge.

BURNS
Very well. (CHUCKLES) Take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

The Simpsons enter the park.

EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS

It’s a typical wooden bandbox minor league ball park, seating maybe five thousand. Ringing the outfield wall are the usual billboards filled with local advertisements: “Springfield Savings – Safe from 1890-1986, 1988-“; “His Royal Majesty Clothing for the Obese or Gangly Gentleman”; “Moe’s Tavern – Hit this sign and win a free well drink”.

The only concession to the modern era is the JumboVision board in left field, which dwarfs the rest of the stadium. The PLAYERS are on the field, leisurely taking batting and infield practice as the stadium organist plays “ALEXANDER’S RAGTIME BAND”.

BART
Oh, wow – there’s Flash Bailor! I gotta get his authograph! He used to be a star.

FLASH BAILOR

He is playing catch. He’s 45, arrogant, and terribly out of shape. He looks like a giant pear. Bart leans over the railing, holding out a ball and a pen.

BART
Hey, Flash! Will ya sign my ball?

FLASH
No.

Bart rejoins the family.

BART
(MUMBLING) Lousy, washed-up, broken-down… old tub of guts… who does he think he is anyway?

HOMER
What’s the matter, boy?

BART
He wouldn’t sign my ball.

MARGE
Well, he’s a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!

Bart flips her the ball and, with great resolve, she marches down the aisle to the field.

PLAYER #1
Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail heading this way.

FLASH
Hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?

EXT. PARK – STANDS – A LITTLE LATER

Marge rejoins the family, holding the ball.

MARGE
Here you go, Bart.

She hands the ball to Bart.

BART
(READING) “Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26… How ‘bout it? – Flash.”

HOMER
Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife! (IMPRESSED) You’ve still got the magic, Marge.

MARGE
(SMALL GIGGLE)

EXT. BALL PARK – MOMENTS LATER

The plant employees are positioned way down the right field line in the bleachers. There’s a filled section of them… and just a mere sprinkling of other fans throughout the park. There are two empty seats next to the Simpsons. Lisa is holding up Maggie.

HOMER
(TO LISA) What are you doing?

LISA
Trying to get Maggie on the JumboVision.

SERIES OF QUICK CUTS – GRANDSTAND

We see that HUNDREDS OF BABIES are being held up.

BART
(POINTING) Hey, Dad, look!

Homer glances up.

HOMER
Whoa!

ON JUMBOVISION BOARD

Homer fills the screen. He stands up and waves with both hands.

HOMER
Hey, everybody! How you doing? Look at me! I’m Homer Simpson! Heh… heh.

Bart leans into frame and raises two fingers behind Homer’s head. The JumboVision camera starts to pull in on Homer’s open fly.

MARGE
(QUIETLY) Homer… Homer.. X.Y.Z.

HOMER
Examine my zipper? Why? (HOMER LOOKS DOWN) Whoops!

Homer, still on the screen, turns away, zips up his fly and receives a nice OVATION from the crowd.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(HEAVILY ECHOED) Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight’s first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nations’ safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Burns and Smithers drive up to the mound in a golf cart that looks like a big baseball. Burns waves to the crowd. There is a slight SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE. As the golf cart brakes, divots of turf fly.

SMITHERS
Ah, they love you, sir.

BURNS
Heh, heh. As well they might. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the “trouble ball” of the great Satchel Paige. Spit on this for me, Smither.

Burns hands Smithers the ball.

SMITHERS
One hocker coming up, sir.

Burns rocks into his wind-up.

ON THE SIMPSONS

Who are heckling Burns from their very safe distance.

HOMER
Hey, Burns! Hey, “Rag Arm”!

BART
You throw like my sister, man!

LISA
Yeah, you throw like me!

They LAUGH conspiratorially.

BACK TO BURNS

He wheels and deals. He loses his balance and the ball goes maybe six feet before trickling to a stop.

SMITHERS
I think I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.

BURNS
Oh, shut up.

Homer and Bart are roaring with LAUGHTER. They can barely contain themselves.

BART
What a lame-o!

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen:, to honor America, will you please rise for our National Anthem…

Homer quickly composes himself.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
…sung tonight by Springfield’s rhythm n’ blues sensation, “Bleeding Bums” Murphy.

BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY steps up to the microphone at home plate. We see the scoreboard clock behind him reads 7:30. Bleeding Gums launches into a wildly improvisational version of the National Anthem.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “O-oo-hhhhhhhhh… Oh Saaaaayyyyyy can you…” -- I’m askin’ – “Can you s-e-e-e? … by the d-a-a-a-a-a-wn’s”

DISSOVLE TO:

EXT. BALL PARK - NIGHT

Bleeding Gums is still singing. The clock on the scoreboard now reads 7:46.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “…and the rocket’s red glareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …the bombs burstin’ … shoot it out… poppin’way up in the air… rrrrrrrrrrr.”

At this, there is mild SCATTERED APPLAUSE from the crowd.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “And.. the home.. of the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e … brave-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!”

We see the Simpsons amid the crowd. Exhausted the flop into their chairs.

INT. PRESS BOX - CONTINUOUS

DAN HOARD, wearing a loud multi-colored jacket, is at the mike.

DAN HOARD
Hi-de-hi, Springfield! Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight – our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The ‘Topes are looking to snap that darn twenty-six game losing streak, longest in professional baseball. How ‘bout that? -- Our sleepy town is in the record book!

************
Trivia note: I played the voice of “Dan Hoard”. Dan Hoard was my broadcast partner in Syracuse when I was a minor league announcer. He's now the voice of University of Cincinnati football and basketball.

I love L.A... this week

The best week of the year in Los Angeles is always this one, the final seven days of the year.

First of all, the town is practically empty. Most people from the industry are gone, terrorizing the help in Hawaii and Aspen. There’s very little traffic. You can actually make the fifteen minute drive between Brentwood and LAX on the 405 Freeway in only forty minutes. It’s like you’re flying! Hard to get into restaurants? Not this week. Spago will even make reservations for people they don’t know. And at 7:00 not 10:30. (Unfortunately, their chefs are probably in Aspen and Hawaii.)

Los Angeles is so deserted I heard of a friend who found a parking place at the Grove shopping mall. But that’s still just a rumor.

Talent and literary agencies remain closed until after the Sundance Festival in late January. They stay open for three days and then it's time to get a jump on Presidents Weekend so they're closed again until the Oscarcast.

For industry guild folks who have not fled to the slopes to break bread and legs with our Governor, there is the perk of free movies. In the hopes of snaring nominations from any organization that gives out awards (even the WGA), studios let eligible voters and guests attend contending movies gratis. It’s also their way of giving back to the community. However, the nanosecond the nominations are announced this lovely gesture ends instantly.

Most of the city’s attention this week is on the upcoming Rose Parade and Bowl. If you have six friends over to your apartment to play poker, the Rose Queen and her court will come and speak to your group.

The Rose Bowl traditionally pits the champion of the Pac 10 with the champion of the Big 10. It’s always a big deal, “the Granddaddy of Bowl Games”. This year, with USC and Michigan disappointed that they’re not playing in the national championship game, it’s a consolation prize and no big whoop for either school. So the anticipation and excitement equals that of the WNBA finals.

Every year fans from the Big 10 representative flood into Southern Californa. They’re easy to spot. They’re always the nicest people you’ve ever met and they’re always wearing school shirts and hats. I’m beginning to think they come to LA for a week with only that one outfit.

Highlight of the Rose Bowl festivities is the Lawry’s Beef Bowl. Lawry’s is the greatest prime rib restaurant in the world (a more popular attraction to Japanese tourists than Disneyland). Every year they invite each team and feed them as much prime rib as they can eat. Usually the winning team tops out at around 630 pounds of beef. During the Rose Bowl, you’ll notice half the players sleeping the bench. That’s why.

The New Year's Eve tradition is to watch Dick Clark and experience the year change in tape delay. Unless you have satellite. Then you can watch the East Coast feed in which case you're in 2007 for three hours while the rest of us are still in 2006.

The Rose Parade is Monday morning. On Thursday some idiots will start staking out spots along the parade route. Every local channel will broadcast the parade. KTLA gets a 50 share, everyone else gets a 2. Why these other stations still bother is beyond me. KTLA coverage begins at like 3:00 a.m. Five hours of watching people paste flowers on floats and the idiots from Thursday freezing. KTLA will begin replaying the parade immediately upon its conclusion. Then they replay it again. And again. Sometime around January 15th they return to regular programming.

Bob Eubanks has been hosting the parade since the floats were powered by horses. For many of those years his co-host was Stephanie Edwards, a popular local personality who was mostly known for being the carny for Lucky Markets. Last year she was exiled to sideline duty where she filed cryptic reports in the driving rain. She was replaced in the booth by local KTLA morning news anchor, Michaela Pereira. This caused quite a stir. Most people felt that Michaela was horrible and resented her in that Deborah Norville way for squeezing out our beloved Stephanie. (Fans would show their support for Steph by shopping at Lucky but Lucky no longer exists.) So what is management doing this year? Bob and Michaela are back. And as of this posting I’m not even sure Stephanie will be involved. The outcry will come in the form of ratings. KTLA will probably only get a 47 share. Don’t mess with the citizens of Los Angeles!

Then on New Year’s evening all the locals will go out to dinner, have to wait 45 minutes for a table since the Michigan rooters got there first, and things will return to normal.

So for my fellow Angelinos – enjoy it while you can!

Christmas leftovers

Hope Santa was good to you. Please take your lights down by February.

No one reads a newspaper on Christmas. So it only made sense that the article in the LA TIMES Calendar section that quotes me ran December 25th. It’s about comedy writers not finding STUDIO 60 funny. Others were quoted too. It wasn’t just me. Only thing I would take issue with in the article is that I don't "hate" STUDIO 60. I was disappointed. I hoped it would be better...and still do. Here’s the article.

Went to see Jackie Mason in concert recently. As we were pulling into the parking lot, my daughter, Annie said, “I bet the handicapped spots were taken immediately.”

A film exec, Franklin Leonard, has compiled THE BLACK LIST – a list of the best unproduced screenplays of the year based on recommendations from other studio execs, readers, and agents. Obviously some great work is not hitting the screen while DECK THE HALLS gets made. All of these writers are represented, mostly by the big agencies. And that got me to thinking – how many equal or better screenplays are out there by people who don’t even have an agent? ROCKY BALBOA is not the best Hollywood can produce!

Who do you root for in the “big” feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell? And poor anguished Barbara Walters caught in the middle. If there was ever a cry that as a country we need to “get a life” it’s that the cause of this fracas was a half hour Miss USA press conference that CNN felt the need to air live and in its entirety. Jesus, even replaying the recent NBA brawl for the nine millionth time would’ve been more news worthy.

The William Shatner game show was cancelled. So wait, maybe there is hope for the nation.

For baseball fans – December is officially “players injure themselves in ridiculous home accidents” month.

When will the DVD complete first season of SMITH be out? The sad thing is it will probably be released before the 34 episodes of ALMOST PERFECT.

Am I the only one who cringes at IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE? It makes my teeth hurt.

What a treat hearing Dick Enberg on Westwood One calling Thursday Football on the radio. For my money he’s the best NFL TV announcer ever. And his radio call is even better.

I’ve lost track. Have there been five Iwo Jima movies this year or just four?

Not to be a name dropper, but I happen to know the father of the Rose Queen.

Our holiday greetings

MERRY CHRISTMAS

from the Levine family to yours...

Christmas in Vegas

As you prepare for Christmas and all the holiday traditions, take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of the season. And nowhere is that more present than in Vegas -- Bethlehem with slots. Here's my holiday travelogue from a few Decembers ago. Gather up the whole family and enjoy.

Deb and I just got back from a brief weekend in Las Vegas, or, as I like to call it, "Three Card Monty for the Red States". Many big attractions there this holiday weekend. The annual rodeo, the Anti-Aging conference, the Jose Luis Castillo/Joel Casamayer title bout. But we were there to see Linda Eder. Ms. Eder is a spectacular singer -- Barbra Streisand but at affordable prices and you never have to suffer through "Evergreen". We've become friends with her manager, Dave, who graciously invited us to join him for her concert. Since we likely would have gone to Vegas for Christmas anyway, we gladly accepted.

Stayed at the Mandalay Bay. Dave is also a VP of something for the House of Blues (who knows more about the blues than the Jews?) and arranged for us to get a room on the "House of Blues" floor. It had the two things Debby and I require in a hotel room -- a fabulous view and voodoo decor.

I'm not joking about the annual Anti-Aging conference. But am I the only one who finds it odd to hold an Anti-Aging conference in the one place where people stay up all hours drinking, gorging, smoking, and enduring the enormous stress of losing their money? I guess it's held there out of respect for Joan Rivers. My feeling is if the President of the Anti-Aging organization isn't 117 then it's a sham.

Had dinner Friday night at Rumjungle in the hotel. Very classy. Girls dance in cages above your head. To me that is classy. To Vegas it's positively elegant.

Interesting crowd at the hotel because of all the special events. A lot of shitkickers (I assume for either the rodeo or "Mama Mia") and the prizefight attracted several hundred Ruben Studdards decked out in jewelry and Oakland Raider sweatsuits. Rode in an elevator with one -- a mean looking dude in black sunglasses. He said, "you here for the fuckin' fight, man?" I sheepishly had to say "No, the Linda Eder concert". I'm lucky I'm still alive.

This week a boxing title match, next week an ice spectacular featuring American Idol loser Diana DeGarmo.

The headliner at the hotel was Larry the Cable Guy. If Shecky Green were dead he'd be rolling in his grave.

And as I said, a full Broadway production of "Mama Mia", not to mention a separate "Mama Mia" STORE. Someone had a great line about Abba. It's like being hit in the head with Ikea furniture. You appreciate the craftmanship but it hurts.

I won $20 in blackjack. Debby lost $.55 in the slots. I doubt if we'll be comped the next trip.

I think there were Christmas lights and decorations up all over town. Who could tell?

The waitresses were all attractive with massive chests. If there was a flood on the casino floor they would float to the surface.

The most beautiful girl I saw there was a parking valet attendant bundled in a heavy coat. If she got a boob job I'm sure she could get an inside job. Maybe Santa will be good to her.

Next day we hit the beach. Yes, Mandalay Bay has it's own beach. Unfortunately, the ocean was turned off. No waves. But Debby and I took a long walk along the grid that serves as the shore and gazed out at the horizon to see the Lance Burton Magician billboard on Las Vegas Avenue.

From there we hotel hopped. Had to stop in at the Excalibur -- a casino in Sleeping Beauty's castle. This is home to the black socks, shorts, and wife beater shirt crowd. You know you're in trouble when they have a special parking lot just for motorhomes. Handing a pair of dice to one of these idiots is like handing a gun to a monkey.

Then on to the Bellagio, where Debby and I checked out the Monet exhibit at their fine arts gallery. (How can you go to Vegas and not stop in a museum??) I imagine when most of the tourists saw the ad for the exhibit they said, "Hey, they spelled money wrong!" The paintings were glorious and it was just nice to be in the only room in Las Vegas where everybody voted for Kerry. I can only imagine the paintings Monet himself would have made had he been to Las Vegas. "The Imperial Palace as seen from the Luxor".

The highlight of the trip was the Linda Eder concert. It's the third time I've seen her. I realize that if I see her one more time I'm officially gay. But I don't care. That will happen in March when she performs in Northridge. The only problem was that her concert hall was impossible to find. It's somewhere on the UNLV campus -- the Jerry Tarkanian Music Hall, or something like that -- and even cab drivers have no idea where this is. Dave and I set out for the sound check. The venue is five minutes from our hotel but we wound up somewhere near the Mustang Ranch. The only map on how to get there was on the ticket envelope you pick up at the box office. But we ultimately found it and the concert was wonderful. Celine Dion can't carry her Chloraseptic.

Headed home early this morning. McLaren airport is the worst in the country re security checks. You actually DO have to allow two hours. It's bad enough you have to remove your shoes, but the spurs must come off too and that takes some time.

And now we're home, shopping for voodoo wallpaper.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Forgotten flicks Part II

Here are more of my favorite “lost movies”. Thanks for yours. Some great titles. Keep ‘em comin’. It’s amazing how many little gems are rarely or never seen anymore. Even Netflix doesn’t carry some of these members of the movie graveyard.

TOPKAPI – A superb caper movie from the 60’s. Ingenious and funny. Peter Ustinov at his best (for those who remember Peter Ustinov).

SMALL CIRCLE OF FRIENDS – Okay, I’ve got a thing for 60’s college movies. I haven’t seen it in 25 years but I remember (a) liking it, and (b) falling in love with Karen Allen long before Indiana Jones did.

FIRST LOVE – another dorky college dorm flick. But this one features Susan Dey, Laurie Partridge herself, exploring her sexuality. Graphically!!! Must be seen uncut on cable when alone to be fully appreciated.

TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA – Hollywood’s two great Williams – Friedken and Peterson come together for a taut suspenseful ride through LA. Deserved more praise than it received – the movie, not the city.

THE MOUSE THAT ROARED – Peter Sellers in a tale about a tiny European country that declares war on the US hoping to lose and be rebuilt by the victors. Someone in Iraq must’ve seen this movie.

WHERE'S PAPA? -- A number of readers mentioned this one. Robert Klane is one of my favorite sick writers. My favorite moment -- a brilliant comment on racism -- A black man and Rob Liebman in a gorilla suit are trying to hail a cab. The cab picks up the gorilla. The BORAT of its day.

THE WANDERERS – Adaptation of terrific Richard Price novel. Life on the streets of New York. Street corner singing and gang warfare.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE, TWO, THREE – An insane premise that works. Bad guys hijack a subway. The trouble comes when they try to take it to Cuba.

DEATH RACE 2000 – A Roger Corman classic. A futuristic national road race where the drivers get extra points by killing people. Sylvester Stallone gives a good performance but is overshadowed by the Real Don Steele.

EATING RAOUL – Corman alum Paul Bartell’s cannibal comedy. Not a date movie for people with eating disorders.

W.C. FIELDS & ME -- Rod Steiger as W.C. Fields -- the intense scary near psychotic W.C. Fields.

THE ONE AND ONLY -- Henry Winkler as a wrestler in the early days of television. Steve Gordon, who wrote and directed ARTHUR, penned this first. No one wrote funnier dialogue than Steve. And he wasn't saddled with Liza Minelli in this one.

AFTER THE FOX -- Peter Sellers as a master thief who poses as a film director to dupe an entire Italian village into helping him pull off a major heist. Victor Mature as Charlton Heston. Mixed reviews for this one but it made me laugh.

and last but maybe best....

THE KILLING -- One of Kubrick's first films. A race track robbery is shown from different angles utilizing repeated action. Complex, compelling, contained. Kubrick was so brilliant before he started believing he was brilliant.

Forgotten flicks Part I

I was in a video store last week and saw they were showing GETTING STRAIGHT. It’s an old Elliott Gould 60’s “college unrest/oh no, the hippies are coming” movie you never see on TV anymore. And that got me thinking, what are some of the other movies I remember fondly that seemed to have just disappeared into the mist? Probably many of them wouldn’t hold up, (I might even cringe at a few) but I’d still love to revisit them. And they can’t be worse than POLICE ACADEMY VI which always does seem to be showing.

So here are a few of my Forgotten Favorites. More tomorrow. You’re welcome to check in with yours.

SUMMER OF ’42 – One of the first real coming of age movies. Sweet, funny, and a young luscious Jennifer O’Neil. If you think war is hell, it's nothing compared to puberty.

BETWEEN THE LINES – A rich ensemble piece about a Free Press type newspaper sold to a big bad corporation (aren't they all?). Jeff Goldblum’s masterpiece. With sterling performances by John Heard, Lindsey Crouse, and the always incomparable Michael J. Pollard.

HEARTBREAK KID – Charles Grodin falls in love with Cybil Shepherd on his honeymoon. Elaine May directed an uncharacteristically subtle script by Neil Simon. Jewish men find this movie hilarious. Jewish women hate Jewish men for liking it.

DIARY OF A MAD HOUSEWIFE -- A hot, sexy Carrie Snodgrass and a hilarious turn by Richard Benjamin as the ultimate prig husband. You not only root for Carrie to cheat on him, you want her do it in front of him.

THOUSAND CLOWNS – A somewhat creaky adaptation of my favorite play, but the performances by Jason Robards, Barry Gordon, and Gene Saks and the screenplay by original playwright, Herb Gardner make this black & white movie worth seeking out.

HEAD OVER HEELS (a.k.a. CHILLY SCENES OF WINTER) – John Heard pining after Mary Beth Hurt in this sweet, quirky, 70’s tale. A favorite among stalkers everywhere.

THE 27th DAY – Okay, this was a cheesy Sci-Fi movie from 1957 starring Gene Barry that scared the shit out of me. Directed by William Asher who went on to helm other horror classics like HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI.

RETURN OF THE SECAUCUS 7 -- The movie THE BIG CHILL ripped off and turned into a slick Hollywood hit. John Sayles debut film about a weekend reunion. Real and funny, but doesn’t have the feel-good Motown soundtrack.

SOLDIER IN THE RAIN – A young Steve McQueen as a peace time soldier with Jackie Gleason as his sergeant and mentor. From a William Goldman novel. How sweet it is.

MOVIE MOVIE – Larry Gelbart’s hilarious spoof of different movie genres. If you love witty dialogue that just doesn’t stop (he created TV’s MASH remember) this one’s for you.

DINER – Barry Levinson’s first and best movie. It’s so good I even forgive him for TOYS.

NIGHT SHIFT – Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler turn a city morgue into a brothel. Checkov would have written this if he had thought of it.

FOREIGN AFFAIR – A little known but beautifully crafted black comedy by Billy Wilder set in Berlin right after the war. Skip THE GOOD GERMAN and see this instead.

The rest of my list tomorrow...