By Ken Levine

My Sundance kid

I’m winging to New York for a reading of my play and the great weather. New blog entries should continue on a daily basis assuming there’s internet access in Manhattan.

For two weeks I’ve read and heard nothing but insiders accounts of the Sundance Film Festival. So I thought it might be fun to hear an outsider’s account. My son, Matt and his girlfriend, Kim, were right in the heart of the beast. Matt files this report:We happened to be in Park City for the Sundance Film festival. Kim and I wandered down to Main Street, Park City's downtown area, to check out the festivities. All around the area were huge signs for SUNDANCE07. However, once you get there it looks like any other ski resort downtown area, except that it's inundated with classic LA types. How can you tell the people from LA? Because in 30 degree weather they're either wearing a giant parka with three scarves or a tank top and jeans (yes, we saw both). Only by pure chance did some people dress appropriately, and you still knew they were from LA because they wore something that would only be fashionable to people who live in West Hollywood (think rhinestones, lots of rhinestones). Here is where it would be appropriate to wear Uggs, but nobody did.

Sundance is supposed to be a film festival, so theoretically there should be some theaters playing movies. We found one (The Egyptian Theater) with a giant line outside. Tickets are ridiculously expensive and hard to get. If you want to see an agent wait in line while freezing his ass off, Sundance is the place for you.

I grabbed a copy of the movie listings and decided to read a few of the descriptions. Let me share them with you. The first was a movie about the relationship between identical twin brothers and how it changes when one gets a sex change. The next was about a man falling in love with his horse. If either of these gets nominated for an Oscar the movie industry should just shoot themselves.

If you go to one of these festivals, I'd also like to suggest that you avoid any movie which uses the terms "unique perspective", "worlds torn apart", or "weaves together" in it's description. Also, if the movie refers to itself as "cinema" stay far, far away.

I tried a beer called "Polygamy Porter." It's not as good as it sounds.

As we wandered down Main Street I managed to categorize most people into three groups:

1) Agents/Producers/Actors: These are the people walking around with their cell phones attached to their ears and completely unaware of where they are. They are more than happy to push you out of the way, while their wives drag them into the boutique shops to spend their money. Most of the A-list actors had already left for the week because of the SAG awards, which meant we got an even better show: the B and C-list actors. Imagine fifty Angelyne's walking around in the cold. Also, you can distinguish the agents from the rest since they never have to warm up inside, seeing as how they work for the devil.

2) Film Students: These are the 20-somethings with the indie haircuts and the strange piercings. They all think they are being unique, but couldn't look more cookie-cutter. For example, they all wore Sundance 07 shirts and hats. Way to break the mold guys. You could overhear them talking about "beauty", and "symbols" in their "films" (because they would never work on "movies" or G-d forbid "television").

3) Locals: They couldn't be more friendly to your face, but truthfully can't stand Sundance. One local I met wished that it had snowed this year so he could watch the freakshows in their fur coats and high heels slipping down Main Street. They actually raise prices on almost everything for the week of Sundance. You want a burger? That'll be $12. Now I know Park City isn't cheap to start with, but they take full advantage of the situation. Hey, I can't blame them.

So there you have it. Sundance is a big, snooty excuse to go to a ski town, wait outside in the cold and if you're lucky see a movie. If you want my advice, go to Park City, ski the slopes and download some of the Sundance shorts off iTunes to watch on the plane. You may actually enjoy the area, and raise the price of my Apple Computer stock. It's a win-win.

-Matt

P.S. To be fair, there is one movie that looked really interesting at Sundance: "In the Shadow of the Moon." Of course, it's not like I got to watch it. Hooray Netflix.

You can read Matt's Red Sox blog, Dirty Watah. Talk to you tomorrow from Gotham.

How can you tell if an actor's funny?

A reader wondered how in an audition you could tell if an actor’s funny? The simple answer – does he or she make you laugh? The long answer -- there is no long answer.

It’s hard to explain but truly funny people just give off a vibe. Their attitude, the way they walk, their look – they seem to possess an innate sense of rhythm and timing. And you know it. That’s how we felt when Katey Segal first walked into our office. And Robert Pastorelli. And especially Jenna Elfman.

It gets tough when you're casting a network pilot. The people who audition are all at a certain advanced level. They’re thoroughly professional. They know how to cold read. They know how to sell the jokes. Any one of them would be okay.

But you’re looking for special. The actor who doesn’t have to work hard to get the laughs. The one that just projects a natural comic persona, whether it’s goofiness, or pomposity, or frustration, or in the case of Robin Williams, every emotion known to man and three that aren’t.

Example of “good” vs. “special” – Jim Belushi…John Belushi.

And appearance is important. Check out these photos. Would either of these guys even have to read for you to know they’re funny?

Harder to find are good looking actors who also have comedy chops. It's especially tough finding guys. That's why Paul Rudd and Jason Bateman get seven pilot offers a season. CHEERS with William Devane would have lasted thirteen episodes.

Here's what's not funny: making dolphin noises, mugging, wearing Fruit of the Loom costumes, being in on the joke, crossing your eyes, putting corn stalks in your ears, snorting, splitting watermelons with a sledgehammer, referring to all women as ho's, dropping the "n" bomb, imitating Helen Keller, being loud, did I mention making dolphin noises?

At the end of the day, I’ve always gone by the Nat Hiken test. Hiken, a brilliant comedy writer, created and wrote THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW and CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU? He used to say that if an actor auditioned and he wanted to go right home and write twenty minutes of dialogue for him, THAT’S the actor you hire.

The SAG Awards

On the front page of Monday’s LA TIMES is a picture of Helen Mirren and Jeremy Irons with the headline “Her pair of queens wins”. At first I thought, “wow, that’s inappropriate” until I realized the headline was referring to her two victories for playing queens not the two of them in the picture.

I didn’t see the SAG awards. They’re like watching the Arena football championship game before the Superbowl.

On the other hand, I find the gushing praise and over-the-top outpouring of love on the SAG awards to be most amusing. You know all these actors hate each other. I’ll probably get fifty comments to the contrary but come on, they’re in the most competitive profession ever, and for every winner Saturday night, there were probably forty others in the room who auditioned for and lost that part. And will tell you they could have played it better.

Some thoughts on the winners:

Helen Mirren is a wonder. Won for THE QUEEN in features and ELIZABETH I on TV. She could play Queen Latifa and I’d believe her.

Jennifer Hudson is going to win every award this season but the Heisman Trophy.

I was thrilled the cast of LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE won. Why? Because they sent out screener DVD’s to all their members. Hint hint.

Wouldn’t it have been great a few years ago if CASTAWAY had won for best Cast in a motion picture?

Jeremy Irons scored for ELIZABETH I. In a real stretch he played a fop.

Hugh Laurie racked up another win. Maybe now the TV Academy will NOMINATE him for an Emmy.

Glad Chandra Wilson won for GREY’S ANATOMY. It’s nice that there’s someone on that show who isn’t “dreamy”.

Alec Baldwin is the funniest supporting actor in a comedy since David Hyde Pierce. You’ll know how many years 30 ROCK stays on the air by the number of Emmys he’s going to win.

Happy for America Ferrera but isn’t it so Hollywood that instead of hiring an actual ugly actress to play UGLY BETTY they hire a pretty actress and make her look ugly?

By and large I think it’s dumb to give awards to entire casts except in the case of THE OFFICE. They really are an ensemble and that show only works because they all mesh together so well. Note to producers casting pilots: hire FUNNY people.

And the cast of GREY’S ANATOMY wins for best cast in a drama? They’re terrific and sure yummy to look at but I would have voted for LOST. Those actors had to get out of cages, and get trapped in the rain where their hair got messed up. They don’t teach that at Julliard, pallie.

So now it’s on to the next awards show, which I think might be THE PATSYS, celebrating the best performances by animals in television and motion pictures. Elvis, the alligator from MIAMI VICE is going to receive the lifetime achievement award this year.

"Drop it, punk! I've got a hose!"

Have you seen the SOPRANOS on A&E?

TONY: "You motherf-ather, you been sleepin' with that fu-dgin' cun-iver, haven't you, you piece of s-oap? I have a good mind to take this f-utzinheimer gun, shove it right up her sn-oot and blow her s-ocks away!"

And that's just the language.

Now it seems that Congress may take on the BIG issue that confronts this crippled nation (not the war or economy) -- too much violence and gore on TV. I imagine the first step is to form a committee to look into selecting a subcommittee. Then they'll schedule hearings and fact finding missions until it’s finally determined that Tony can't kill anybody, he can just fire warning shots. And 24 can set off a twelve megaton nuclear bomb but not a fifty.

By the way, it will be a bi-partisan committee. THIS they can work together on.

So as they put aside the issues of health care, job outsourcing, and spiraling gas prices to focus on the more important matter of policing police shows and doctoring doctor shows, here are a few questions I would like to submit.

Where should gore-fest NIP/TUCK draw the line? May they show a face lift but not liposuction? Is it okay to see them operate on Kelly Carlson and not Rosie O’Donnell? (Well, in that case, yeah).

And those simulated close up cameras that zoom into peoples’ bodies and crash into aneurisms on CSI and HOUSE – ick!!!

Instead of a gun, should Vic Mackey protect himself only with a fire hose on THE SHIELD?

Is the only acceptable episode of OZ the one where Johnny Cash comes to perform?

For every gunsel that Tony Soprano threatens must he complete 100 hours of anger-management training?

Christopher can no longer slug Lauren Becall? At worst he can make fun of her for doing Fancy Feast cat food commercials?

Instead of torturing suspected terrorists, should Jack Bauer give them treats if they talk?

Men can be IN trees but not fall out of them?

Excuse me, dear elected officials, it is impossible to set guidelines. What show is bloodier, CRIMINAL MINDS or MASH? Name me a more sympathetic protagonist than serial killer DEXTER.

Don’t we have more important things to do than regulate television shows? The offending programs all have disclaimers. And there are alternatives. TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL is still showing on one of those cable networks.

And it embarrasses me to say that all of this nonsense began as a result of my generation. Yes, we baby boomers all became violent homicidal maniacs because according to Congress back then – we watched CAPTAIN VIDEO.

What five year old boy didn't see that Atomic Disentigrator Rifle and not want to kill? And what five year old girl didn't see that Cosmic Ray Vibrator and...oh wait a minute, now we're crossing into too much sex on TV. Motherf-ather! That Captain Video corrupted us all.

My greatest home run call

After hearing all the goofy things I used to do on Syracuse Chiefs broadcasts, a few readers asked me to tell the story again of my "greatest home run call".

For three years in the minors and seven in the majors I did baseball play-by-play. Someday I hope to do it again. The staple of a baseball announcer is his home run call.

I was broadcasting for the Chiefs, the AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays, in 1988. Our station had a weaker signal than my home Wifi transmitter. At night you couldn’t hear it at the ballpark. When people complained I used to say that this was just the flagship station of the “Worldwide Syracuse Chiefs Radio Network”. I would pause for station identification every half hour and make up all this crap about how popular the Chiefs were in Norway and Bhutan.

We had a third baseman named Norm Tonucci. Sweet kid from Connecticut who was on a year long slump. He came to bat once and I said we had many listeners from Borneo because Norm was a folk hero over there. I then created some story that his father had parachuted behind enemy lines in World War II and single handedly saved the country. I said the currency of Borneo is “Tonuches”, that 90% of male babies and 70% of female babies were named Norm. Every time he came to bat I would reprieve this Borneo connection and night after night he would go 0-3, 0-4, 0-8 (doubleheader).

One night we’re in Oklahoma City and Norm hits a triple. When he came to bat the next time up I talked about how excited the people of Borneo were over the triple. The next pitch he just crushed. And this was my home run call:

“Tonucci swings and there’s a long drive to deep left field. Steve Kemp goes back…to the track…to the wall….NO SCHOOL TOMORROW IN BORNEO!”

Studio B on Wilshire Blvd.

From E! Network's THE SOUP comes this very funny spoof of Aaron Sorkin featuring K.P. Anderson and Joel McHale. Come on, Aaron, it's amusing.

Oooh baby, left turn ahead...

In reading your comments about GPS systems a question occurred to me. If you could pick the voice, who would it be?

At first I thought, maybe someone like James Earl Jones. But considering he’s Darth Vader I could just imagine that heavy breathing while the car was idling at a stop light. And God forbid I don’t follow one of his instructions.

I’m sure men and women would make different selections. I can’t see too many guys going with Barry White. “Oooooh baby, turn left ahead. You know you want to do it. Come on, baby, do it. Turn left. Now. Ohhhh yeah!”

Guys might prefer that late night bedroom voice a la Allison Steele, the sexiest sounding disc jockey in the history of radio.

If you really have esteem issues you might want your mother’s voice. Or your drill sergeant’s. “I can’t BELIEVE you ain’t at that intersection yet, you Goddamn maggot pussy!”

There’s always Simon Cowell but he’d stop you after thirty seconds and tell you it’s pointless to go any further.

And Dick Tufeld, the voice of the robot on LOST IN SPACE. “Danger! Danger! Dead end ahead.”

If you used William Daniels you could pretend you were in Knight Rider.

For just classic great radio voices (you might not know the names but you’d recognize them when you heard them) : Dan Ingram, Robert W. Morgan, Jon Miller, Neil Ross, Randy West, Mike McCann, Gary Burbank, Lyle Dean, Dave Williams, Gary Owens, Bill Drake, Humble Harv, Laurie Allen, Charlie Van Dyke, Howard Hoffman, Mark Elliott, and Rick Dees.

Randy Thomas has great pipes. She’s the “Hooked on Phonics” spokesman. Also the booth announcer for the Academy Awards. “This is Ken’s second trip to Calabasas, first to 10835 Ventura Blvd.” (Randy also will be announcing this year's Superbowl halftime show. If you used her voice you could probably get your car into VIP parking in certain places.)

I always liked that throaty tone of Kirstie Alley. And if you wanted to feel important, how about that guy who does all the movie trailers? “YOU have arrived at YOUR dessss-ti-nationnnnn.”

And then there’s Seth MacFarlane who could give you a lot of voices. Same for Harry Shearer. You’d never fall asleep at the wheel if Robin Williams were reeling off directions in thirty different accents.

Kiefer Sutherland could do it but you’d have trouble hearing him. Half the time you’d be yelling “WHAT??!” at the screen.

People I would least like as my GPS guide: Barbra Streisand, Joan Rivers, Bobcat Goldwait, Gilbert Godfried, Rosie O’Donnell, Fran Drescher, Danny Bonaduce, Judy Tanuta, Joe Cocker, Jaimie White, and Tim McCarver.

But if I had to choose one voice and one voice only… it would have to be Vin Scully. “Pull up a chair, put on your seatbelt and spend a little time…going to 320 Kimber Road.” I might just give an address in New York and let him take him the whole way.

Who would your custom GPS voice be?

In search of Wendy

I don’t know how I lived before Wendy. She’s nurturing, she’s patient, she shows me the way. A lot of times I’ll do stupid things, ignore her advice completely and yet she never gets angry. Never even raises her voice. She just readjusts her thinking to accommodate me. Before you get too excited guys, Wendy is my GPS system. I’ve named her for “Wendy and the lost boys”, which seemed better than “Donna Dashboard” or “mother”.

My big question is just who is this woman? She’s the Lexus GPS voice. Maybe one of you know. I tried tracking it down on the internet but kept running into dead ends.

Do people recognize her voice when she’s in a supermarket or ordering at Shoney’s? How long did it take to record all of that? Jon Miller of ESPN records their baseball video game each year and it takes about three days to update from last year’s edition. By the third day he’s walking into walls.

The funniest day I ever had on the MASH set was when they assembled the cast to do promos for all the affiliates. The show had just gone into syndication and as a courtesy the cast agreed to do quick individual promos. Promos like this:

“Hi, this is Alan Alda. Thanks for watching MASH and now stay tuned for Cindy Zichiweivitz, Bob Bandamama and the rest of the Eyewitness News team on the big one in Biloxi, Channel 17. “

and then…

“Hi, this is Alan Alda. We have your prescription for comedy on MASH followed by Channel 39 Action Central News with Laura Papadacilous, Harold DeBois, Dirk D. Detmeyer sports, and Dr. Happy with the weather – voted the number one news team in Norfolk for the ninth year in a row.”

They had to record 200 of these. Can you imagine?!

By the 20th one they were tripping all over themselves, by the 100th it was a train wreck. Everyone was so punchy, they could not get through a promo without six takes, five of them laughing hysterically.

And, these promos were done at the end of a filming day.

I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.

So when I hear Wendy lovingly say “make a sharp right in one half mile” I imagine it was after four takes of:

“make a right … oh fuck, sharp right… God damn it, let’s do this fucking thing again. What is a fucking sharp right turn anyway? Like the putz driving is gonna know? He’s probably got his head so far up his ass he doesn’t even know what a right turn is. And he's driving a fucking Lexus. I have a goddamn Kia but this pissant drives a Lexus. It's a fucking joke! Okay, here we go, take five…”

Whoever Wendy is, I have got to meet her. But not during a session.

American Idol so far

Of all the bizarre looking contestants that have tried out for AMERICAN IDOL this season (and there have been shockingly many), none have even come close to Carole Bayer Sager. Yikes! She looked like a trampoline with eyes.

Why do they even need a guest judge? It takes FOUR people to determine that the skeesix in the Uncle Sam costume with boxing gloves can’t sing?

I’m still having nightmares over Carole Bayer Sager. Imagine a slingshot that’s been stretched for four blocks.

Last week the guest dead weight was Jewel. She could not have looked more uncomfortable if she were sitting with the Menendez Brothers and O.J. Simpson. Favorite moment: when she mumbled to a contestant that he had no personality.

On the other hand, when Simon is not there just cancel the auditions.

Yes, a lot of these contestants are just chump bait, and they know what they’re in for, but does the camera have to linger on them soooo long? Do we have to see them grovel and beg and cry? I don’t care if the show gets a 70 share, it’s wrong.

Okay, he couldn’t sing but flamboyant Ian Benardo was hilarious. Dump ‘TIL DEATH and put him on the air.

I bet if Joni Mitchell auditioned she’d get three no’s.

Best singer so far: Sundance Head. Best name so far: Sundance Head. For those who didn’t see the show, it’s a guy.

Not only can most kids not sing. Most apparently have never been to a dentist.

Amanda & Antonella, the two hot best friend girls (who we saw frolicking in the ocean in their bikinis .. this is Fox remember) – I’m already calling 1-900-IDOL and voting for them.

Oh please, this season, let one of the theme nights be Bjork. And another be Ethel Merman.

I loved the girl who wanted to be the first AMERICAN IDOL that couldn’t sing.

Where are they now? Kelly Clarkson is an international superstar with Grammys and platinum CD’S. Runner-up, Justin Guarini is hosting IDOL TONIGHT on the TV Guide channel.

Anytime a contestant says they’re going to sing Shakira the judges should just say, “Sorry, it’s a no. Thanks for coming.”

As I watch these auditions I wonder – which one of these kids will be the next AMERICAN IDOL and which will be Paula’s new boyfriend?

Of all the crazies, my favorite contestants were the mother and daughter that looked like Patty & Selma. Runners up: Fidel Castro, girl with the cow, the juggler/serial killer, and the hipster Amish guy.

Give Ian his own show!

Sundance -- does anyone care?

The LA TIMES Calendar section has been devoting an inordinate amount of space to covering the Sundance Film Festival. Review of the movies, latest scuttlebutt, who’s buying what for how much, etc. Only thing is – I can’t see any of these movies, I’m not invited to any of these parties, I don’t stand to benefit from any of the exciting big deals. And a lot of the names they’re throwing around are known only to Endeavor agents. I’m in the industry and I really don’t care. So I can imagine what all the “non pros” think.

Seems to me the only people interested in this coverage are the people who are already there.

When I broadcast minor league baseball I used to often think, “other than the players and the players’ wives, who the hell is really listening to this? Who cares if we win the International League championship?” I don’t even think the wives gave a shit. Plus we were asked to give out of town league scores. “They’re in the third in Rochester and Toledo has a 3-1 lead. Uh oh, pitching change in Pawtucket where Columbus is threatening in the 6th.” Zzzzzzzzzzz.

So I figured I had to do something to make the broadcasts a little more interesting. I’d hear my counterparts filling time by spelling out the players’ backgrounds. What high schools they went to, hometown, batting average in college, that sort of thing. Zzzzzzzzz.

So I decided that since the audience didn’t know any of these guys anyway I would just make stuff up. Who’s going to know?

A typical Syracuse Chiefs broadcast would sound like this:

“Eric Green up there now. That gold medallion around his neck is actually a Tony Award Eric won in 1984 for choreography.”

“Alex Campusano spends his free time inventing new surgical techniques.”

“Colin Washington is warming up in the pen. Most people don’t know this but Colin has seven brothers and six sisters, all of them named Colin.”

“Mario Infante makes the catch. He’s looking forward to our trip next week to Buffalo. Last time he was there was when he went over Niagra Falls in a barrel. It was pretty scary but he said he did win five dollars.”

“Otis Yelding takes a strike. A lot of excitement in the clubhouse before the game when Otis’ boa constrictor got loose. The ball girl didn’t find it too funny though when she found it in the Gatorade bucket. I’m surprised you couldn’t hear her scream back home in Syracuse. Next pitch…low.”

“Geronimo Sanchez strikes out looking. And boy is he hopping mad. He’s yelling at the umpire, and…I think he’s yelling in Hebrew.”

“You know that baby on the cover of Gerber baby food? That was really Scranton manager, Stan Bailor. They used his baby picture for that cover. I think it was only a year later that he started chewing tobacco.”

Hey, gimme a break. It’s a long season.

So for any of you TIMES reporters in Sundance, it’s okay to tell us Robert Redford was seen in a dress, or that one of the movies this year deals with bestiality. Wait a minute. There actually is a bestiality movie this year.

Hmmmmm? At least that’s what they’re saying.