By Ken Levine

Where can a guy get some immune globlulin in this stinkin' town?

Jesus Christ, can’t I even ogle a few swimsuit models for ten minutes without being involved in a Hepatitis scare?

As noted in yesterday’s post, one of Wolfgang Puck’s cooks who catered the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model party two weeks ago came down with Hepatitis A and all guests were advised to get an immune globulin shot…by TODAY. Nice warning – 24 hours.

Okay, a couple of thoughts:

1) This wouldn’t have happened if SI had Art’s Deli cater the damn affair.

2) Anyone who ate uncooked food needs a shot. How many of the models think they’re not exposed because they threw up the food within an hour?

3) Shouldn’t Wolfgang Puck reimburse everyone who needed a shot?

4) The food wasn’t even that good.

5) No newscaster could report the story last night without snickering.

6) Why couldn’t it have been the Governor’s Ball at the Oscars instead?

7) These models go to Bora Bora and all these bizarre exotic locales and are fine. One night in West Hollywood they may come down with Hepatitis.

There was another problem. Very few doctors and medical clinics even HAD immune globulin shots. There are not a lot of raging outbreaks of Hepatitis. It took me about an hour calling around until I found a place. If I wanted to score crystal meth I could probably do it easier. I saw there was a clinic in the Antelope Valley and the Public Health Center in Monrovia was lousy with the stuff. But even my GPS system couldn’t find those places. And there’s the Central Public Health Center on Figueroa. Oh yeah, I want to see all those slicksters drive their Beemers and Porsches to the heart of downtown L.A. Plenty of free street parking, guys.

So I finally found a place. Had to tell them “Lil’ MoFo” sent me but they gave me the shot (and took my $115). And now I can eat my Chinois chicken salad again without fear of yellow jaundice.

The good news was that the shot was in the arm. Didn’t used to be. Years ago I had to do this and at that time it was a horse shot in the ass. Thank God no one does that anymore, making you drop your pants. Although, if I were Beyonce’s doctor…

Next year I think I’ll skip the party and just buy the magazine. No danger of Hepatitis...or even Glaucoma.

Murphy Brown's Law

Every year around Oscar time there are articles bemoaning the fact that today we have so few legitimate “movie stars”. Don’t tell that to the actors themselves. As far as they’re concerned they’re bigger and shine brighter than ever (even while in rehab). They’re also under the delusion that their stardom will last. Approach one of these thesps to star in a television series and they will take it as an insult.

Well, guess what – sooner or later you’re all coming to us little people of the little screen. That’s right. You may have your Oscar and religion and entourage. You may have your vanity production company, a little yapping dog that you always carry in your purse, and star on Hollywood Blvd in front of the Museum of Bras – but sometime in the future you’re ours.

If there’s such a thing as “Murphy’s Law” I call this “Murphy Brown’s Law”. Candice Bergan, Whoopi, Bette, Geena, Spader, Spade, Field, Close,Sutherland, Caruso,both Sheens …. The list goes on and on.

This pilot season Parker Posey and Carrie-Ann Moss have joined the club.

Movie people consider television the Fredo Corleone of entertainment even though most movie stars today made names for themselves by originally being on TV.

What usually happens is this: their career starts going south. Three straight flops, age catches up (29), a new Flavor-of-the-Month arrives, having a kid by Billy Bob Thornton – these are just the common reasons.

Your agent starts getting inquiries. Instead of laughing in your face he says “she’s not ready yet but maybe in a year”. This means the only offer she’s received in the last few months is the PROJECT GREENLIGHT movie and they want her to read for the 14 year old director. Check back in a week.

The next step is the agent informing the networks that their client “might” be available for someone to build a show around them. This list is distributed to studios and producers. I’m always amused that on this list are always two or three who include the condition “will only meet with A-level writers”. Invariably, these are actors who have never received higher than seventh billing.

A year later they’re in – starring in pilots, reading for pilots, doing a four show guest arc on a prestigious series, joining the cast of an established hit. At first it’s hard, a come down. But then they discover something – television is a great life! Big money, major recognition, steady work, three to six months off – all the things that were there the first time they were in TV and couldn’t wait to leave.

It turns out Fredo’s not so bad after all.

Jack Black – see you in five years. Jennifer Aniston – welcome back in three.

Turning to another subject:

THE PERFECT P.S. TO THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT PARTY

This news release:

Officials say the employee helped prepare food at four events between February 14th and February 20th, including the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue party at the Pacific Design Center on Valentine's Day.

Anyone who ate uncooked food at that event is advised to get an immune globulin shot by Wednesday to prevent development of acute hepatis A.

As if being shunned by supermodels wasn't enough.

More Oscar snark...

Because I just can't help it. One more day. That's all. I promise.

But in the meantime...
Yes, people recognize Ennio Morricone’s music but I don’t think the majority of the Oscarcast audience knew his name. Here’s what’s sad – I bet most don’t know Henry Mancini either. And forget about Jerry Goldsmith. But Morricone’s body of work is impressive.

Still, is it too much to ask to give your speech in English? Or at least have someone translate who knows what the heck you're saying? I have the strong feeling Clint Eastwood was making up the translation. The tipoff was "Whenever I need inspiration I always re-watch THE UNFORGIVEN, available on DVD."

Let this be a lesson to Danny Elfman when he's honored by the Italian Film Academy. Take a Berlitz course, Danny.

Forgot to mention how much I hated Anne Hathaway’s gown. It’s like she wore this beautiful white dress then dipped her breasts in the La Brea Tar Pits.

TV icon, Lloyd Thaxton had a great observation: Best Actor, Forest Whittaker played a king, and Best Actress, Helen Mirren played a queen. They truly are Hollywood royalty.

You know it’s Oscar time when there’s a shortage of Botox in LA.

The Celine Dion song was more depressing that the “In Memoriam” segment. Speaking of which, a commenter pointed out that Barbara McNair was omitted. Okay, she starred in CHANGE OF HABIT with Elvis but she was also in THE ORGANIZATION.

Nifty line from commenter, Patrick Walsh: Those dancers forming objects was reasonably neat. I kept wishing it was 1997, the year Boogie Nights got some nominations. I'd love to see twenty ballet dancers form a 13-foot penis.

Read the comments, kids. There are usually some gems.

But here is my favorite one, perhaps ever. Received on Monday.

You say some stupid shit but I still enjoy the blog.

One thing I really missed this year was KTLA Channel 5’s red carpet coverage with sycophant supreme, Sam Rubin and glamour sock puppet, Mindy Burbano (see photo). But it turns out KTLA was covering the event – for webcast only. Considering they had to bribe mid level celebrities with Altoids to talk to them when they were on a nationally syndicated actual broadcast network, I imagine keeping stars from blowing right past them was like trying to hold the Pacific Ocean back with a broom.

I love how Ryan Seacrest kept asking every celebrity if they were staying for the whole show. Guess in the case of loser, Eddy Murphy the answer was no. He was in his limo zipping down Highland before Alan Arkin finished his acceptance speech.

Ten year old Abigail Breslin handled losing with more maturity and class than Eddie Murphy.

And by bolting from the Oscars, I think he can guarantee he’ll never be nominated again. Not even for DR. DOOLITTLE 2.

When Ryan commented that Jodie Foster’s dress matched her eyes she said, “I had them dyed.” Score one for Jody.

In reading other Oscar reviews, for everything that someone loved, someone else hated it.

A caller on KNX asked me Monday if Robert Redford could get a ticket to the Oscars if he wanted one. Yes, but only if Sally Kirkland agreed to give up hers.

Ratings were so-so but still three times the audience of the Emmys. Hell, the Grammys beat the Emmys. You'd think television would know how to draw people to the television.

For all the red pins promoting awareness of diamonds mined by children in war zones, there sure were a lot of diamonds dripping off of those gowns.

Peter O’Toole was campaigning so hard for that Best Actor Oscar that he even appeared on THE VIEW. That’s even sadder than the KTLA webcast.

Did anybody at home actually run a stopwatch to see if the get-off-the-stage music really always began at 45 seconds? Or was producer Laura Ziskin sitting off stage going, "Uccch. Boring. Cue the music. Get 'em off. "?

Despite the florid stage directions read for the Best Screenplay nominees, keep your stage directions short and simple.

Daddy Warbucks Nicholson was always good for a reaction but next year – more Emily Blunt (whether she’s at the awards or not).

I've gotten a lot of comments from young guys who thought Helen Mirren was hot. Substitute "winner" for "mom" and you have a definite WILF.

Is anyone surprised the Michael Mann montage was long, lugubrious, and indulgent? I bet it was over budget too.

Was Jerry Seinfeld just auditioning for Ellen’s job? By the way, he was pretty good.

I didn’t see the show in HD. I imagine it was REALLY rough on some of those actresses. No wonder Sharon Stone stayed away.

I’m sure you people on the East Coast don’t think the Oscars finishing under four hours was a big achievement. If you want to know who wins Best Picture, you have to stay up after midnight. And I can just imagine your kids. “Oh please, Mommy. Can I stay up at least through Best Sound Mixing?”

There’s only one aspect of the Oscars no one in Hollywood is talking about today: what CAN we do to stop Global Warming?

So let me be that one person. Create a neat pin for next year.

Oscar review

Okay, wrong Oscar. Sorry.

The 79th Academy Awards were all about prestige and elegance. On the same stage that crowned Taylor Hicks AMERICAN IDOL (and will do the same later this year to Antonella Barba – the finest singer since Linda Lovelace) Oscars were awarded Sunday night to Martin Scorsese and a bunch of other people.

It’s the Superbowl of entertainment except when your favorite team wins there’s a big parade in your city, when your favorite movie wins there’s a big party you’re not invited to.

Little surprise that THE DEPARTED won. More people will see WILD HOGS than BABEL, THE QUEEN, and LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA put together.

Part of the fun of Oscar night is the insipid red carpet coverage. It’s the only time you will ever hear the question: “Who are you wearing?”

Not only did E! do a red carpet show. They did a COUNTDOWN to the red carpet show. I only caught the last seven hours, hosted by Ryan Seacrest (isn’t everything?) and the bimbolicious duo of Giuliana Depandi and Debbie Matenpoulos (the Romy & Michele of E!). Those two are always good for some stupid remarks. Debbie said Kate Winslett has been married for quite a while now. Five years. Giuliana asked Michael Buble how much he charged to sing at weddings.

And there was ABC’s red carpet coverage with Action Central News anchor, Michelle Tuzee serving as fashion “expert”. She’s at home in Iraq or Milan.

I never watch Joan & Melissa Rivers. Even FEAR FACTOR contestants who eat their weight in dung beetles would cringe at how humiliating they are. At what point does protective services say enough and finally take this daughter away from this woman?

The real pre-show suspense was: what was this year’s cause? Every year there has to be some cause with a colored ribbon or pin to show that Hollywood “cares”. This year was red teardrop pins for International USA and Global Witness to raise awareness about diamonds mined in war zones and their effect on child soldiers. There were better pins and causes but they didn’t go as well with the outfits.

The tone for the show was set right away by Oscarcast producer, Laura Ziskin, who said, “This year I’m in a party mood. Not that the world is perfect, but I’m the producer and I get to decide and I’ve decided we’re going to have a big party.” With Best Picture nominees like BABEL and LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA, why not?

Ms. Ziskin went on to say she thought the show had 12 acts and wanted “a wowee in every act.”

The only “wowee” in the first 55 minutes was the iPhone commercial.

The nominees film montage was the world’s longest Gap commercial.

Ellen “you know” DeGeneres stammered through a “you know” opening monologue that was mostly flat but still had a couple of great jokes. And her chats with Scorsese and Eastwood in the audience were hilarious. I say bring her back. Hell, considering they brought back Whoopi Goldberg for Godsakes, they should give Ellen a ten year contract.

Be glad the telecast wasn’t on Fox. “Welcome to the 79th annual Academy Awards, with your hosts, Mike & Julliet!”

Nicole Kidman IS Jessica Rabbit.

I love how Maggie Gyllanhaal described the non-televised awards ceremony of the science technicians as a “wild night”.

Al Gore finally won! Except in Florida where JESUS CAMP got the Oscar.

Sorry Will Smith. But you’re still closer to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air than Sidney Pottier.

Penelope Cruz (as gorgeous as she is) looked like she shot a bear, gutted it, and was walking around in its carcass.

Who cares if DREAMGIRLS didn’t win Best Picture? It won Best Sound Mixing! That $25,000,000 the studio spent on its Oscar campaign really paid off.

I stood up and cheered when Alan Arkin won. That was a legitimate “wowee”!!

And don’t worry, Eddie Murphy. You’ll be back next year for NORBIT.

I cheered even louder when Mike Arndt won Best Original Screenplay for LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE because (a) it’s a comedy, and (b) it’s a script that got terrible coverage.

The show was weighed waaay down by film montages (most featuring familiar cliché clips and none showcasing my only movie, VOLUNTEERS). Producer Ziskin said, “Using filmmakers is a no-brainer. We’re celebrating movies. And what was interesting to me was that when I reached out to those people, everybody wanted to do it.” Hunh. Filmmakers who want their work seen by 8 billion people? Amazing. Who knew? She really owes them one. But that’s what Hollywood is all about. Coming together to support each other. The red pin was for what again?

J-Lo came dressed as Cleopatra. All that was missing was her asp.

The big complaint of the Oscarcast is always that winners never get to thank enough people. That’s the real excitement – to see how many pilate instructors and dog walkers are recognized. Well, to rectify that, party girl Laura Ziskin instituted the “Thank You Cam” where winners got to acknowledge people interminably but only on the internet. Early reports say the webcast of art directors thanking Home Depot and the man who invented the lug nut still had a far greater audience than STUDIO 60.

Meanwhile, Ms. Ziskin advised winners to use their 45 seconds “to entertain, or to enlighten, or move us.” For editors, make-up artists, sound guys, and costumers that was right in their wheelhouse.

The only one who really delivered on that score was Jennifer Hudson. Her speech was heartfelt, emotional, and genuine. That’s why we sit through these four hour ordeals (excuse me – parties) to share wonderful moments like that.

Fantasia is hitting the Ben & Jerry’s today in a big way.

Happy for Forest Whittaker but I consider this a make-good for not winning an Emmy on THE SHIELD.

Every time APOCOLYPTO lost I cheered.

Tom Cruise giving Sherry Lansing the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award was a nice touch. They were both fired by Sumner Redstone (who will probably win it next year).

My favorite rumor did not come true. Michael Jackson did not sing one of the songs from DREAMGIRLS.

I’d be outraged that PAN’S LABYRINTH didn’t win Best Foreign Film if I had seen any of the other nominees.

The Rorschach Dance Troupe was kinda fun. How many screwed up Hollywood people in the audience saw those shapes and kept thinking it was “mommy”?

Just to clarify because she made such a big stink: DREAMGIRLS was not based on Diana Ross. VENUS was.

Whoever made Cameron Diaz’s gown specializes in napkin folding.

I miss Randy Thomas as the booth announcer.

Okay, so George Lucas hasn’t won a Best Director Oscar like co-presenters Steven Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola. It was still more prestigious having him up there than Kevin Costner.

At least no Debbie Allen SHINDLER’S LIST choreographed production number this year. (Producer Ziskin was not in a party mood that year)

Great bit, having the get-off-the-stage music interrupt Al Gore when he was about to make his “major announcement”. No one cheered louder than Hillary.

Ben Affleck was introduced as an Oscar winning screenwriter. To most WGA members, that’s more disturbing than the possible strike.

Nancy Meyers, a notorious writer-killer and credit-grubber, did a lovely piece on how writers were depicted in films.

Tom Hanks and Al Gore are starting to look alike.

The Best Short Documentary category always has four grim films and one about dance.

Where were the Price-Waterhouse guys?

Every song Celine Dion sings sounds the same. Which would be fine if I liked the song.

Since it was a formal affair Quincy Jones came dressed as Pagliacci, the sad clown. Where do I get a jacket like that?

Step aside Halle Barry, there’s a new most beautiful woman in the world and it’s Beyonce. WOWEE!!

The show could have easily come in under three hours if they only cut every montage in half, dumped the Will Ferrell comedy bit (the woman who won for costume design was funnier), lost the special effects chorus (what the hell was that??), jettisoned the Chris Connelly backstage statistic nonsense (no one cares what kind of night BABEL was having), and limited the tribute to that composer no one ever heard of to only one hour.

But all in all it was a pretty good night. But I do feel a little sorry for Peter O’Toole. He was probably thinking, “Why didn’t I play the Queen?”

See you at the mailbox exchanging our Netflix.

Join me at 11 a.m. on KNX 1070 in Los Angeles for my Oscar autopsy.

Antonella for president and other stuff...

My 10th annual bitchy Oscar review will appear shortly following the ceremony. Or during the ceremony if you live in Hawaii where they tape delay it. Ever since their AMERICAN IDOL contestant Jasmine was booted off a few years ago it’s like they just stopped caring about what happens on the mainland.

Jasmine could have won. Antonella Barba knows the secret. Keep reading.

Spring training games begin this week! Leave it to Kerry Wood to be the first player to bruise his chest in a hot tub accident.

What felt longer, the baseball offseason or the time it took to bury James Brown?

Britney Spears is looking for a drive-by rehab center should you know of any.

If you like 60’s music you MUST check out RichBroRadio.com Unlike oldies stations that play the same six records over and over until you crack and name names to the Germans, this station has a deep playlist brimming with great variety and forgotten treasures. Return to a time when we were hiding the pot from our parents.

DANCIN’ WITH THE STARS should be renamed DANCIN’ WITH THE MOST PATHETIC LOSERS WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR NOTARIETY. Clyde Drexler? Clyde the Glide? That breaks my heart. And golddigger supreme, Heather Mills? Let the “stump casting” jokes begin! All that’s missing is Melissa Rivers.

There will be a GREY’S ANATOMY spinoff centering on Dr. Addison (Kate Walsh). Tentative title: GREY’S ANATOMY SVU MIAMI. Although I say don’t get fancy. Just call it FRASIER.

Ray Liotta slammed his Cadillac Escalade into two parked cars last Saturday night in Pacific Palisades. Liotta is the honorary mayor of Pacific Palisades and there is now concern this DUI will hamper all of the honorary programs his administration hopes to institute.

Okay, AMERICAN IDOL contestant Antonella Barba can’t sing worth shit but now that pictures of her are circulating the net showing her topless and perfecting her "mic technique" on some lucky guy (which is probably why her throat is a little scratchy). I think she’s a lock for finishing in the top two. Simon always advises that contestants need to “stand out”.

See you after the Hollywood love fest.

Best actor & actress

Your faithful Oscar tout now weighs in with who will win Best Actor & Actress.

BEST ACTOR:

WILL SMITH

Why he’ll win – Pity. The guy is practically begging for the award. If this doesn’t work next year expect him to put on a wig and take whatever part Meryl Streep turns down.

Why he’ll lose – If he was so great an actor he could at least “act” like he wasn’t an Oscar grubber.

RYAN GOSLING

Why he’ll win – He’s pulled the child of every Oscar voter out of a burning building.

Why he’ll lose – To be nominated for a movie no one saw truly is an honor. And I think he knows and appreciates that. Unlike Will Smith, I don’t think he’ll dissolve into tears when he loses.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Why he’ll win – He consistently turns in great performances. He has the blessing of the twin Godfathers of Hollywood – Spielberg and Scorsese.

Why he’ll lose – People still think of him as a semi-regular on GROWING PAINS.

FOREST WHITAKER

Why he’ll win – An amazing performance and it’s time this under-appreciated fine actor finally gets his due.

Why he’ll lose – The Academy is afraid if he wins Will Smith will kill himself.

PETER O’TOOLE

Why he’ll win – Overdue. Makes funny speeches. Looks 80 but is only 37.

Why he’ll lose – A very large “ick” factor in the character he played in VENUS.

BEST ACTRESS:

MERYL STREEP

Why she’ll win – She always wins.

Why she’ll lose – Helen Mirren. And there’s always the next 26 times.

HELEN MIRREN

Why she’ll win – She gave the performance of the year. And showed incredible courage by making herself actually LOOK like Queen Elizabeth. She did everything but sing “And I’m telling you…I’m not going.”

Why she’ll lose – It’s revealed she’s really the leader of Al Queda. Otherwise, she’s a lock.

PENELOPE CRUZ

Why she’ll win – The voters are all teenage boys.

Why she’ll lose – Helen Mirren. Meryl Streep. Judi Dench. Kate Winslet.

JUDI DENCH

Why she’ll win – Best performance of her already Oscar recognized career. Best crazed stalker since Kathy Bates in MISERY, and that’s what all actors strive for.

Why she’ll lose – Helen Mirren. Some voters may be put off by her stalking. Maybe if she stalked Peter O’Toole both would win.

KATE WINSLET

Why she’ll win – Enough voters will say, “Jesus, if Kim Basinger has one, Kate Winslet certainly deserves one.”

Why she’ll lose – Helen Mirren. And she’ll eventually win for a lesser role but it will be a make-good for this one. Y’know, like Paul Newman finally won for the COLOR OF MONEY for Godsakes.

My yearly Oscar review follow shortly after the ceremony unless I fall asleep during it.

What will win Best Picture?

My bitchy Oscar review will appear shortly after the ceremony Sunday night. In the meantime, what are you waiting for? It's time to enter that office pool or parlay your winnings from the Daytona 500. So who will win Best Picture? Allow your humble blogmeister to handicap:

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Why it will win -- It’s daring. Imagine, a comedy without Will Ferrell. It’s the Cinderella story of the season and the only nominee you can watch without wanting to kill yourself.

Why it won’t win – it’s not “important”. Spielberg is still crying that SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE beat SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. Wait’ll you see all the bad LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE clones the TV networks are currently developing. One grandfather is wackier than the next. The movie will be appreciated much more in a year. But it’ll be too late.

BABEL

Why it will win – CRASH meets the AMAZING RACE. Lots of scope and intricate stories. Oscar loves what he can’t follow. Makes him seem “deep”. And it’s a “cause” movie.

Why it won’t win – Not sure it’s the right “cause”. Plus, a large number of people despise it. That’s generally not good.

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Why it will win – Clint Eastwood could direct RENO 911 and it would get nominated. World War II is still hot. Politically correct. A Hollywood make-good for PEARL HARBOR.

Why it won’t win – Only seven people have seen it. And three of them thought they were going to see LETTERS FROM A KILLER starring Patrick Swayze and Gia Carides.

THE DEPARTED

Why it will win -- It’s Scorsese’s year. Great to see all those big stars together in a movie that’s not OCEANS WHATEVER.

Why it won’t win -- GOODFELLAS it ain’t, and that didn’t win. Not great to see all those big stars shot to death in a movie that’s not OCEANS WHATEVER.

THE QUEEN

Why it will win – Thoroughly engrossing, pitch perfect performances, and name me a single filmgoer who isn’t completely obsessed with the Queen of England?

Why it won’t win – Some voters may perceive it as just another mother-in-law from hell flick. Others think it’s a downer and question whether Princess Diana had to die.

So what movie do I think should win Best Picture?

DREAMGIRLS

Tomorrow: Best actor and actress handi-capping. Hint -- don't put a lot of money down on Penelope Cruz.

Travel tips for winter fliers

In light of all the recent flight cancellations and JetBlue passengers stranded on the tarmac for ten hours here are some travel suggestions for would-be air travelers.Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a non descript little bottle.

Have extra zip lock bags that you can sell to clueless travelers for ten dollars apiece. If they haven’t gotten the word by now they deserve to pay ten bucks. And tell them FAA regulations are one item per bag.

You can usually tell who these nimrods are. They’re the ones who booked connecting flights in the winter. And buying furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, Gameboy, pager, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

I was kicked off the Dating Game

I mentioned in passing in a recent post that I was booted off THE DATING GAME. A number of readers wanted to know the details.

It was in the late 60’s, I was in high school, and someone recommended I try out. I was a wise-ass even then. So I called the show, was given an appointment to audition. The first thing I said when I got there was that my father worked for ABC radio and if that was a conflict let me know now and save us all a lot of time and trouble. They assured me that was no problem. In fact, they said members of their own staff have had to go on in emergency cases.

So I went through the audition process. They put 40 of us in a room and asked us random DATING GAME-type questions.

A week later they called and invited me to be on the show. Everyone wonders if bachelors are given a preview of the questions or get to see the girl in advance. The answer is no. They filmed three episodes at a time so nine of us reported to an assigned room. We were briefed, then ushered to the stage for a rehearsal. They walked us through it, where we sat, what to do after the girl made her selection, etc. Then it was back to this waiting room until we were called for the show.

I didn’t give a shit about winning the date. I just wanted to score. And I was lucky. Got some good questions, had some funny answers, called one of the other bachelors a blimp, just wreaked as much comic havoc as I could. Big surprise, I wasn’t selected. As a result I missed getting to go on a little cruise boat around the Newport Beach harbor with the Turtles. (I’ve since become friends with Howard Kaylan and he can’t even remember that event).

Two days after the show aired I got invited to go on again for their alumni show. Again I was apparently funny. I just remember doing an Elvis impression and trashing the institution of marriage. This girl didn’t pick me either. Instead I went home with 50 pairs of Ray-Ban sunglasses or something useless like that. I think the date I missed was to the Lancaster Date Festival. I’ve since gotten over my disappointment.

After that show aired they invited me to be on the night-time version. Now that was big stuff. Winners got trips to Europe and Hawaii, not Orange County. Oh yeah, and you’d be on national primetime television… but it was really the prizes.

Unfortunately, there was an engineers’ strike at ABC at the time and management had to man the cameras. During the rehearsal, one of the cameramen recognized me and mentioned casually that my father worked for ABC radio. Chuck Barris went ballistic. I was immediately thrown off the show. I said, “But what about when your own staff has to sub…?” Their answer was, “Get out!” So that was that. I was bumped from the show, they grabbed a guy in the audience who was wearing a suit, and he went on in my place. The selected bachelor got a trip to Paris. I got a roast beef sandwich at Arby’s.

A few years later I was working as an intern at KMPC radio in Los Angeles. Jim Lange was hired as a disc jockey. He spotted me down the hall and amazingly, remembered me. Even rattled off my blimp quip. Two days later at the station I get a call from THE DATING GAME. All was forgiven. They’d love to have me on again. I said, “Is this the night-time version?” They said no, I’d have to go back to daytime. So I told them to stick it. And thus ended my storied DATING GAME career.

Do I have regrets? Yes. I wish I had some of those sunglasses today. I could get a FORTUNE for that crap on ebay.

Channel surfing

Some random thoughts on what’s currently on TV:

What a break for February sweeps – Ana Nicole Smith and the astro-nut!

LOST – Unlike a lot of fans and critics, I’m still on board. I love the fact that I just can’t out guess them. And it’s worth tuning in just for Elizabeth Mitchell’s eyes.

24 – So far so good but a higher body count this season than the population of Iowa. Jack has now faced every villain but Goldfinger and Snidely Whiplash.

GREY’S ANATOMY – What happened to the humor?

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – let it serve as a lesson to all shows in trouble: hire FRASIER writers. And the best writer of WILL & GRACE.

PRISON BREAK – I miss the days when it was just wildly implausible instead of ridiculous.

HOUSE – Great except for the episode where he and Ms. Snotty Teen 2007 discussed the meaning of life for an hour. If someone doesn’t bleed out of their eyes I feel cheated.

THE COLBERT REPORT – I know I’m going to get letters but it’s starting to get tedious. Meanwhile, THE DAILY SHOW continues to sparkle each and every day.

1/2 HOUR NEWS HOUR – Fox News’ lame attempt at the DAILY SHOW. Y’see, comedy is funny when you lampoon the establishment, not funny when you lambaste the anti-establishment.

AMERICAN IDOL – Open auditions are fun for maybe two nights. Maybe next year hold them in Utah. It would be fun to see what Paula Abdul is like sober.

They all come to television sooner or later. Parker Posey is in a new TV pilot called THE RETURN OF JEZABEL JAMES. You’ll be back Jennifer Aniston. You’ll be back.

STUDIO 60 – Off the NBC schedule indefinitely. America, I hope you’re ashamed. You have let Aaron Sorkin down!

So does that mean that Sorkin is now just a disgruntled unemployed writer???

CBS EVENING NEWS – When Katie start running “here’s what’s good about America” features you know the news division is being run by the research department.

JUDGE JUDY, ALEX, BROWN, FRED, WHOOPI – I dunno. I can’t keep track. There must be seven of them. Every Judge but Reinhold has a daytime show.

THE SARAH SILVERMAN SHOW – best new comedy of the year. Sarah is the girl you want to bring home to your parents to watch them have heart attacks.

DICE UNDISPUTED – Premiering March 4th, VH-1 unveils a reality show following Andrew Dice Clay around. If a show I pitched to VH-1 was rejected and I read that they picked up an Andrew Dice Clay series I think I’d kill myself.

HEROES – I hate the narrator and all his profound bullshit commentary. I wish one of the heroes had the ability to bring Rod Serling back from the dead.

I’m rooting for the new Andy Richter show, ANDY BARBER P.I. I hear good things. And Jane Espenson is writing on it.

Saturday night has just become a dumping ground for rerunning shows – the Nordstrom Rack of network television.

There is still a network that believes in sitcoms – TBS. Although, in my heart of hearts I believe they’d dump them all in a nano-second if they could show 150 Atlanta Braves games again.

Tomorrow: how I got thrown off the DATING GAME.