By Ken Levine

My baseball picks: 2007

Baseball is back!

Thank God. There’s only so much Arena Football a man can stand. During this busy offseason owners spent ridiculous amounts of money on bums (it’s as if Paramount gave Brian Ben-ben a four picture deal for $178,000,000) and pissed off 200,000 viewers by taking away the In Demand TV package just because there was more profit in it. (If you’d like to run the Yankees, by the way, my son Matt reminds me that Steinbrenner’s daughter is again single.)

But now it’s time to focus on what’s between the white lines and all the other glorious baseball clichés. And so, as Barry Bonds strives to break Henry Aaron’s all-time home run record with fans everywhere hoping he breaks his leg instead falling out of his baralounger, here are my picks for the upcoming season.

I have two in each division – the one who should win and the dark horse. There is such parity these days (i.e. every team has gaping holes) that any team other than Kansas City could sneak in. Even Tampa Bay has improved pitching and should put up a lot of runs. But I’m not picking them. I’m not insane.

National League West:

DODGERS – Best pitching. Should hit six home runs the entire season but they made the playoffs last year with Odalis Perez so they can only be better.

Dark Horse: PADRES – Good young players and David Wells & Greg Maddux (who can also play in the team’s Old Timer’s Game).

National League Central:

CARDINALS – They could win 72 games and somehow they’d still win the division.

Dark Horse: BREWERS – come on, ONE of these years they’ve got to win again. They also now have Jeff Suppan but I’m still going with the law of averages thing.

National League East:

METS -- Stars at nearly every position and Pedro will be back for three starts in September.

Dark Horse FLORIDA – It’s sure not the Phillies who signed rag arm, Adam Eaton (54-45 and injured most of the time) to a three year $24,000,000 contract.

MVP: Albert Pujols (I know, I’m really going out on a limb.)

American League West:

ANGELS – If Colon and Vlad-daddy are healthy, see ya in October.

Dark Horse: SEATTLE – Okay, I just love my Mariners.

American League Central:

DETROIT – Even without Kenny Rogers, the best rotation in the division and Carlos Guillan. Tiger fans must hope that team-cancer, Gary Sheffield doesn’t cause club to implode.

Dark Horse: INDIANS – Very talented and much improved. Perhaps a return to the glory minutes of the 90’s.

American League East:

RED SOX – Great rotation and Papelbon returning to closer role. Their big problem: filling those 120 games J.D. Drew misses due to scraped knee.

Dark Horse: BLUE JAYS – Despite that stupid team name. Getting better every year. No one in America knows because no one in America cares.

MVP: David Ortiz (finally!)

And if you don’t think I’m a master at baseball predictions, just look at my dark horse picks last year. I’m dangerous!

NLW – Giants
NLC -- Astros
NLE -- Phillies

ALW – Rangers
ALC – Indians
ALE – Blue Jays.

PLAY BALL!!!!

Whodaguy Hawaii

From time to time I like to introduce you to some super talented people you might not know. Meet Ron Jacobs. He is not a screenwriter. But he is the James L. Brooks of radio. And one of the few creative geniuses I know.

A typical Ron Jacobs story. He was 21, working at a radio station in his native Hawaii in 1957. Elvis was coming to town for the first time. Jacobs learned that Presley’s entire entourage would be staying at the Hilton Hawaiian Village one floor below his radio station. However, Colonel Tom Parker made it very clear that Elvis was not giving interviews or appearing in public before his shows.

So Ron decided to create a fake Elvis. He got an impersonator (the first), drove him around Honolulu while station personnel “reported” his whereabouts from mobile units (pay phones). There were practically riots. Ron even crashed into Honolulu Stadium with his “King” just before a football game and caused mass hysteria there.

They finally got back to the station, were practically doubled over with laughter when they got a call – from the Colonel. He wanted to see them immediately.

Jacobs and accomplices went downstairs as if going to the gallows. But Parker, the consummate showmen, appreciated a good stunt when he saw it, introduced Ron to Elvis, he got to emcee the concert, and a lifelong friendship with the Colonel and E. was formed.

When Ricky Nelson was the flavor of the month and wouldn’t go on the air for an interview, Jacobs had an imposter go on and staged a fist fight with him. Back in the states, Ozzie Nelson went bat shit.

In the mid 60’s Ron was the program director of KHJ, “Boss Radio” in Los Angeles. That station changed the entire course of Top 40 radio and was a major influence on the music of the decade. While there he created the 48 hour “History of Rock & Roll”. Today if a radio station gets a 3 share that’s huge. “The History of Rock & Roll” was getting 33 shares. That's "final MASH" type radio numbers.

He left KHJ to start a syndication company and created a little show called “American Top 40”. He went back into radio in the 70’s, this time taking the album rock format to new heights. Looking for a way to promote his new station he created “The San Diego Chicken”.

Oscar Levant once said, “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity and I have erased that line.” Ron has obliterated it. A typical conversation with RJ will go from astute observation, to mad rant, to expert analysis of the Los Angeles Rams (he refuses to accept that they’ve moved). to a lyrical discourse on the beauty of Hawaii. to Harrison Ford (who was once his carpenter in Laurel Canyon). to eastern religion. to the tits on a certain CNN anchor, and then in no particular order – a prediction on the future of technology so insightful you’d think he was Steve Jobs, a tirade on how he can’t get his George Foreman to work, an anecdote about Elvis, a take on the current pop culture, Don Ho, NFL collectibles, family values, recounting the morning of Pearl Harbor, Barack Obama, Robert W. Morgan, jail time in the Orient, and Carla Gugino. Usually all in a two minute span.

Hawaiian listeners (like Obama growing up) have had the pleasure of hearing all that over the years as Ron was a disc jockey on a number of stations (with the nickname Whodaguy).

Now he is about to launch a new venture – an internet radio station, WHODAGUY HAWAII. I’ll post the link when it’s up.

Starting 7-7-7 (according to Ron, a very lucky day, The number 7 has held special significance from the time of the ancient Babylonians, who revered the seven sacred planets – of course now we’re not sure how many damn planets there are…but I digress…), RJ will be broadcasting live for four hours and repeating the show throughout the day. He’ll be featuring an eclectic mix of Hawaiian, and every genre he’s ever programmed (meaning everything other than Gregorian Chants). But the real attraction will be hearing vintage/non diluted/100% proof/probably even wackier than ever Ron Jacobs on the air.

When I spotlight writers I always have the advantage of being able to post samples of their work. I’ll remind you when 7-7-7 comes along because this guy you’ve got to hear.

Mahalo.

The singing dancing Army Reserves

Watching those Army Reserve recruiting commercials during the NCAA tourney I couldn’t help thinking that must be a tough sell. But at least the USAR is farming out their campaign and not trying to do it in-house. They’ve tried that in the past. I was a part of one such brainstorm.

Staging a musical.

Back in the 70’s I was in an Armed Forces Radio Reserve unit (my draft number was 4) and to get reservists to re-enlist some General had the brilliant idea that maybe a stage show of singing, dancing weekend warriors with no training or talent would entice them to sign up for another six years. This same General had devised battle strategy for Viet Nam.

Our unit was assigned this task. A group of us had three days to write an entire musical. I wrote several sketches with fellow reservist Joel Siegel (Yes, the same Joel Siegel who reviews movies on GOOD MORNING AMERICA.) We chose a take-off of WEST SIDE STORY. Our songs included “Re-Up” (“I just met a soldier who re-upped…”), “I Feel Pity” (for anyone not making that extra forty dollars a month), “Officer Candidate”, “When You’re a Troop” (you’re a troop all the way, from your first cigarette till your last grade in pay), and “Somewhere” (“Sign your name and you’re halfway there, a pension waits and is yours to snare”) I still can’t look Stephen Sondheim in the eye. When the army says it will teach you a skill I never thought it would be soft-shoe in combat boots.

For the next THREE years five of us fighting thesps went around to reserve battalions on the west coast and performed this extravaganza, usually to crowds of 200 utterly mystified soldiers who sat wide-eyed with their jaws scraping the ground.

Today shows are preceded by an announcement to turn off your cellphones and beepers. Before our shows the audience was warned that hecklers would be disciplined. And even with the threat of having to scrub toilets with a toothbrush many were compelled to lob verbal grenades our way.

Once, in the middle of the “I Want to Serve in America” dance number, I remember thinking if we did this in Alabama they would storm the stage and kill us.

I guess the USAR figured the mens (sic) would respond to an all-star Bob Hope type USO show. They didn’t realize however, that there is a big difference between Ann Jillian (pictured right) and Ken Levine in a wig.

I’d say roughly 4,000 bewildered grunts saw this show performed. The number of troops who re-upped as a result? Zero.

As a result, the project was scrapped before we could “bring it in” to New York, as they say. It's one thing for a show to close in New Haven. But the 23rd Armory in El Centro?

It was very disappointing. The least a young man can expect after eight weeks of rigorous basic training is a Broadway career.

Oh well… I pass the baton and Ann Jillian wig to Madison Avenue. But if you decide the problem was not the idea but the show we selected, I’m happy to consult when you stage WICKED.

American Idol results

A quick rundown on the AMERICAN IDOL results show then a new post about Cheers.

The question everyone is asking again is how can Sanjaya not be the one going home?

Don't blame the tweeners for voting for him. I'm sure he's a big favorite among prison inmates too.

And I wonder if the numbers you call to vote are outsourced... to India perhaps????

Gwen Stefani rocks!!

How soon until someone sells those Sanjaya Road Warrior wigs and Britney Spears buys one?

I'm trying to think of which rock star wore his hair in a ridiculous mohawk... oh yeah, now I remember. Randy Jackson in Journey.

What was with Paula and the Hansel & Greta look? If the band started playing "Ooom-pah, ooom-pah, ooom-pah, ooom-pah" I bet she would have climbed on the desk and begun yodeling.

Next week is Tony Bennett and classic American standards. If Haley Scarnato is smart she'll wear that halter top even if her song is "Get Me to the Church On Time."

The best part of the results show by a thousand miles is the Ford commercials.

I'm going to miss Chris Sligh. Maybe he can show up next year on LOST as Hurley's brother.

I can't until next week when Sanjaya makes us all forget about Sinatra.

G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry

A reader on Monday mentioned the CHEERS where Sam becomes a local TV sportscaster. My partner David and I wrote that episode in knee jerk reaction to the idiotic schticks most sportscasters had. (Of course now it’s only gotten worse). So Sam felt he needed a gimmick and tried a few on the air. Here are his last two.

ANGLE – TV

SAM
I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that “old squares” like me shouldn’t be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight’s commentary is directed right at you.

He picks up a ghetto blaster and pushes a button. Rap rhythm begins and San begins rapping to it.

SAM
(RAPPING) It’s time to rap
about a controversy
Gonna take a stand,
I won’t show no mercy.
A lot of folks say
Jocks shouldn’t be
A doin’ the sports news on TV.
But I don’t want
To hear the latest scores
From a bunch of old broad-
Casting school bores.
The guys on the diamonds
And the fields and courts
Know a heck of a lot more
About real sports.
So get your scores
From a guy like me
Who knows the meaning of words
Like “groin in-ju-ry.”
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry. Joanne?

She stares at Sam for a beat, then opens her mouth as if to say something, changes her mind and turns to Dr. Buzz.

JOANNE
Dr. Buzz, is there any late word on that hurricane off Galveston?

BACK TO CHEERS

Norm, Cliff and Carla have their heads on their arms on the bar.

WOODY
(TO HIMSELF) G-g-g-groin injury… catchy.

And then…in a later scene….

ANGLE ON TV SCREEN

JOANNE
Well, ready or not, here’s tonight’s “’I’ on Sports” commentary with Sam Malone.

Sam pulls up a little dummy who looks like him and is dressed exactly like him. He does ventriloquism in a high voice, pronouncing certain words differently so his lips won’t move.

SAM
And don’t forget Lil’ Sam.

LIL’ SAM
That’s nee! (SIC)

BACK TO BAR

CARLA
Oh my God.

REBECCA
If either of them mentions the bar I’m suing.

ANGLE ON TV

SAM
I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake dipping into their farm system, trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don’t you agree Lil’ Sam?

LIL’ SAM
No. You’re full of hooey. If I’m taying five ducks to get into the dalltark I want to see them win. NOW!

SAM
Oh, what do you know? Your head’s wooden.

LIL’ SAM
Well, your lits are nooving.

SAM
At least I don’t have an arm up my back.

LIL’ SAM
Or a drain in your head. (LAUGHING) Yak-yak-yak.

SAM
Well, that’s two guy’s opinions.

LIL’ SAM
Joanne?

ANGLE ON JOANNE whose mouth is wide open. She’s staring, speechless.

American Idol this week

Getting it out of the way first, Sanjaya, with the new mohawk hairstyle is now just the Gimp from PULP FICTION. How long can Howard Stern fans keep him on the show? And I didn’t see the point in Sanjaya changing the lyric. Who is he kidding? He might just as well have sung it as written: “You’re my kind of man”.

Gwen Stefani looked so…wholesome. She could have won the Sandy part in GREASE. I worry about her singing on the results show however. The Gods of Appearance have not been kind to previous celebs this season. Fat-asia, Kellie Parton Pickler, Diana Ross (although she always looks ghastly), and last week Lulu’s attempt to have us believe she was still 17 was a shocking cry for help.

Why does Ryan Seacrest get a standing ovation? I mean, he’s very good but he’s no Howie Mandel.

I’m afraid Chris Sligh is going home. Sanjaya should be of course – in fact he should be voted off retroactively and Antonella reinstated – but of the humanoid contestants he was the weakest this week.

I am very worried. I actually agreed with Paula. Gina did give her best performance.

I would LOVE to see Bob Dylan as the guest star one week. He would coach the kids and they would all say, “What?” “Huh?” “Could you repeat that?” “What did he say?”

And since Paula can only parrot what the guest says, it would be fun to hear her say to a finalist, “Like Bob said I think, you were either great or terrible.”

When the judges were telling Haley they thought her song was safe what they were really saying was, “Go back to the halter top!!!”

Phil Stacey looked jaunty in that Myra Loy hat. The judges are always stunned when they find themselves paying him even the tiniest compliment. He’s the one who should be insecure, not Melinda.

And is it just me, or is Melinda’s “Golly, gee, shucks” act starting to look a little transparent? How can someone who has such total command and stage presence when singing turn into Peter MacNichol the minute the song is over?

No beatboxing from Blake. He’s saving it for standards week when he sings “The Shadow of Your Smile”.

How soon we forget. Quick! Can you name this voted-off contestant?

Jordin gets the entire Catholic School vote with that outfit. All that was missing was pigtails. She sang that Gwen Stefani song better than Gwen Stefani.

Have you noticed that the hoop earrings the girls are wearing get bigger and bigger? A tiger could have jumped through Jordin’s this week.

My biggest laugh of the week: When Ryan said, “Coming up, Chris Richardson with another No Doubt smash” they cut to the judges and Simon clearly mouthed, “Oh no!”

Every song Chris Richardson sings sounds the same. And for the record, Simon was right.

AMERICAN IDOL has announced that in April they are expanding the results show to an hour. So we’ll all be fast forwarding through 56 minutes instead of 26. I can just hear the conversation between the producers and the network:

“What could we possibly do to pad an entire hour?”

“Who cares? You’re replacing TIL’ DEATH.”

Speed dating for writers

A question I’m always asked is “how do you find a writing partner?”. I met mine in the army but I sure don’t recommend that method. The WGA has come up with a nifty idea. Speed Dating. Just like the social version with the same success rate of getting laid. Every so often the Guild sponsors evenings for writers looking for that perfect scribe mate. I’ve never been to one of course, but I imagine you hear some pretty wacky responses. As a public service, so you don’t make these gaffes, here are few of the responses I would not want to hear. (I'm sure you can think of some more yourself.)

Dennis Miller is funny now. He never used to be but he is now.

We can work at my place. I live in Bakersfield.

Hey, hey, don’t touch my Naomi Watts photos! They’re not bothering you.

I can work anywhere any time. In fact, if you’ve got a couch I could crash on, that would be sweet.

If I could go back and work on any classic sitcom from the past, it would have to be MAMA’S FAMILY.

You would be…let’s see…my eighth partner.

I’m really good at editing. You pitch me ten ideas and I can tell you which is the good one.

It's nothing personal. I don't look anyone in the eye.

Do graphic comics count as books I’ve read?

Look, if you didn’t go to an Ivy school I don’t even know why we’re talking.

Everyone who’s read my script thought it wasn’t funny. That’s why I need a partner.

I do my best work between 2 and 4 A.M.

First things first -- who gets top billing?

Let’s work at my place. That way I can watch my twins. They just started walking!

You don’t remember? You slept with me at the Sundance retreat and never called me back, you shit!

I have a spec ELLEN I could show you.

This rubber band? Whenever I start feeling this building smoldering rage my shrink says play with this rubber band. Does it bother you?

There’s a British version of THE OFFICE?

You have beautiful hair. Can I touch it?

Do you have a cigarette?

How long have I fucking been writing? Fuck knows. But I guess it was, fuck, I dunno, some fucking time around the end of last fucking year or some shit.

The only thing is… I don’t drive.

I took Robert McKee’s class twice. So I kind of see myself as an expert on story.

Would you take my hands and join me in a prayer?

Okay, well…if you’re here and I’m here it’s pretty clear our partnership isn’t working.

Tomorrow: my weekly AMERICAN IDOL review/autopsy.

Cheers -- the Russian poetry corner

Thanks for all the nice comments on our spoof of depressing Irish folk songs for the St. Patrick’s Day episode of CHEERS. It’s a comedy well my partner, David and I have dipped into before. Here’s a scene of ours from a first season episode of CHEERS called "Any Friend of Diane's". Diane’s college chum Rebecca (played by Diane runner-up Julia Duffy -- pictured left) comes to visit the bar. Imagine a sitcom today being allowed to do this run.

INT. BAR – DAY

Diane and Rebecca are chattering away in French. They laugh together. Rebecca’s laugh turns into a sob, and she buries her face in her hands.

DIANE
Rebecca, something’s wrong.

REBECCA
You always saw through my façade of gaiety… Elliot and I have parted.

DIANE
No. You and Elliot? Rebecca, you two were together forever.

REBECCA
I know. I know. It all started when Elliot got his doctorate in ichthyology. His eye began to wander, and the next thing I knew he had taken up with a young student he met on a squid expedition.

DIANE
A doctorate changes a man. Rebecca, there’ll be others. In the meantime you have your work.

REBECCA
You’d think so. I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry. But no more. Even when I went back over my favorite, Karashnikov’s “Another Christmas of Agony”, it failed to soothe me. (RECITING) “Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog. The children cry over the carcass. The mist chokes my heart, covers the mourners. At least this year we eat.”

DIANE
Well...If that didn’t pick you up, I’m at a virtual loss.

A GREAT director meltdown!!

Watch "brilliant" director, David O. Russell have a complete meltdown when his masterpiece I HEART HUCKABEES is questioned by actress Lily Tomlin.

What a pickle

Now the more cynical of you might project that this girl has some sexual issues. I blame the lack of education we give our children about delicatessens. Grab a hanky because this is a tear jerker.