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September 23, 2007



Every time I drive down Franklin past the Scientology building (jsut west of Vermont) and watch all those hapless losers jaywalking across the street, I have this urge to stomp the gas and go down the block like a bowling ball through ten pins. It's why I don't drive down that street much anymore.I remember my good friend Harlan Ellison telling about hearing how that talentless (well, as a writer anyway - he was obviously a very talented con artist) Ron Hubbard decided he no longer wanted to work for a living so he'd start a religion since "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public." That was 50 years ago and the success of Scientology among the denizens of Okeefenokee West (aka Hollywierd) is proof that being a rocket scientist is counterproductive to success in Duh Biz.Of course, it's mostly actors you find in that, which proves that Hitchock was right when he said they should be treated like cattle.


So this is why you can't get work in Hollywood anymore - you've offended the Scientologists.


There is no belief more closely held than one which cannot be proven.The difference between a cult and a religion is about 100 years.Tomorrow: sex and politics.

A. Buck Short

Ken, I get all my funny boots at Florsheim of Tarzana -Van Nuys. The good thing about the Psychiatry - An Industry of Death Museum is you can tour all the exhibits in only 50 minutes. But you knew that.I don’t mean to quibble, but hasn’t Joan Collins underwear ALWAYS been "one of Hollywood's most popular tourist attractions?"Probably the biggest explosion of laughter I ever received was when asked to speak about 10 years ago in a packed auditorium at the dedication of a chair in the University of Arizona theater department. It was in memory of my late friend Arthur Loew Jr. (MGM). Arthur had a famous tempestuous relationship with Ms. Collins, whom he later usually referred to as "The British Open" for reasons I don't care to get into here. There is a widely-related incident where they got into an argument while dining at the La Scala restaurant in BH. Collins storms out toward the door muttering in a voice that all the other patrons could hear, "Arthur, you are a fu*&king bore."Arthur then rises at the table and, Groucho-style,replies, "Well, that's O.K., because you've always been a boring fu*&k." The entire dining room is alleged to have erupted in applause. Years later, Collins related the incident in her autobiography "Past Imperfect," but reversed the roles so she had all the good lines. Arthur kept threatening to sue for "theft of a punchline."At the UofA dedication, I related how the last time I saw Arthur was on the Queen Mary, which had, by then, become the floating hotel in Long Beach. I said Arthur had a fear of British ocean liners because Joan always reminded him of the Titanic. It was the only other thing he knew that had gone down on 15-hundred British and Americans. La Scala caliber wildlaughter from a knowing crowd.I remember that was the week of the Jackie Kennedy memorabilia auction at Southeby’s, where the cigar humidor Arthur’s friend Milton Berle gave JFK was auctioned off for $574,000. I informed all that Milton couldn’t be at the Tucson ceremony, because he was flying around the country asking everybody he gave a cigar humidor to return it. Also noting that had Arthur been there, he’d be speculating that if Kennedy’s cigar box went for $574,000, Clinton’s bong would probably bring about a million–five. Hey, who else have I got to tell this stuff to?__PS. It's not the Scientologists who control Hollywood. It's the JEWISH Scientologists who control Hollywood.


...so these three Scientologists go into a bar...


And to bring it full circle, the last time I was in Wacko I bumped into Scientologist Kirstie Alley.


tcinla's obviously in need of reorientation: the Celebrity Centre (sic) on Franklin is cater-corner from the Mayfair on the corner of Bronson; a couple blocks west of Western.Decent Sunday brunch open to the public. And are there no old Scientologists?I had read somewhere that the Church (sic) of Scientology was the largest private property-holder in Hollywood; God (maybe) knows they have buildings all over the place.

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    Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres.
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