By Ken Levine

It's the TV season of the nerds

Writers are always asking networks what they’re looking for each development season. This is a typical conversation I imagine from last fall.

NETWORK EXEC
Nerds are in this year. We want to do nerds. Move away from the handsome golden boy types.

WRITER
Great.

NETWORK EXEC
But make sure you also include a smoking hot chick.

WRITER
Why?

NETWORK EXEC
Because who the fuck wants to look at nerds? Creepy, weird, ugly little freaks.

WRITER
So why do you want to do shows about them?

NETWORK EXEC
Zeitgeist. Why do we do anything? Those Judd Apatow movies are killing at the boxoffice. Please God, let torture porn run its course.

WRITER
Y’know, you had Judd Apatow doing shows for you and you canceled him.

NETWORK EXEC
I know! Why didn’t he tell us who the fuck he was then? How are we supposed to know?

WRITER
So what’s the point of the hot chicks?

NETWORK EXEC
They like the nerds, find them endearing, attractive.

WRITER
Why?

NETWORK EXEC
Who the fuck cares? They just do. There’s only so much ugly we can tolerate on any given show. Have you ever watched television?

WRITER
O-kay. Then what if the beautiful woman likes them because they’re smart and she appreciates intelligence?

NETWORK EXEC
Ughh! How you gonna get laughs out of that? No, if we’re going to do nerds we gotta make ass-fun of them.

WRITER
Apatow doesn’t do that.

NETWORK EXEC
His gargoyles can swear. We don’t have that luxury. See, the fun is these socially retarded geeks say the most inappropriate things to her. Like, for instance, hot chick says “So what did you guys do today?” and one of the nerds says, “We masturbated for money.” Big laugh.

WRITER
Wouldn’t the girl be repulsed?

NETWORK EXEC
Well, in real life, yeah. Hell, she’d spray them with mace.

WRITER
But what does she do here?

NETWORK EXEC
Just accepts it and moves on. Maybe finds it endearing. “Oh-those-wacky-nerds” kind of thing.

WRITER
But that doesn’t make sense.

NETWORK EXEC
Do you want to get on the air or not? Comedy is not exactly king.

WRITER
Okay. Then what if I do a drama? A drama with nerds.

NETWORK EXEC
Let me check the numbers on NUM3ERS…yeah, okay, that could work.

WRITER
So it has to be a procedural show?

NETWORK EXEC
God no. The Zeitgeist has passed. We're practically at CSI: DES MOINES. No, it's Superheroes this year.

WRITER
You want a nerd who’s also a superhero?

NETWORK EXEC
Ooooh, I like that. But he can’t have powers that conflict with any of our other superpowers.

WRITER
So that leaves what, he can open a checking account without standing in line?

NETWORK EXEC
What if he’s super-smart? You can’t do that with a cheerleader. Super-super-super smart. Like he knows everything that’s in every computer in the world. Yeah. There’s this program and it gets incorporated into his brain. No wonder the smoking hot chick finds him a catch.

WRITER
There’s a smoking hot chick in this one too?

NETWORK EXEC
More so than ever. You won’t have the gold of masturbation jokes to fall back on.

WRITER
So I guess there’s this experiment or operation and a chip gets inserted into his brain.

NETWORK EXEC
Conflict. There’s a BIONIC WOMAN remake being developed. That’s how she gets her super shit. The trick with that show is finding a chick who's kick-ass but not turn-off scary. The answer is probably British.

WRITER
So how does our super nerd get this program?

NETWORK EXEC
I know. He just stares into the computer screen when it’s being run. Maybe thousands of pictures. They fly into his brain somehow.

WRITER
Huh???

NETWORK EXEC
Yep. That’ll work.

WRITER
What’ll work? What are you talking about?

NETWORK EXEC
Do that. Make him an everyman. Cast him with a cute guy who can look a little nerdy. In this case it's okay to go Jewish, just not too Jewish. Give him an Apatow friendly job – whatever the 40 year old virgin did, throw in a hot blond so America has a reason to watch, maybe add some funny idiot friends, an action scene or two, and I think you got a sale.

WRITER
Okay. Just so I know, if I wanted to take a year off, what do you think will be the zeitgeist next season?

NETWORK EXEC
SURVIVOR with kids.

WRITER
You’ll have your nerd script in two weeks.

I can't get no...

This is one of those “please indulge me” posts. Like most scriptwriters, I’ve got a drawer full of unproduced screenplays. But now I also have a blog. So if I can’t sell these scripts I can at least occasionally share some of my favorite scenes. Here’s one from a movie I originally wrote in the late 90’s, and have been rewriting ever since. It’s a bittersweet comedy called SATISFACTION and it’s set in the exotic world of Bakersfield radio. (I know what you’re thinking – with that topic and locale how could it NOT sell??? I wonder the same thing.)

Here’s the set up: Barry (picture Jason Alexander) and Jimmy Lizard (picture Steve Martin) were DJ’s together in Bakersfield 30 years ago. Barry left town and the industry and finds himself aimless and depressed. Lizard remained a jock in Bakersfield, playing the same goddamn ten oldies all these years but has a much better attitude about the world…even though he’s now in the hospital battling Leukemia. Barry comes to visit and they have a heart-to-heart.

LIZARD
Y'know, Barry, you lie in bed all day facing your own mortality and listening to oldies, and you start to do a lot of thinking. Stuff you never even worried about before. The existence of God, the meaning of life, that sort of crap. And hopefully you come to some conclusion, something that gives your world a little order. And I'm happy to say I have reached just such a conclusion.

BARRY
Yeah....?

LIZARD
We all spend most of our lives doing stupid shit.

BARRY
(after a long beat)
That's it?

LIZARD
That's it.

BARRY
So what's the point?

LIZARD
There's no point. It's just a conclusion. If you take the time we use to do something productive versus the time we spend chasing some girl who doesn't exist or watching "the Amazing Race" the ratio is probably 10-1 Race. Why we're programmed like that? I don't know. I was kinda hopin' being on my deathbed would make me smarter.

BARRY
C'mon, man, you're not on your deathbed.

LIZARD
Yeah, I know. Just trying to evoke a little sympathy. When I really do go I want it to be at home. On my death futon.

BARRY
So the point here is to do more with your life. Cut down on the stupid shit.

LIZARD
No, that's not it. Because the stupid shit seems to account for all the fun in life.
(beat)
But you want a point? Here's a point. Do what makes you happy. I've used my one precious existence to be a fucking disc jockey in Bakerspatch for 32 years, and you know what? I've had a blast. I'm never going to achieve great deeds, or leave a lasting legacy, or even bang those few select women I've always longed for, but Christ, how many of us do? The odds gotta be worse than Leukemia. So you might as well dig on the stupid shit.

BARRY
(with a smile and nod)
Okay. That's good. Real good.

LIZARD
Maybe the most important words ever written are on that billboard outside of town. "Sun, fun, stay, play".

BARRY
Deep.

They sit quietly for a beat. Then:

BARRY
So who are they?

LIZARD
Who?

BARRY
Those select women you want to nail.

LIZARD
Well, that's a little personal, but...

Lizard lies back and smiles, almost picturing them.

LIZARD
Jessica Alba and Halle Berry.

BARRY
Alright! Two of the very best.

LIZARD
Jennifer Love Hewitt..

BARRY
There's more?

LIZARD
Ann Coulter, Jenna Fischer, Linda in accounting...

BARRY
Linda in accounting?

LIZARD
Bob Harlow's wife, Bonnie Bernstein from ESPN, Cousin Ruth, both Gilmore Girls...

BARRY
Okay, I think I got it.

LIZARD
Ellen DeGeneres just to see if I can, Sister Mary from church...

And Lizard continues what is sure to be a long long list.

This is an experiment

I'm trying to see if I can post audio on my blog so I'm throwing something on as a test. Several people have asked what I sounded like in my insane disc jockey days. So here is an aircheck of me (Beaver Cleaver) on KTNQ (TEN Q) Los Angeles from 1977. Now you know why I went into TV writing.

Click To Play

The beauty of live TV

Eva Nazemson, hosting a Swedish call-in show, throws up live on the air and keeps going. Talk about a trooper. In case you don't speak Swedish, she blames the hurling on "menstrual cramps". Now THIS is how Katie Couric could get more viewers.

Random musings

Now that we have a blitz of advertising for the new fall shows, boy are those casts good looking. No one I ever hung out with in high school could remotely get hired on one of those shows. And I'm supposed to care about these beautiful people?

Yes, you can still see real human beings on TV but it’s gonna cost ya. You have to subscribe to the premium cable channels.

If a network were casting THE SOPRANOS Tony would be played by Dylan McDermott, Carmella by Heather Locklear, and Paulie “Walnuts” by John O’Hurley.

I was thrilled that MAD MEN got a second season pick up. If only it wasn’t on AMC, the movie channel that has more commercials in the middle of movies than local TV.

I was without power for five hours Saturday. I called the Department of Water & Power and an automatic message suggested I check with their website for any outage updates. How am I going to get on the damn internet when I don’t have power??

And along those lines, why do some parking structure elevators have buttons in Braille? How many blind people drive in Beverly Hills?

Expanded MLB rosters are not fair to contending teams. My solution: you can have 40 men on your roster instead of 25 but every game you can only designate three of the new players as eligible for that game.

After all the hoopla, is anybody watching TELL ME YOU LOVE ME anymore? Even with the graphic sex? They just aired episode three.

Rod Stewart wore his British Knighthood medal at a California café while out to breakfast recently. All right! All bets are off. Writers -- you are now allowed to wear your Emmys around your neck at Fuddruckers.

I’m officially off the PRISON BREAK train. Even after suffering through last year’s plot twists, which were less plausible than a Mr. Magoo cartoon. The new prison is just too grimy and depressing. It’s hard to be in that environment. I felt like I was back at CAA.

Best idea I’ve heard in months: Up in Silicon Valley there is a fantasy football league where the point is to put together the WORST possible team. You get points for interceptions and fumbles and lose them for TDs. If I were in that league I’d have to name my team the Rams. Or Fighting Irish.

My teleseminar has been filled. Thanks to the 150 of you who chose to participate. And yes, it's still free. If you want to post a question for me just use the link contained in the confirmation e-mail I sent you. The two areas I'm most expert are screenwriting and speed dating.

I couldn’t bring myself to watch CAVEMAN. How was it? And this is the only time it’s okay to comment as Anonymous. Believe me, I understand.

THE BIG BANG THEORY -- Lenny & Squiggy join Mensa.

What team, if any, will be stupid enough to sign Barry Bonds next year? Or Milton Bradley?

Time slot is everything. Last week ACCORDING TO JIM was on at 8:30 and finished 87th. But it was also on at 8:00 and finished 85th.

Jessica Biel is in talks to play Wonder Woman in Warner Bros.' all-star superhero film JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA. I’ve always loved Wonder Woman. She was able to save so much time by never changing her outfit when switching back to her secret identity. She could go from superhero to Santa Monica Blvd. Prostitute just by adding heels.

The Bionic Woman

“Catfight!!!”

That’s how NBC should have promo’d THE BIONIC WOMAN premiere. Their target audience must be those two nerds on THE BIG BANG THEORY. Another slugline could be…

“Wouldn’t it be great if your new imaginary girlfriend could also beat up that mean dude at the bus stop who calls you a spaz?”

I have no idea why a woman would want to watch this show. Oh, I’m sure the network will say women will identify with the character, and ultimately it’s a story of self realization and personal growth but who are they kidding? It’s hot chicks in the rain catfighting. It’s the video game guys play when their moms won’t let them watch Cinemax After Dark.

Michelle Ryan is no Lindsay Wagner (pictured: right) . Lindsay was cuter, Lindsay was sweeter, and could do more cool things. I’d like to see Michelle Ryan sell Fords.

But the big problem with Michelle Ryan is that she’s not even as hot or as interesting as the other Bionic Woman in the series. Katee Sackhoff (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, pictured: below) as the rogue B.W. steals the show.

Change the title of the series to NOT THAT BIONIC WOMAN, THIS ONE.

Otherwise, this was just your standard dreary noir-action show, complete with the washed out colors, the secret high tech and concrete government compound (the Soprano Cement Company must’ve won the bid on ALIAS, 24, and now this project), and mysterious Miguel Ferrer type no-nonsense officious riddle-speaking head of the organization, played this time by Miguel Ferrer himself.

There’s only one thing missing – FUN. Unless your idea of a rip roaring good time is CHILDREN OF MEN you’re going to feel let down by this BIONIC WOMAN. I’m sorry. Give me Lindsay Wagner running in slow motion or even demonstarting how much more trunk space I’d get in a Taurus.

CBS comedy promos

I saw a number of on-air promos for CBS’s Monday night comedy block. Based on the content and what they were clearly selling, I thought back to the golden age of CBS comedy and wondered what a typical promo for their Saturday night line-up would be like were those shows on the Big Eye today.

INT. BUNKER LIVING ROOM – DAY

ANNOUNCER (VO – BRIGHT)
Saturday is a night of laughs on CBS. First, on ALL IN THE FAMILY, not everything is Bunker-dory…

Archie in his chair. A concerned Michael is holding the front of his pants out and staring down at his crotch. Gloria enters.

GLORIA
Michael, what are you doing?

ARCHIE
There’s something wrong with the Meathead’s meat head.

HUGE LAUGH

MICHAEL
It’s all red.

HUGE LAUGH

GLORIA
Let me see.

She peers down his pants.

GLORIA
That’s just my lipstick.

ARCHIE
Oh Jeeez!

HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS LAUGH

CUT TO:

INT. MESS TENT – DAY (BLACK & WHITE)

ANNOUNCER (VO - SOMBER)
And then… on a very special MASH…

Father Mulcahy talking to off-stage reporter.

FATHER MULCAHY
When the doctors are operating and it’s cold, like it is now, here today, sometimes the doctors will warm their hands over the body. Can anyone look at that and not say…Wow, we have the HOTTEST PATIENTS IN KOREA!? Wooooooo!! Suit up!!

HUGE CANNED LAUGH

CUT TO:

INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

ANNOUNCER (VO – SUGGESTIVE)
Then on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW Rhoda gives Mary advice on how to get through those cold Minneapolis nights.

Mary and Rhoda.

RHODA
Mair, we gotta get you laid.

HUGE LAUGH

MARY
Rho-da!

RHODA
You know I live vicariously through you, and at the moment I’m very horny.

HUGE LAUGH

MARY
Rhoda, that’s terrible.

RHODA
I don’t need to hear the details. Just – you were in bed, you did it. Actually, those probably are the details. I’ll add “had an orgasm” for myself.

HUGE THUNDEROUS LAUGH

CUT TO:

INT. DR. HARTLEY’S OFFICE – DAY

ANNOUNCER (VO)
And finally, what happens when Bob starts a sexual addiction group on the BOB NEWHART SHOW?

Bob leading the group.

MR. CARLIN
Your wife has a vagina, right, Dr. Hartley?

HUGE LAUGH

BOB
Well…uh, yes…yes, sh-she does.

MR. CARLIN
What does it look like?

HUGE LAUGH

MR. CARLIN
Can you describe it? Peterson’s never seen one.

HUGE LAUGH

BOB
He hasn’t. Well, uh…(CALLING) Carol, could you come in here for a ..a…minute?

SPASMS OF LAUGHTER

CUT TO:

INT. SET – DAY

Big CBS LOGO against a white backdrop behind Klinger, who wears just bra and panties and is waving to the camera with a shit-eatin’ grin.

ANNOUNCER (VO)
That’s this Saturday on CBS, the “Tiffany Network”!!

Your punch lines, my feeback

Thanks to everyone who participated in the “YOU fill-in the punchline” contest-without-a-prize. Some thoughts about them…

But first, my announcement. I’ve been looking for a way to meet my readers – not easy to do since you’re spread out around the world. But I found a way to at least connect by phone. Next Tuesday, October 2nd from 4-5 P.D.T. I’m going to hold a teleseminar. It’s absolutely free, will accommodate the first 150 people, and did I mention it’s free? I’ll be answering your questions about writing – the kind of stuff I’ll be doing in print today, talking about specs, getting agents, tips, whatever you want.

Here’s how to sign up.

Just go to this website and register. Couldn’t be easier (I’m told).

It’s a way to talk about this goofy business informally, conversationally, and a way for me to better get to know you guys. And no salesman will call.

Update: We're already half full so if you want to participate please sign up. Thanks.

Now to the contest.

Most comedies are room written these days. So this type of challenge is what you’d face all day every day. It’s obviously easier when there are other people to bounce your ideas off of, and much more fun, but learning the skill of pitching just the right joke for specific situations is something you’ll need to know.

You guys pitched some GREAT entries, really funny, really original. Some not so great but that’s what I’m here for.

Remember the reality of your show. Peter can wake up in the Twilight Zone, Liz can’t. Earl can do voice-over, Larry can’t.

Beware of inside jokes. One had Liz saying, “Lorne, where’s the Emmy?” She’d have to break character to do that. We call this a “Room joke”. Usually there are five room jokes, and twenty disgusting sexual jokes pitched for every real one that goes into the script.

Follow instructions. After saying I wasn’t looking for scenes a few people still submitted scenes. When you’re in a rewrite room and the showrunner lays out what he’s not looking for and you pitch that, how happy do you think he’s going to be? Especially if it’s after midnight. And the Chinese food from six hours ago is sitting in his stomach like a cannonball.

There were some jokes pitched that frankly I just didn’t get. I had no idea what they meant. Not a clue for a couple of them.

Making pop references can be tricky. On the one hand they can really make a show sound hip and fresh, on the other, if the reference is too obscure you lose the audience. The exception to this is what we call “one percenters”. We know only a few people will get the reference but we don’t care and it’s not a big joke, more like a little aside. BACK TO YOU last week had a line blasting a “Mr. Robert Broder”. Bob Broder is a big TV agent. Fifteen people in America got that joke, but those of us who did loved it.

Then there’s the matter of taste problems. Yes, you can stretch the boundaries more today, especially on FAMILY GUY and CURB but there’s still a point where the audience goes “Yikes!” It’s a judgment call. In the room someone would pitch something reprehensible and we’d say, “Fine and then add the stage direction ‘the audience leaps over the railing and stones the writers’.” What if you have a joke and you’re not sure whether it’s crossed that line? Lose it. Err on the side of crowd control.

I loved how many of you realized that there wasn’t just a laugh in the line itself but also where the bed was. Earl winding up in a store window. Liz in a twin bed, Larry in a hammock, Liz on the Staten Island Ferry. Many of you found really hilarious places to put Peter. But you can do that within the FAMILY GUY world. There’s much more freedom in animation.

I’ll bet for most of you it was much easier coming up with lines for FAMILY GUY than 30 ROCK, right? You don’t have to worry about that pesky little thing called “reality”. But that’s why I would rather not read a spec animated script. I want to see if a writer can be funny when the situations and characters are real. FAMILY GUY not only allows you to actually use “room jokes”, they encourage them.

Many of the best pitches really dealt with getting underneath the characters. Larry worried about the sheets (that’s so Larry), overworked Liz saying, “If I’d been kidnapped it probably means I can sleep in”. Another Liz line I appreciated: “I’ll be your self-confidence challenged….whorish wake up call this morning.” I could hear her saying that. Larry would be more repulsed by his surroundings than Earl. Liz would be more philosophical than Larry. A lot of your pitches reflected the specifics of the characters. Good goin’.

Take caution with the Earl voice-overs. Some of them were very lonnnnnnng. Remember, the actor is on screen during all of this – doing what? A few sentences will suffice.

Along the way you guys had some great lines and observations. “Tequila is like the transporters in Star Trek minus all the accuracy”. Any number of stand-out quips.

And my favorite lines were the one that surprised me, that had a twist. All of the versions of “I knew I shouldn’t eat/drink _______ on an empty stomach” were the more expected approach. But Larry waking up in a hotel room and saying, “Yess!!” or Larry waking up next to a transvestite with a prosthetic leg and calling his wife to say, “I think I’m in New York” made me laugh. I didn’t see those punch lines coming.

All in all I would say this exercise was a rousing success. Thanks again to all who participated. I might do this again more often if the interest is there. And maybe I’ll even come up with a prize. Let me see if there’s anything I can re-gift from WINGS.

Hollyweirdness continues...

Great job on the punchlines from yesterday. Since a number of you only read this blog on the weekdays (translation: goofing off at work... and I love you for it), I'm going to give you all one more day to enter. Tomorrow I will comment on the entries and talk a little bit about the process of writing jokes. So put on your funny boots and have at it.

Also tomorrow, a somewhat big, certainly not major but still fairly large announcement.

Meanwhile, for today....

People think of Hollywood as just this superficial tourist trap. Not so. There is much high end culture to be found in Hollywood. Museums even. Allow me to point out two of the classiest:

The Frederick's of Hollywood Lingerie Museum and Celebrity Lingerie Hall of Fame

And ….

The Psychiatry -- An Industry of Death – museum.

At the Museum of Lingerie you can see Natalie Wood’s bra from BOB AND CAROL AND TED AND ALICE, Fabio’s sleeveless undershirt, and assorted sordid underwear from Cher, Joan Collins, Madonna, and (this scares me) Rosie O’Donnell. Sorry: no panties from Britney Spears since she doesn’t wear any. And to elevate its stature even more (as if that's possible), there are two framed edicts signed by former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley announcing that Frederick's Lingerie Museum is "one of Hollywood's most popular tourist attractions."

It’s probably more popular than….

The Psychiatry museum of death. This fair and balanced exhibit is funded by (surprise surprise) Scientology. And at it’s opening event on December 17, 2005 these Hollywood nutcases attended the ceremony: Priscilla Presley, Lisa Marie Presley, Danny Masterson, Giovanni Ribisi, Leah Remini, Catherine Bell, and Anne Archer. Name me one of them who couldn’t use a good 5000-volt jolt of electro-shock (7000 for Ms. Remini).

I’m not sure what the actual cautionary exhibits are. Loonies suffocated while being rounded up in those big nets? Freudians falling off couches and landing on their heads? Waiting rooms with asbestos ceilings? Being forced to try on Rosie O’Donnell’s underwear?

I think it’s fair to say that anyone who attends the Psychiatry museum of death not only needs psychiatry but institutionalization for many many years – like say 40.

So for tourists I say, you don’t need to see these freak shows when you visit Tinsel Town. Instead, get over to a legitimate attraction – Soap Plant/Wacko on Hollywood Blvd. Here you can buy such nifty souvenirs such as inflatable palm trees, a voice changer, tiki ware, and books like “101 Uses for Tampon Applicators” (not a joke). There’s also an art gallery upstairs.

I’m telling you, who needs the Louvre?

YOU fill in the punch line

It’s time for the second annual “YOU fill in the punch line” exercise.

The NEW YORKER has a contest where readers are invited to submit captions to cartoons. I’ve entered this several times, have never been chosen as a finalist and usually think the captions they do select are as lame as Bazooka Bubblegum comics.

But it gave me an idea.

As a grand experiment, about a year ago I instituted a comedy writers’ punch line contest. Except I have nothing to give away and therefore don’t want to pick a winner. But I will offer some feedback to the entries.

Based on how much fun this proved to be and the quality of the entries I decided to go forth on my other hair-brained idea, the Sitcom Room seminar.

So here’s how it works: I’ll give you essentially the same set-up for four different style shows. It’s not just writing jokes, it’s about tailoring to the characters and style of the show. Do as many or few of the shows as you want. Submit your entries in the comments section.

Ready?

VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL

Earl wakes up and realizes he’s not in his own bed. He says?????

VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Larry wakes up and realizes he’s not in his own bed. He says?????

VERSION THREE: 30 ROCK

Liz wakes up and realizes she’s not in her own bed. She says????

VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY

Peter wakes up and realizes he’s not in his own bed. He says????

Have fun. Be funny.