By Ken Levine

Making chicken salad out of the new AMPTP proposal

The Writers Guild negotiating committee is taking the weekend to study the new proposal by the AMPTP. But don’t get your hopes up. Upon examination their proposal is really a big rollback. By the time this thing is settled Carson Daly will be stealing Double Bubble comics for his lame jokes.

Most writers I know are very disappointed. One or two are silently relieved, thinking, “Oh shit! If this thing is over soon then I’m going to have to actually write that pilot/episode/screenplay.”

The trick is not to get too disgusted. And yet it’s hard to find a positive spin for all of this. But in the interest of keeping moral up I have found maybe the only good things to come out of the strike so far. I know it’s a small list. If you have more, please tell me. I’m having a hard time believing the ones I have.

Anyway, they are…

The rest of the world has discovered that Nikki Finke’s website is the place to go for information.

YouTube videos have gotten much funnier now that David Letterman writers have joined the junior high nerds from Lancaster, Pennsylvania who normally contribute these comedy classics.

It hasn’t snowed.

Many writers are getting cardiovascular exercise for the first time since 1988.

I got mentioned in Rolling Stones magazine (but I haven't seen it yet so I'm not certain it's a good thing).

There was a rally to salute the veteran writers although I could have lived without the phrase "meet the writers from YESTERYEAR." It makes it sound like we're all the Lone Ranger.

We get to relive the 60s without being teargassed.

Agents for once have a legitimate excuse for not talking to their clients.

Other people may start to hate Carson Daly as much as I do.

SAG has really stood by us. Now I admire as well as lust after some of its members.

Jesse Jackson has moved on.

Bob's Big Boy gives a discount to striking writers.

And the biggest benefit – finally a new version of AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Erin or Bonnie???

A raging controversy erupted last week in the comments section. Who was hotter – Bailey (Jan Smithers) or Jennifer (Loni Anderson) on WKRP? Commenter Mike Barer expanded the debate, adding a few more names. I can spot a blog topic when I see one! So to divide this country of ours even further, who do you think was hotter…?

Ginger or Marianne (GILLIGAN’S ISLAND)?

Kate Jackson or Farah Fawcett or Jackie Smith (CHARLIE’S ANGELS)?

Farah Fawcett or Cheryl Ladd (also CHARLIE’S ANGELS)?

Dick York or Dick Sargent (BEWITCHED)?

Diane or Rebecca ( CHEERS)?

Marcia Brady or Laurie Partridge?

Betty (ARCHIE) or Betty (FLINTSTONES)?

Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?

Patty or Cathy (PATTY DUKE SHOW)?

Christian or Sean (NIP/TUCK)?

Cutthroat Bitch or 13 (HOUSE)?

Erin Andrews or Bonnie Bernstein (ESPN -- pictured above)?

Daniel Craig or Sean Connery?

Lindsay Wagner or Michelle Ryan (BIONIC WOMAN)?

Melissa Stark (NBC news) or Kiran Chetry (CNN)?

Suzanne Pleshette or Mary Frann as Bob Newhart’s wife?

Tom Brady (PATRIOTS) or Peyton Manning (COLTS)?

Susan or Lynette or Bree or Gabrielle or Edie (DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES)?

Kristen or Summer or Julie or Marissa on THE OC?

Napoleon Solo or Illya Kuryakin (THE MAN FROM UNCLE)?

Bea Arthur or Betty White on GOLDEN GIRLS?

Ariel or Princess Jasmine?

Dylan or Kelly on BEVERLY HILLS 90210?

And finally….

Marcus Carl Franklin or Ben Whishaw or Heath Ledger or Christian Bale or Richard Gere or Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan in I’M NOT HERE?

And now a word from our 250 sponsors

I know this sounds like one of my parodies but it’s legit. There’s a new TV show that is sixty minutes of nothing but commercials. It premiered on the ION network (whatever the hell that is) last Monday night. Firebrand, the production company making this show believes that kids LOVE commercials but they just don’t like them as interruptions in shows. So the solution: an hour straight of them.

Hey, it still has to be better than watching VIVA LAUGHLIN or DR. PHIL.

The idea is to make it seem like an MTV show. They even have CJ’s who will introduce the spots. Now this may seem like a revolutionary idea but it really isn’t.

A version of this was done in Los Angeles way back in the 50s. Lloyd Thaxton (a TV pioneer who rivaled Ernie Kovacs in inspired lunacy) got stuck with roughly the same assignment. Lloyd was kind enough to share the complete story. (I also invite you to check out his blog. It’s better than a Way-back machine.)
In 1959, KCOP started a drawing-for-prizes contest for small businesses, i.e., dry cleaners, gas stations, mom and pop grocery stores, etc. The merchants would pay to have a box put in their place of business and KCOP would promote the contest. For this fee merchants were also promised a 15-second commercial on KCOP.

It would be a voice-over slides commercial plugging their establishment. Lots of businesses signed up. As staff announcer, KCOP came to me to develop a show around this contest. In order to squeeze all the commercials in a one-hour a day show, each two-minutes break would have to have at least eight 15-seconds spots.

To make this happen, they had to interrupt the one-hour program for commercials every three minutes. Are you still with me?

Because a recording usually averaged about three minutes, we decided to do a TV DJ show called "Lloyd Thaxton's Record Shop." The problem, besides reading all of those commercials another problem, was what to do during the three minutes of SHOW TIME when the record was playing. That is when I came up with all those gimmicks of making the music visual (the beginning of music videos?), i.e., lip-synching, piano synching, finger people, animated album covers. Anything I could come up with to fill the three minutes between commercials.

I had guests on the show like Jerry Lewis and Stan Freberg but you couldn't interrupt an interview every three minutes. So, I would bunch up the commercials and sometimes their would be 16 spots all in a row (four minutes of commercials. It was all live. No breaks for the host. I loved it.

Who would watch such a stupid show? A guy reading boring commercials over boring slides every three minutes and then lip-syncing a record in-between. KCOP figured no one was watching at 11 AM, so they didn't really care. But I cared.

Surprise, surprise, the show slowly started getting an audience. It grew and grew. It was a nutty show, but guest artists not only enjoyed being on the show they were getting great exposure for what they were plugging (their albums, films, and single records). After three years, I added teen-agers to the mix, threw out all those commercials and the show became, "The Lloyd Thaxton Show." The rest, as they say, is TV history.

I wish I had tapes of Lloyd Thaxton's Record Shop. There was no tape then. Three years, five days a week, 52 weeks a year LIVE and all on one camera. We would go from a serious interview to my putting my lips through an album cover and syncing a song from my guest's new album. And then I would open my three-ring binder and start reading the commercials. I'm still asking, "who would watch a show like this?"

Uh...me.

ENCHANTED

Amy Adams deserves an Oscar for her work in ENCHANTED. I realize that’s a bigger fairy tale than an animated princess coming to life but her comic performance was so inspired that I’d vote for her over all the heart wrenching showy Kidman/Densch/Streep angstfests that will undoubtedly get nominated instead. This is the same Amy Adams who was nominated for an Academy Award for JUNEBUG and was fired off that brilliant CBS show, DR. VEGAS.

ENCHANTED follows an often-used formula – extreme fish out of water lands in New York. Other examples are SPLASH, ELF, and MIDNIGHT COWBOY.

But ENCHANTED turns out to be a really fun movie. I say that with a certain amount of surprise since this is the type of film I usually run from. And there are not too many guys who are going to say to their buddies, “Hey dudes, let’s go see ENCHANTED tonight.” But the movie is smart, funny, and a great send-up of all those classic Disney animated features that were so precious you wanted to buy a gun. And guys secretly want to bang the Little Mermaid so Amy Adams will certainly hold their interest.

The key to ENCHANTED is that everybody plays it straight, led by Amy. This is not a sketch. There’s no winking at the camera. Amy totally commits to this princess and that’s what makes her hilarious… and even believable. It’s the most fully realized two-dimensional character I’ve ever seen. And she can sing and dance!

Patrick Dempsey was handsome and likable and hopes his feature career takes off like Tom Hanks’ did with SPLASH.

James Marsden, Susan Sarandon, and the chipmunk also did yeoman work.

Screenwriter Bill Kelly didn’t miss a trick. There’s not a Disney cliché that isn’t spoofed other than killing Bambi’s mother (Oh. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT). It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, you weren’t the only one who cringed at all this crap.” And the songs by Alan Menken & Stephen Schwartz are dead-on parodies of those horrible songs originally written by, well… Menken & Schwartz.

My favorite credit: Hag make-up effects: Rick Baker.

Disney will make a for-toon on this movie. Forget the boxoffice. There won’t be a thirteen-year-old girl in America who won’t own the DVD. And then there’s the inevitable TV series, Broadway production, and ice show. So Bob Iger will live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, ENCHANTED will transform Amy Adams into Hollywood Royalty. And even if she doesn't win an Oscar she's a shoo-in to cop a Golden Globe. But that's like saying she's not marrying the handsome prince but his valet instead.

Report from the front

First off, thanks to everybody for your nice comments on yesterday’s post. And great idea assembling a “Best of My Blog” collection for my second unsold book. It would have been a bigger hit than the first one if it had been published.

Back on the picket lines at 20th Century Fox. Another good turnout.

Everyone is walking much slower this week. Thanksgiving hit this union hard.

The toughest part at 20th is not the physical aspect of trudging miles in an endless circle. It’s having to look at that huge billboard for MR. MAGORIAN’S WONDER EMPORIUM. The movie’s a bomb! Take it down!

There’s an upbeat attitude now that formal talks have resumed. And rumors abound that we’re close to a settlement. Of course, there are also rumors that we’ll be on strike until June, and Ellen DeGeneres is going to have Michael Vick as a guest on her show.

I once asked my agent if a certain rumor was true and he said, “All rumors are true…eventually.”

One writer on line said to me, “Didn’t you quit the business and move?” Uh…no. But now I’m worried abut that “all rumors are true” theory.

At least it wasn’t my agent who asked me that question.

We hold up signs beckoning motorists to honk and when they do we’re the ones suffering the brunt of the loud harsh horn blasts. Inside the studio no one can hear them. Explain to me why this is a good idea?

We walk past this fountain, which is really torture because the nearest bathroom is at the Rancho Park golf course a half mile away. I usually finish my shift hopping on one foot.

A friend asked if I was going to be picketing NBC. I said no, I can't even get a meeting outside NBC.

Lots of talk on the line about what the Yankees are going to do during the winter. I suspect in the New York marches no one is speculating on the Dodgers next move.

Where are the agencies with snacks and drinks now that the camera crews are gone?

Didn’t see any stars out there either.

A food drive is taking place at all picketing locations. Food will be going to SOVA, a division of Jewish Family Services. SOVA serves the entire community – all races, religions, whatever. So the agencies weren’t there with snacks the one day they really would do some good.

Sell it, Sally.

UNION!!!

Two years ago today...

...I first began this blog.

When I decided to start one my daughter Annie was horrified. “Oh no! Another ‘I got up late this morning and brushed my teeth and flossed and then made myself some cereal” boring record of someone’s life.” I assured her I would never do that in this blog. Just her voicemail.

I would write penetrating, witty, sparkling articles on anything that interested me. Maybe offer some writing advice, tell a few war stories, review a movie or two, share some of the funny emails I had sent to friends in the past. And every so often I would succeed beautifully!

A fellow blogger suggested that to build an audience I should post at least three times a week. I figured, “Well why not everyday?” Compiling stories from a 30+ year career, and all that I’ve learned about the craft of writing, I should easily be able to post once a day…for two months.

The original objective was to increase my visibility in the hopes of getting a collection of humorous travelogues I emailed to friends published as a book. I had previously shown them to one editor who said “Very funny but no one knows who the fuck you are.” So I started a blog. So far that plan has been a giant bust. I can’t even get a book agent at the agency that represents me.

But my objective has changed. This blog has taken on a life of its own. Connecting with all of you – from all over the world (I still can’t understand why someone in Kuwait would give a shit about what I think of the Bionic Woman) has been an unexpected total joy. And then there’s the neat blog swag I’ve received. Some books, DVD’s, a few things I won’t specify because I plan on re-gifting them this holiday season, and the folks at Astroglide were so tickled I made a joke about their fine product they sent me an Astroglide mug. I’m keeping that. (Yeah, like I could give it to a woman.)

And amazingly, the two months have now turned into two years and I still haven’t run out of things to talk about. Between the strike, porn star karaoke, AMERICAN IDOL, award shows, THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, baseball, tips on writing specs, Debra Messing, golden memories of AfterMASH, worst song competitions, shamelessly hyping my seminars and play readings, travel tips, channel surfing, lost scripts of CHEERS, Katie Couric, and miscellaneous opinions on anything (whether I’m informed or not) I’ve been able to keep posting on a daily basis. (It’s also very helpful that you suggest topics and questions for me.)

Some goals for this year: To meet more of you in person. To have a few of you break into the business and thank me when you win an Emmy. To get a whole set of Astroglide mugs.

Thanks to everybody for finding and sticking with this blog. Tell your friends… especially if your friends are book editors.

Onwards and sidewards.

Ken

p.s.

I know nobody reads the archives but if you’re curious, here was the very first post.

Levine's Laws

When I was broadcasting for the Mariners I came up with "Levine's Law". It is:

The lead-off walk will always come around to score, unless it doesn't.

So far I have never been proven wrong. These are the kinds of pearls I will be bringing to KABC radio in Los Angeles when I co-host a sportstalk show this Sunday night. (And yes, they stream. Here's their website.)

But just for you, my cherished blog audience, I share my other irrefutable laws.

******

Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew. And the dimmest of the dim are working this weekend during the Thanksgiving rush.

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

The AMPTP will never give writers anything they're not absolutely forced to.

No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

If a restaurant patron has a walker or cane he will always be seated at the farthest table from the entrance.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage is doomed. It's okay to honeymoon there, just not have the ceremony. Trust me, you have a much better change of survival if you tie the knot in an Elvis chapel.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

On my sportstalk show, the first caller will have a question about something I know absolutely nothing about.

The story behind the CHEERS theme

Got a request for the full-length version of the CHEERS theme. There’s a great story behind it.

1981. Songwriter Gary Portnoy had just been fired as a staff writer from a major music publisher. His friend Judy Hart Angelo happened to meet a Broadway producer at dinner one night who needed a score written for a new musical he was producing. They decided to team up. Gary had never written for the theater, Judy had never written a song.

Somehow a tape of one of their demo songs found its way to Hollywood and the Charles Brothers. They thought it would be perfect for the theme of the new show they were developing, CHEERS.

But that’s not the song you know.

When the Broadway producer found out one of his songs was to be a TV theme he had a fit and legally blocked Paramount from using it. Crushed, Gary and Judy wrote new songs for CHEERS. But none of them connected the way the old one did.

Finally, after four or five rejected tunes they submitted “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” and that one struck a chord.

But even that’s not the song you know.

The original opening lyrics were changed to give it a more universal appeal. These are those original opening lines:

Singing the blues when the Red Sox lose
It’s a crisis in your life
On the run ‘cause all your girlfriends
Want to be your wife
And the laundry ticket’s in the wash

Once the song was written and approved there came the issue of who was going to sing it? Gary had sung the demo. There were those who wanted a big name and others who liked Gary’s rendition. With less than a month to go before the premiere it was decided that Gary would sing it and the arrangement would be simple just like the demo. Surprisingly, the Charles Brothers did not attend the recording session. We were all in the room writing one day when Glen Charles casually mentioned that they were doing the theme on one of the scoring stages. But their faith in Gary was rewarded.

The Portnoy-Angelo theme for CHEERS is one of the most memorable in TV history. Several weeks after the premiere Gary went back into the studio to record a full-length version of the song that actually made the pop charts.

Here’s that expanded version. To my knowledge it only aired on the show once, during the 200th episode.

Click To Play

WKRP in Cincinnati

First off: Please tell me you weren't one of those people who got up at 4 a.m. to attend the Mervyn's sale.

Now for today's post.

WKRP in Cincinnati was a moderate hit when it originally aired on CBS and for some reason became a huge hit when it went into syndication. It was created by Hugh Wilson who went on to direct POLICE ACADEMY and FIRST WIVES CLUB. We worked together on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. I went on to direct ENCORE ENCORE.

I also knew Jan Smithers. We went to high school together although she was ahead of me. But I think I once drooled on her. In 1966 NEWSWEEK did a big feature article on "the teenagers" and Jan was on the cover (looking spectacular of course). Talk about a big celeb on campus. She was the star of Taft High. And at the time we had future Houston Astro Larry Dierker and a member of the Electric Prunes. There are rumors she's having some hard times. I know you join me in wishing her the best.

Now, as promised...

WKRP had a great theme song (back in the days when shows even had theme songs). Sung by Steve Carlisle, here is the hard-to-find full length version.

Click To Play

The greatest Thanksgiving episode ever

Here's a scene from the classic episode of WKRP in Cincinnati. The idea came from a real radio station promotion that went awry. A plane was going to drop free turkeys on listeners. But they used frozen turkeys. Here's the scene. And tomorrow, another WKRP treat. The rarely heard long version of the theme song.

Happy Thanksgiving!