By Ken Levine

"Shirking civic duty for 40, Alex."

I’m on call for jury duty this week. In LA county that means every night you call in and see if your group is required to report the next day. If it is you go to the courthouse and join a few hundred others cooling their heels. If you’re called for a trial you are then shuttled into a courtroom where lawyers and the judge question you and determine who will serve on the jury. If, at the end of that day you’re not selected you’ve completed your obligation. The city asks you to perform this civic duty once every year to eighteen months so that’s certainly reasonable. And I think if selected for a trial I get $15.00 a day, which would make me the highest paid non-Letterman writer in America if called. And almost pays for gas to the courthouse.

I’ve had jury duty several times but have never served on a jury. The closest I came was a few years ago in Van Nuys. I was herded into the courtroom with probably fifty others and told this was to be a gang related murder trial that would last four weeks. The woman judge asked if there was anyone who wanted out due to hardship. Thirty hands went up. I didn’t bother. “Planned trip to Spring Training” didn’t seem like it would fly.

One by one the alleged hardship cases filed into the judge’s chamber to plead their case and one by one their request was denied. A woman who was 8 1/2 months pregnant was not excused. Several self-employed people were not excused. Alex Trebek, the one celeb in our group, went in to see the judge. He was excused. What the fuck?! Will the nation’s literacy level go down two points if a JEOPARDY taping has to be postponed?

We were then given questionnaires to fill out. Profession, age, was anyone in our family a policeman, was anyone in our family shot be a policeman? That sort of thing.

The attorneys began individually questioning us. The pregnant woman had to use the bathroom in the middle of her session. She was using the bathroom every twenty minutes. Still, she got selected.

Another woman, who was maybe thirty, was asked if she had ever been on a jury before. “Yes” she said. When was it? About a year ago. Was there a verdict in the trial? Yes. What was the trial? A rape case. What was the verdict? She couldn’t remember. COULDN’T REMEMBER?! A woman couldn’t remember the verdict in a rape trial?! She was selected to the jury.

One man said he had been on a jury but only as an alternate. Was there a verdict in the trial? He said no but there sure as hell would have been had he been on the jury. He was excused.

They finally got to me. We were supposed to state our name, hometown residence, and profession. What I wanted to do was say, “Ken Levine, Los Angeles, the host of JEOPARDY” but I didn’t think it was worth going to jail for that joke. My interview was rather short. First question: “Do you have any trouble with people owning guns?” I said yes, I was a writer on MASH and… Before I could finish my thought: “Thank you. You’re excused.”

Unfortunately we can’t ask questions of them. We can’t say, “So is this trial going to be boring as shit or is it something that might be interesting?” “Will there be visuals?” “Can I stop you if I’ve already seen this on LAW & ORDER?” “Is it okay to wear my FREE THE CHICAGO SEVEN T-shirt?” “Can I still get text messages during the trial?” “At any point can I object?”

Anyway, if I ever was going to be on a jury now would be the perfect time – me being on strike and all. I just have to hope the attorney doesn’t ask if I wrote for MASH or reads my blog.

Love Letters

First, a self serving programming announcement. I will filling in Sunday night co-hosting the Sportstalk show on KABC radio in LA from 7-10 pm pst. You can also hear it here. Name me a better gig. I have to watch the NFL playoff games all weekend.

Feel free to call. 1-800-222-KABC. Surely I'll say enough stupid things that you'll have to correct me on.

LOVE LETTERS by A.R. Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston and Shirley Jones & Marty Ingells. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:

Nick Counter & Lorena Bobbitt

Lars & the Real Girl

Amy Winehouse & Kenneth from 30 ROCK

James Wood & Sean Young

Paul McCartney & Heather Mills

Hillary Clinton & Barack Obama

Ann Coulter & Al Franken

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow

Sherri Shepherd & Gore Vidal

Kellie Pickler & Randy Jackson

Michael Jackson & Elizabeth Taylor

Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie

Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa

Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil

Liza Minelli & David Gest

Jack Klugman & Lauren Becall

Donnie & Marie

Bill Clinton & (the voice of) Monica Lewinsky

Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell

Lou Ferrigno & Marlie Matlin

Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant

Bjork & Bob Dylan

Katie Couric & Walter Cronkite

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt

Richard Hatch & Tonya Harding

The President of Iran & Rene Taylor

Robin Williams

What if they gave an awards ceremony and no one came?

Golden Globe nominated actors are expected to skip the ceremony in support of the Writers Strike. “Accepting the award for Denzel Washington – Warner Elementary School crossing guard, Harold Rumplemeyer.”

NBC however, insists that the show will go on. But instead of the Grand Ballroom at the Beverly-Wilshire hotel, the ceremony will be held in the back room of the Shakey’s Pizza parlor on Fairfax and Olympic.

Why is this important? Because studios use these bogus awards to help promote their movies. No ratings = no boxoffice spike. And should the Oscars be boycotted by stars then the effect is major.

I’m reminded of the 1980 Primetime Emmys when SAG was on strike. The show was hosted that year by local KNBC news anchor, Kelly Lange. The only actors who showed were Powers Booth and Yoko Shimada, an actress they dragged over from Japan who was appearing in NBC’s upcoming miniseries SHOGUN.

My sincere thanks to SAG for supporting our strike and realizing that our fight is their fight…and everyone’s fight.

Leno and Letterman are back

Letterman and Leno are back.

Letterman now has writers. Letterman can now get the big guests guilt free. Letterman’s quips are as funny and inspired as ever.

And Leno still kicks his ass.

It’s time to call it, ladies and gents. After fourteen straight years of winning night after night after night and now finishing first with his writers tied behind his back -- Jay Leno is the king of late night. CBS will claim it’s still too early to make that call, and the public just needs to become more aware of Dave, but who are we kidding? Give Letterman the Emmys, give Leno the crown. And CBS should save that spin for Katie Couric.

Personally, I question the wisdom of the WGA's decision to grant Letterman’s company a waiver allowing his (and Craig Ferguson’s) writers to go back to work. At a time when the Guild is trying desperately to maintain unity, letting some writers go back to work while everyone else can’t is potentially very damaging. And it’s not like morale is at an all-time high anyway. Despite those stirring chants.

Supposedly the big rationale for the waiver is that it will lift Letterman's ratings, and NBC-Universal-GE will see its long time franchise, THE TONIGHT SHOW finally collapse after 40 golden years and so to avoid that calamity the network will press the other death stars to make a settlement. Considering Letterman's track record that feels a little like Wile E. Coyote sending away for the ACME Strike Solution Kit.

And yet, I shall continue to follow the marching orders. I’ll be out there again Monday with my trusty sign (unless I have jury duty in which case I’ll long to be out there with my trusty sign). I’ll be picketing the Golden Globes (of course I do that every year whether there’s a strike or not). And I hope that any member who, like me, is uneasy with this waiver move will still consider the bigger issues and stand strong with the rest of us.

Oh, and how dumb is NBC? How do they recognize and reward Jay Leno, this juggernaut who has preserved their franchise beyond their wildest dreams? By booting him out in 2009.

These are the people we’re negotiating against. Hang in there members. And Dave.

Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story

For whatever reason moviegoers do not want to see WALK HARD. You’d think it was DEUCE BIGELOW 4 or a Tom Cruise Iraq War movie. Frankly I’m surprised. How could a comedy by Judd Apatow (THIS year) that got good reviews and co-stars Jenna Fischer be such a bomb? P.S. I LOVE YOU did better business the first weekend with toxic reviews and Hilary Swank cast as a comedienne for godsakes!

So when I watched WALK HARD I couldn’t help being somewhat distracted trying to figure out what went so horribly wrong. I mean, no less an authority than ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY crowned Judd Apatow as the current smartest man in Hollywood.

Here’s what I thought. There are some huge laughs in it. That alone should attract more people than P.S. I LOVE YOU. There’s probably an hour of funny stuff. How many comedies today can say that? The trouble is the movie feels like it’s three hours. My standard complaint with Apatow movies is that they’re too long but this time the length really drags down the material.

But since the movie was dead on arrival, it had to be something else. Was it the paper thin premise? Spoofing a genre the kids obviously don’t give a shit about? The time period (although that same era didn’t seem to hurt DREAMGIRLS or HAIRSPRAY)? Was it John C. Reilly? Does he just not connect with young audiences (although he was fantastic)? If Will Ferrell played the part would the movie have done better? Did the trailer turn people off? Did they sense repetition? Did the jokes get old even after 45 seconds?

I dunno. It’s a puzzler. But then again I’ll never make ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY’S smartest list. Or sexiest list.

Would love to hear your views.

I will say this: Paul Rudd as John Lennon was HILARIOUS. Maybe if Apatow had done that as a movie...

Juno

2007 was a great year for screen comedies. SUPERBAD, KNOCKED UP, WALK HARD (my review tomorrow), ENCHANTED, RATATOUILLE, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, WAITRESS, and DAN IN REAL LIFE. They almost make up for GEORGIA RULE and I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY.

And now comes JUNO. Yes, you’ve heard the hype. It’s the critics’ darling, and writer Diablo Cody is being hailed as the new voice of her generation (even though she writes about a different generation), so there’s every reason to go into the theatre expecting a big loud thud. But surprise surprise, it was not a major letdown. It was actually…good. Very good even. One of my top ten favorites of the year.

The subject was teen pregnancy. Juno gets pregnant and (SPOILER ALERT) has a baby.

It was funny, touching, quirky – everything every indie movie says they are but aren’t. The dialogue just crackles although I have to stop short of saying Cody is this remarkable fresh new voice because Don Roos writes in the same style (see THE OPPOSITE OF SEX). But boy can she write. As good as the movie was I enjoyed reading the screenplay more.

Cody did so many things right. She created vivid unique characters, gave them major problems, took them on emotional journeys, had a strong point of view, and was smart enough to construct a simple story. It was easy to follow, tracked, and built to a satisfying conclusion. It sounds simple but so many spec screenplays are so complicated you can’t follow them without a code book.

I could see why director Jason Reitman responded to this material. Anytime you can get to page 50 without having to say, “What the hell is this movie about?” you know you’ve got a potential winner.

Cody was very lucky in that her script fell into the right hands with Reitman. The cast, tone, and look of the film was pitch perfect. God forbid if the Farrelly brothers had made this movie there’d be a fifteen minute water breaking set piece with people slipping on the embryonic fluid. But Reitman stays true to the material and doesn’t try to add his own “special touch”, which is Hollywood-speak for fucking up the picture.

Ellen Page was sensational as Juno. It was so nice not to see Mandy Moore in the role (as a major studio would have insisted). And who knew? Jennifer Garner can really ACT? I think with this film she’ll now start getting the roles Julia Roberts used to get and thinks she’s still young enough to get (sorry Julia, mother and congresswoman parts await).

The only thing I will say is don’t expect JUNO to be some groundbreaking movie that will change the industry and you forever. But seeing a smart original little film with a great script and performances should be enough, right?

Happy New Year!!!

Forget the Rose Parade. Here's the REAL deal -- the annual Doo Dah parade in Pasadena.

Tomorrow: my review of JUNO.

May 2008 be for you...

...what 2007 was for Martin Scorsese, Jordin Sparks, Harry Potter, Tina Fey, Forest Whitaker, Amy Adams, Amy Ryan, Amy Winehouse (when not in rehab), Judd Apatow, John Mayer, the Boston Red Sox, Nikki Blonsky, Dirk Nowitzki, Keith Olbermann, the Dixie Chicks, Jonah Hill, Justin Timberlake, the Sopranos, Will Smith, the New England Patriots, Perez Hilton, the Colbert Report, Whoopi, Fergie, Ellen Page, the Rock, Katherine Heigl, Tom Stoppard, High School Musical (1 and 2), Plain White T’s, Evgeni Malkin, House, penguins, Facebook, Alan Arkin, Seth Rogen, Tony Bennett, Khaled Hosseinl,Jake Peavey, the Florida Gators (football and basketball), Terry O’Quinn, Frank Langella, Mad Men, the Coen Brothers, Don Draper (or whatever the hell his real name is), Transformers, Josh Groban, Homer Simpson, GreatBigRadio.com, Steve Nash, Ugly Betty, Zac Efron, the Ducks of Anaheim, Radiohead, Nikki Finke, Howie Mandel, the Black Eyed Peas, the Colorado Rockies, Jon Stewart, RichBroRadio.com, Adam Levine, Wii, Wifi, Helen Mirren, Spring Awakening, Sean Kingston, C.C. Sabathia, Martin Brodeur, YouTube, Carrie Underwood, A-Rod, Dexter, Tony Parker, the Police, Dick in a Box, Ryan Seacrest, Jennifer Hudson, the Disney Channel, Alec Baldwin, the Huffington Post, Brandon Roy, Drew Carey, Xanadu, Charles Gibson, Miley Cyrus, Corey Brewer, Jason Bourne, Michael Cera, the Indianapolis Colts, Colt Brennan, the Amazing Race, James Spader, Project Runway, the Conchords, the Boss, Bees, Spiderman, Jimmy Rollins, Shia LeBeouf, Neil Patrick Harris, Tyler Perry, Lauren Conrad, Diablo Cody, Halo 3, U. of Hawaii Warriors, Ted Danson, rats that cook, Andrew Bynum, Rihanna, Tim Tebow, Little Miss Sunshine, LaDainian Tomlinson, Jaime Pressly, WhodaguyRadio.com, Buy U a Drank,David Hyde Pierce, the San Antonio Spurs, Alicia Keys, Pushing Daisies, Smashing Pumpkins, the iPhone, Battlestar Galactica, Shrek, Steve Carell, Once, Paul Thomas Anderson, Tom Brady, Michael Clayton, Matthew Weiner, Jay-Z, James Patterson, Randy Moss, and me for this blog, thus elevating my status to pundit from crank.

How Diana became Annie

A reader discovered that my daughter Annie's real name is Diana and wondered how and why she made the change. Annie herself has graciously agreed to answer.

There has been an inquiry about my going by Annie rather than Diana. Most of you probably had no idea that my name was Diana unless you've either a) known me since birth b) are a friend of mine or c) have read my father's book (so that's what like two of you?). There was no "Kafka-esque metamorphosis". It was more of a Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity thing although now that its been revealed I guess my crime-fighting days are over. So you are all to blame when Two-Face starts reeking havoc again.

Actually my parents always called me "Annie." Other delightful nicknames include Dow Chemical, Porntip and Youngster Fishman. So its not too surprising that I chose to go by Annie instead. Though you're all welcome to call me "Porntip."

My favorite quotes of the year

Sherri Shepherd, new co-host of THE VIEW even topped fellow hen Elisabeth Hasselbeck in stupidity by saying she doesn’t know if the world is flat and hasn’t really thought about it.

President Bush on September 20th said this about the very-much-alive Nelson Mandela: “"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas."

Britney Spears on VH-1: “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

You’ve seen it on YouTube. Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA (pictured above) answering a question about why 20% of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. She said, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as. And I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

And my favorite:

Pam Anderson ended her marriage with latest hubby, Rick Salomon. They were married Oct.6 in Las Vegas in the hour and half interval between her two magic shows. They'd been friends for years. In an interview on Ellen's show Anderson revealed how they went from friends to lovers. "I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It's so romantic."